“I do not need to watch you kissing,” Killan grumbles, apparently more annoyed by the idea of seeing Roan and Harlee making out than worried about them “exchanging fingers.”
Typical Killan. I don’t need to see him to know he’s scowling. I bet his upper arms are crossed over his chest, and I bet he’s got his head tilted forward a fraction, a silent and arrogant reminder to Roan that Killan’s taller.
I shift my right hand a fraction until it’s as high as I can comfortably reach. But my left leg is like a lead weight, refusing to release contact with the ladder long enough for me to step up onto the next rung. I steady my breathing, trying to ignore how fast my heart’s racing, as I attempt to trick my brain into tricking my leg into stepping up.
Nothing happens.
I’ve really fucked up.
I don’t even have a proper excuse for being so scared. I didn’t fall out of a tree as a kid. I never tumbled off playground equipment. Nothing happened in my life that would instill in me a rational reason for being frightened. Rather, when I step tooclose to the mezzanine railing or try climbing a ladder, my brain presents me with all the scenarios of things thatcouldhappen.
Icouldslip and fall. Icouldcrack my head open and bleed out on the ground far below.
“When is this ceremony?” Killan asks, and I focus on their conversation as a way of drowning out a little of my irrational panic.
“Next week, I am guessing,” answers Roan. “First, I must ask Harlee if she wishes to wet me.”
“But you already know she does. It was Harlee’s idea.”
“Yes.” Roan’s amused, enjoying Killan’s confusion.
I’m tempted to interrupt, for Harlee’s sake. Planning a wedding for next week? That’s so not going to happen; Harlee deserves more than a week of prep time. But I bite my lower lip, keeping quiet. I don’t want to draw their attention to me, but most of all I’m ashamed of the spike of jealousy I feel, thinking about Roan and Harlee getting engaged.
It’s another step Harlee is taking away from me—and from Earth. I want to feel happy for her, I do. But…it’s hard. Everything’s changing so fast. And every change further cements the new reality that is Harlee and Briar starting new lives on Ril II, while I’m still stuck wanting to return home.
I don’t want this to be my new normal. I don’t want to be trapped on a planet with a population of six people and more wind than is healthy.
I wipe my cheek on my shoulder, brushing away silent tears.
I haven’t cried in front of the others since the night Smith abandoned us, and I’ve got no intention of doing so again. It would be another reminder of how I’m the odd one out.
I’m the only one who isn’t happy. I’m the only one who wants to go home. I’m the only one who didn’t fall in love.
Well…technically, meandKillan. But Killan doesn’t count. Sure, he never seems particularly happy. And sure, he didn’t fallin love. But Ril II is his home; he isn’t trapped here against his will.
“Come,” Roan says, followed by a soft thud—maybe him clapping Killan on the shoulder. “I am giving myself the afternoon off. I would return to my Mate.”
“You barely did any work,” Killan grumbles. “Akh. I left my datapad in the drying room. Fetch it for me, would you.” It’s a request, not a question.
“Really?” comes Roan’s voice. “I thought you left it upstairs.”
“Really.”
Silence follows.
Even from up here, I can tell Roan wants to refuse, but he’s too good-natured, and a moment later I hear him jogging back the way they’d come.
Fuck.
Killan doesn’t acknowledge me as he begins climbing, even though I bet he sent Roan on a wild goose chase because of me. Why, though? To save me the humiliation of being found by two people? Or so he can keep the pleasure of gloating all to himself?
Now,I silently beg my legs.Now would be the perfect time to start working again.
Nothing.
“Climb over me,” I say, attempting an air of nonchalance as Killan nears. “Pretend I’m not here.”
If he’d wanted to be kind, he could’ve used the excuse of forgetting his tablet and gone back for it himself, leaving Roan to find me. I’d much rather it had been Roan. The youngest of the three brothers, he hasn’t yet grown out of his boyish charm. And even though he’s been avoiding me lately, I trust him not to make me feel worse about failing.
