The honesty in his voice cracks something open in my chest. "StatMan was real. Those conversations were real."
"They were. That's what I'm trying to say." He leans forward, elbows on his knees. "StatMan wasn't a lie about who I am. He was just the only version of myself I felt safe showing you."
"But I need you to be able to show me that version face-to-face," I tell him. "Without the distance or pretending to be someone else."
"I’m shitty at it." His voice is raw. "And I’m scared. But I want to try. I called Dr. Sable. Er, I guess you just call her Sable. She gave me a referral to another therapist because of the conflict of interest, so I have an appointment next week. I'm going to do the work."
"Therapy is a start. But I need more than that." I take a deep breath. "I need you to talk to me. Tell me when you're scared or upset or struggling. I don’t want you to just bottle it up until you explode or hide behind a screen."
"I swear I’ll do my best."
I take his hand, linking our fingers. "And no more secrets. No more lies. Not even little ones to protect my feelings or avoid conflict."
"No more secrets," he agrees. “That’s my normal motto.”
"And we need to figure out how to protect my job. If people find out about us, I'm the one who gets fired. You get a slap on the wrist. That power imbalance terrifies me."
"We'll talk to Juliet tomorrow and figure out how to disclose this properly so you're protected." His voice gets fierce. "If we can't make it work without putting your job at risk, I'll leave the team. Not you."
My eyes burn. "You'd do that?"
"Scout, I'd do anything for you. I just didn't know how to show you without being terrified of losing you." He shifts closer, hesitant. "I'm still terrified. But I'm more scared of losing you than I am of being vulnerable."
I study his face. There’s honesty there, with fear and hope warring in his eyes.
“All right, Si.” I suck in a long breath. Saying the words feels like jumping off a cliff. "If you're willing to be honest with me without hiding, I’m definitely willing to put in the effort. You’re worth it."
"I am." He reaches for my hand. "I'll spend every day proving it to you if you let me."
I let him pull me closer. His skin is still warm from the shower. He smells like soap and that cedar scent that's just him.
"Thank you," he whispers against my hair. "For not leaving. And for giving me a chance."
"I'm tougher than you think," I tell him. "Try to trust that I'm not going to run the first time things get hard."
He groans. "I hope there won't be a next time."
I pull back and look at him. "There absolutely will be. We're going to fight. We're going to have moments where we screw up and hurt each other. That's what relationships are."
"That sounds terrible."
"It's also normal. And it’s okay." I cup his face in my hands. "The question is whether we can fight and come back to each other. Can we be honest even when it's scary? Trust each other to stay?"
"I want to trust that. I want to believe you won't leave."
"Then practice." I kiss him softly. "Start small. Tell me one thing right now that scares you."
"I'm scared you'll wake up one day and realize I'm not worth the effort."
I slip my hand around the back of his neck, staring into that bright blue-gray gaze."I'm scared you'll decide being vulnerable is too hard and shut me out again."
Si’s lips twitch and he sighs heavily. "I'm scared I'll fuck this up so badly you'll hate me."
I whisper, "I'm scared I'll lose myself trying to fix you."
I lay my head against his chest and he cradles me, rocking in a soundless rhythm.
Eventually I stand and pull him up with me. "I'm going to make us dinner. Something easy. And you're going to help me without trying to take over the whole kitchen."
