Dear god. What am I supposed to do? How do I get out of this?
“Are you in pain?” I shake my head because I’m not. “Good. Anything else, we can deal with.”
That’s what he thinks. He’s not in my place. Wondering what the hell is going on through the head of the person in front of him. What the rest of his life is going to look like. Whether he’s going to be out on the street.
“Lie down. Relax.” He walks around the bed while I do as he says, gingerly stretching out while still wrapped in the towel. It’s like lying on a cloud, absolutely luxurious, even nicer than the soak in the tub. If I had a bed like this, I would never leave it.
I can’t help but flinch at his touch. He climbed into the bed without me noticing, and he isn’t wearing his suit jacket anymore. He slides one arm under me, draping the other over the top of me, and pulls me a little closer.
All I do is wait. It’s inevitable; his touch will change. His arms will tighten, and maybe he’ll clamp a hand over my mouth. For all I know, this is turning him on, knowing how defenseless I feel. How scared I am. I’m not putting it on this time, either. This isn’t for show. I’m genuinely scared out of my mind.
“Relax. I’m not going to bite you.” Is that humor in his voice? I can’t tell. If it is, he’s laughing at me, but I don’t care. It’s better than him being so angry.
“Sorry. I’m just upset.”
“You don’t have to apologize for being upset. You’ve been through a lot. I have to admit, I had forgotten about you being so hard to find online. Now that you’ve explained the situation, I wonder how I didn’t put it together for myself.”
Why would he think that much about me in the first place? I want to ask, but I don’t dare. I can’t shake the feeling of there being an invisible line between us, one I don’t dare cross. But that’s the thing about invisible lines: if they’re invisible, you don’t know where they are or when you’ve crossed them.
Not until it’s too late.
“All you have to do now is rest. You have nothing to be afraid of here. Tell me you understand that.”
Sure, but it will be a lie. Just about everything about Lucian scares me—most especially the fact that he was the first person I thought of when I got home after the mall. Wondering if I could or should reach out to him. Whether it would be okay to ask him for help — and whether I could afford the payment in return. That was what stopped me, knowing he doesn’t do anything for free. I didn’t want to end up indebted to him even further since God knows what I’d have to do to pay it off.
He expects me to answer, so I do. “I understand.”
“But you took your time answering.”
I close my eyes, wincing, glad that my back is to him so he can’t see my face. “When you’ve been through what I have, it’s not easy to trust. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds, long enough that I can’t help but wonder if I’ve offended him. Finally, he sighs in my ear. “Yes, I suppose it would be difficult.” Is itjust me, or do his arms tighten a little bit when he says it? Almost like he’s hugging me.
It’s dangerous, thinking that way, but it also makes me feel good. If I can trick myself into thinking this is all for my benefit, that he’s doing this for me as opposed to protecting an investment or something like that, I can finally and fully relax. I sink deeper into the bed, into the pillows under my head. I can feel safe with his arms around me. Like nothing in the world will touch me so long as I’m with him.
“There’s something about me I want to make clear, here and now. No matter what I do to you or to any other woman in the service of my needs, I detest anyone who takes their frustrations and feelings of inadequacy out on a weaker person. They’re the worst kind of coward, and there’s no place for them in society. I hate thinking of you suffering at the hands of someone like that. And I wish I had known he might one day be a problem, so I could’ve helped you avoid him.”
It takes a minute for what he’s saying to sink into my brain. “You would’ve done that? Help me, I mean?”
“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Rowan. Yes, I would’ve done my best to see to it you were safe, away from him. While I understand your reticence, I hope you understand now that it’s best to be honest with me.”
“But I didn’t know.” To be honest, I still don’t. I can’t figure him out. One second, he looks like he’s ready to kill somebody, and the next, he’s practically rocking me to sleep in his arms.
“Now you do. You need something, you tell me so.”
“Okay. I will.”
“Now try to get some sleep. You’re overtired, distraught. Some rest will help. And when you wake up, there’s plenty to eat and drink in the kitchen. I want you to take care of yourself.”
“I will.” And as I close my eyes, if only for his sake, I try to convince myself he’s being sincere. That he only wants to help me out. I wish I could believe him, that’s all. I wish I could shake the idea of there being strings attached somehow. Maybe I’m not being fair to him, but screw fair. Life hasn’t exactly been fair to me, either.
After a while, his arms loosen, and he slides away from me. I start a little but settle back down, my eyes still closed. Let him think I’m asleep. He walks slowly and quietly from the room and closes the door without hardly making a sound, leaving me alone.
I wish I could understand him.
Chapter 12
Lucian
