When I reached Nadia's flat, I knocked and braced myself for the conversation ahead. She opened the door almost immediately, her jaw already tight with discontent. Nadia wasusually calm and composed, never one to show emotion easily. But right now, the stiffness in her posture said plenty.
Without a word, she stepped aside to let me through.
Her flat was neat as always. The scent of lavender lingered in the air, and everything was perfectly placed. Even the fresh lilies on the coffee table felt curated. She used to say she preferred things simple. Less clutter, fewer distractions.
Looking at these minimalist rooms, I wondered how we ever clicked at all. Her world was organised and quiet. Mine was controlled chaos filled with half-finished projects, cluttered corners, and photo gear always sitting in the way. Nothing about me fit neatly into her space.
She took a seat on the far end of the sofa while I sat closer to the door. Her voice already sounded heavy with exhaustion. "Elias... I can't do this anymore."
Nadia wasn't the type to start a conversation unless she knew exactly what she wanted to say. So I didn't interrupt.
"I just don't understand you. One minute, you're all in, and the next, it's like you're not even here. You're somewhere else entirely." She paused to look at me, as if waiting for some kind of reaction. She didn't get one. "I don't know what you want from this. I don't even know what we're doing anymore."
I had no clue what to say to that. Nadia wasn't a fling. She wasn't a distraction. She was smart, kind, and steady. She cared about me. And I knew that. I'd really wanted this to work.
I tried to find the right thing to say, but nothing came to mind. She wasn't wrong about me. I had a habit of pulling back just when things got too close. I never did it on purpose, but that didn't make it hurt any less for the people I left behind.
"It's not that I don't care about you," I started, trying to give her the honesty she deserved. "I do. I just... I don't know how to do this the way you want me to."
Her expression tightened, frustration and fatigue written all over her face. "You say that, but what does it even mean?I've tried to be patient. I gave you space. I thought maybe you just needed time, but it's been months. And I still don't know where we stand."
I sighed, rubbing my hands together as guilt settled in my chest. She wasn't being unreasonable. She wasn't asking for anything out of line. She just wanted to know if this was going somewhere. If I was really in it. And I couldn't give her a straight answer.
"I'm not trying to hurt you. You're amazing – "
"Don't." Her voice cut in sharp. "Don't say that if you don't mean it."
The words lodged in my throat.
Her expression shifted from anger into something quieter. Sadder. The look she gave me made it clear that she was finally seeing me for who I really was. Not the man she hoped I could be, but one who couldn't give her what she needed.
"I think I've been fooling myself," she said after a long pause. "I thought maybe you'd come around eventually. But you're not there, are you?"
I shook my head. "I don't think I am. And that's not fair to you."
She let out a breath and leaned back, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "You're right. It's not."
We sat in silence for what felt like forever. I wanted to explain why I was like this, why I couldn't seem to connect the way she wanted me to, but I didn't even know the reason.
After a few minutes, she stood and crossed the room to stand at the window. The soft glow of the city lights outside framed her silhouette. "I just thought maybe this time would be different. I thoughtyoucould be different."
I rose slowly. I wanted to help her understand it wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. But saying so wouldn't make it easier. So rather than drag it out, I said, "I wish I could be."
She turned to look at me. Her eyes were softer now, but the space between us had never felt wider. "I think we're done here." Her words were calm now. Resigned.
"Yeah. I think we are."
She didn't say anything else, so I left quietly. As the door closed behind me, I caught myself staring at the wood grain. Another relationship gone. Another reminder that I couldn't be what someone needed.
I'd been through this too many times before. I didn't know what I wanted. I never seemed to know. I had everything IthoughtI wanted. Success, recognition, a life full of motion. But none of it settled whatever it was that kept tugging at me.
I thought about calling someone, but even the idea of small talk was too much right now. Instead, I made my way outside and started walking. The cool night air brushed against my face as the city faded into a blur of streetlights and shadow.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it. I didn't want to be reachable tonight. I just wanted to let London's endless, restless energy carry me somewhere else.
Rowan
2
