Eyeing Lucifer, doubt crept in again. But there was no way I was going to use the vibrator in front of him, and he managed to let that pass so maybe he had no interest in me outside of work.
Why did I get a pinch of pain when I thought Hawk wasn’t interested in me? Had I not gone on my date with Connor last night with at least some hope that it would be a relationship?
Agh—no. I met Connor, with the hopes that I could take him home for the night. Maybe two nights. I only wanted sex. But once the man started talking about nightly blowjobs, I got that familiar ick, one that had prevented me from enjoying anything more than a session with Lucifer.
Up until last night, when I saw Hawk’s reaction, I had thought that feeling had been all me. That I was broken. But maybe I was more normal than I thought—maybe it was the men who sucked?
Mentally, I thanked Hawk for the meds and swallowed them along with half the glass of water.
Me: It looks like I have you to thank for a lot of things this morning. Headache prevention is the biggest issue right now.
Hawk: How are you feeling?
How is that his first question? He hasn’t berated me for drinking too much or pointed out stupid shit I said. It was in these moments that I realized just how fucked up my entire relationship with Tucker had been. Not just how it ended, but how it existed.
Me: I’ve been better. But I probably deserve to feel a lot worse. 10:00 am?
Hawk: Yes. There was some movement after the Winter Meetings, and I wanted your thoughts.
Our GM had been able to add to our roster and fill some major holes in the team’s talent at the beginning of the month. But there were still some noticeable holes in the infield. And by holes, there was no shortstop, and the second baseman had the most errors in the American League two years in a row.
Hawk trusted me to go through the data with him.
Had I earned his trust? Why was I always worried about this? Fuck imposter syndrome. Men never worried about why they were invited into the room where decisions were made. They jumped at the opportunity.
I put Lucifer back into my nightstand and hauled my ass out of bed and into the shower. I couldn’t wait to dive into the scouting reports and stats. God, I loved being part of building this team.
I checked my phone before I walked to the office.
Kelsey: Just checking to make sure you received all of your ticket information.
Kelsey had become convinced that something would go wrong or that someone would miss the flight to the island. With the holidays, rebooking would be a challenge if anyone missed their flight, but she had one of the best personal assistants in the business. Monica could figure out any problem.
Me: Yes! All good. And my dress fits perfectly.
Kelsey: Did I show you Crew’s suit?
She had shown me Crew’s suit. At least a thousand times, but I recognized anxiety when I saw it. Kelsey had suffered silently with anxiety for years, but now we all knew how to recognize it and how to let it play out. If it helped her, I would answer the same questions a thousand times.
Me: So cute. I can’t wait to see him in it. What else do you need to do before we leave? Do you need any help?
Kelsey: Nothing. Monica took care of everything. It’s strange to have nothing to do.
Last spring, when Kelsey was still adjusting to being a mother, she worked two jobs and struggled to pay her bills. When Sam entered the picture, I had worried that shewould be chewed up and spit out. I didn’t completely trust players, but Sam wasn’t the typical cocky ballplayer.
Yes, I understood the conflict there. My livelihood and the team’s success depended on ballplayers. The organization made a staggering amount of money on the backs of these men, and while some of them had talent that surpassed what I had seen in decades, some were fucking assholes. I had wrongly assumed that of Sam.
Sam gave Kelsey the world because she washisworld.
Add in the complications of the WAGs to the mix. As management and corporate staff, I normally wouldn’t mix with the wives and girlfriends. As Kelsey’s sister, I did. While some wives turned a blind eye to their husbands’ bad behavior, relying on team doctors and antibiotics to prevent STDs, some trusted their men, and that trust was unwarranted.
To be a fly on the wall when Sam talked to Kelsey about Elijah and Lindy. Lindy and Kelsey had grown close over the past few months, and Elijah was a known womanizer. Well-known to everyone but Lindy. I was sure that Sam had confided that to Kelsey. But that was something she and I had agreed not to discuss. Team politics, business decisions, and anything that would put either the team or the players at an unfair advantage.
My track record of keeping secrets didn’t help. I doubted that Kelsey would confide in me, anyway.
But that meant that we could talk about the things that mattered. My nephew, her happiness, and my happiness. Well, whenever there was something that added to my happiness.
My mind wandered to Hawk again as I walked towardsthe office. Yes, I enjoyed the walk to work most days. But there were times when the wind cut right through you. The fall had been mild, but in the last week, it had become wintry. There had been no snowfall yet, but it was cold enough.
