‘We met online.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I met the girls when they needed something done. Security on a bigger place they wanted to get into. They were after a bitof technical support, and they found me via a little Discord server I was running.’
I have no idea what Discord is, but I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of asking. ‘So you managed to disable the security … remotely, did you say?’ He nods. ‘And then you just decided to throw in your lot with them.’
Another nod. ‘I was suffering some vexed matters of accommodation at that precise time.’ Jonny speaks like this a lot. ‘And it transpired that our talents are mutually complementary.’
Em hasn’t fallen for my new line of enquiry, or taken her eyes off me. ‘Anyway. What about you?’
I’ll have to tell them something, I suppose. ‘I’ve beeninterloping’ – slight emphasis there to show them it’s a) a proprietary term and b) the right one – ‘for about eight years now. And I’ve focused on one country. I’m pretty good at it.’
‘Hence you turning up and just knocking on the door tonight? That your standard modus operandi?’
‘There are plenty of good reasons to do that. Firstly, this place should have been empty …’
‘Which it wasn’t.’
‘… meaning it was important to ascertain what was going on.’
‘And you picked “trendy vicar” as your cover? Jesus.’
‘Nothing wrong with that.’ I stand by this. Ideally you want to be someone who most people would chew their thumbs off to avoid talking to, and an earnest vicar fundraising for a new pipe is the sweet spot. I’ve done a lot of Jehovah’s Witnessing in my time too.
‘How sweet. Guys, it feels like we’ve met the last of the old-time craftsmen in this business.’
Now it’s my turn to bristle. ‘For your information, what I do is very precise, it’s delicate.’
Em snorts.
‘I haven’t seen you guys get into a place, but I can guarantee my methods would be an improvement.’
Elle squeaks at that, and claps. ‘Well why don’t you come along with us tomorrow?’
Em and Jonny’s heads both snap round to her. ‘Sorry?’
‘Yeah, Elle, what the fuck?’
‘He wants to see how we work. We should show him. It’s not like he’s a threat, we know that now. It’s only an hour’s drive.’
All three of the rest of us have our hands up.
‘Excuse me, but I’m not your apprentice …’
‘No way are we letting this random creep come along …’
‘My systems are calibrated for the three of us, no more …’
‘Sorry, did you say “creep”? Because …’
‘I’d say it again in a heartbeat, you little weirdo …’
‘I’d rather be a creep than a psycho who can’t see a letter-opener without …’
‘… would have to secure alternate transportation, which risks compromising our …’
There’s a bit more cross-talk, which Elle manages to deal with by marching over to the baby grand and thumping bad chords repeatedly until we shut up. She turns around.
