‘Sure. But again, the Crown Prosecution Service have quite a sceptical attitude towards vibes.’
‘He didn’t seem terribly comfortable at the Fantasy Football lunch,’ says Elle. ‘He kept pretty quiet. And he didn’t seem happy talking about Davy’s death.’
‘Still zilch in prosecutional terms.’
Em says, thoughtfully: ‘One of the guys at that lunch was an MP, right? What was his name?’
‘Conor Vane. The one who was horrible to Elle.’
‘He might know something,’ says Jonny.
‘Hey. Listen to this,’ says Em. ‘I just googled him.’
‘And?’
‘“A senior MP and member of a powerful select committee has been criticised as ‘totally in the pocket of the offshore financial industry’ in a new report published by a transparency organisation.” Says here Vane spent a lot of time a few years ago lobbying to keep a loophole open so businesses could maintain offshore operations.’
‘He might have been involved with Davy.’
‘Or Wallace.’
‘Or both.’
‘He seems to be doing OK, though,’ says Em. ‘He’s the one pushing this deal with the Qumaris.’
‘What deal with the Qumaris?’
‘It was on the news the other day. We’re about to sign a megadeal with them.’
Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Qumar, it’s a gigantic trading power located a few thousand miles south-east of Knightsbridge. It’s absolutely loaded with all sorts ofgoodies and crunchy mineral and hydrocarbon assets, which the British Empire had a good go at extracting back when they were the only game in town. However, times have changed, the colonial shackles have been melted down and re-forged as friendship bracelets, and Britain is now the junior partner, reduced to turning up with a rather hungry look and asking for the price of a cup of tea.
I’m no geo-strategist, but even I know that the trade deal Britain’s about to sign is slightly controversial. Qumar’s unique security situation has necessitated a rather old-fashioned approach to law and order, in that their secret police hang anyone who proposes minor constitutional changes, and they have thousands more people locked up for a bit of good old-fashioned re-education. Nevertheless, Britain is bravely wearing the blinkers of trade and the nose peg of necessity, and holding out its hand to seal the deal.
You may have noticed that I’ve also changed Qumar’s name, from a country you will be familiar with to a fake country they used inThe West Wingwhen they needed somewhere for President Bartlet to bomb. If Aaron Sorkin objects to me lifting the name, he can sue me. I’m literally writing this from prison and have no fear of copyright infringement.
‘OK, so Vane’s going to be busy,’ says Jonny.
‘I’m sure he could spare five minutes, though,’ says Elle. ‘These MPs are always having little meetings. If Vane knows anything more about Rob Wallace, he might talk to us.’
‘Where will he be tomorrow?’
Jonny’s at his computer. ‘His constituency is miles away. But this is a big vote week, it looks like. So most likely he’ll be in Parliament.’
‘Oh,no.’
Em looks like she’s just won the lottery. ‘Yes, Al. Yes.’
35
It was depressingly easy to get an appointment with Conor Vane MP.
We sent an initial email telling him someone from a parliamentary committee on standards wanted to meet him on an urgent matter. Jonny tricked up a spoof address specially for it. We got nothing back. After two hours, Jonny was getting impatient, so he set up another account pretending to be the representative of the Emir of Somewhere, saying he was putting together a Middle East trade trip. A vital trade and outreach mission, five nights all-inclusive, seven-star hotels, perhaps twenty minutes of work a day. In return, Vane might be asked some minor, perfectly legal questions about petrochemical refineries in the UK, and the regulatory framework surrounding them.
Vane’s secretary replied to the Emir’s secretary (Jonny) within three minutes, practically biting our fingers off and saying we could come and meet Mr Vane any time tomorrow.
So now I’m here, with Em, in a little waiting room on the other side of the Whitehall entrance to Parliament, not far from the Red Lion. Thank God I’ve still got Freddy’s passport, the gold standard.
Vane actually saw Em briefly when she was doing her waitress act at the Bombardier, but we’re going to have to take the chance, so she’s changed her hair and put on some glasses. He doesn’t seem like he’s an especial student of women’s looks – not from the neck up, at least – so we might get away with it.
