"Not really." I wrap my hands around the warm coffee mug. "I keep going back and forth. One minute I want to forgive him. The next minute I want to throw all his protein powder in the trash and move to Canada."
Sable laughs. "Both are valid options."
"The thing is, I keep thinking about all those conversations. How open I was with StatMan. I wasvulnerable. And the whole time it was Silas." I set my mug down. "Did he ever say anything about being StatMan?"
"I can't answer that. You know I can't. HIPAA and shit."
"I know. You’re a good doctor." Our food arrives and I take a bite of the burrito. It's loaded with eggs and cheese and perfectly spiced. "I just want to know why he did it. He was just more open as StatMan. He told me a lot of things that I have trouble imagining he’d say to my face."
Sable pauses, her fork poised in the air. "And what does that tell you?"
I consider the question. "That the problem isn't that he was a different person. It’s that he felt like he needed to hide behind a screen to be himself with me."
"That sounds right." Sable reaches across and squeezes my hand. "The question is whether you can live with that. Do you need him to be capable of vulnerability without the distance?"
"I do need that. I can't be in a relationship where he only opens up through a screen."
"Then you need to tell him that." Her voice is gentle but firm. "When you're ready, I mean. You tell him exactly what you need from him if you two are going to work."
"What if he can't give me that?"
"Then you'll know. And you'll make a decision based on reality, not fear." She pauses, thinking carefully. "I’m going to try to avoid landmines here. I’m just talking about Silas in general, as a person. But for what it's worth, I think he’ll give you everything he’s capable of giving. Maybe more than that. But he's going to need help."
"He mentioned calling you. He said he was going to therapy."
Sable nods, taking another precise bite of her toast. "He did. I have to refer him to someone else, obviously. Conflict of interest. But I gave him Dr. Max Liehrstahl's information. Max is excellent with athletes who struggle with emotional vulnerability. 90% of them do."
"You think he's serious about getting help?"
"I can’t really say that." She stands and refills both our coffee cups. "But I can tell you things that I notice about you. Your patterns, your fears, the things you bring into relationships." She sets her fork down and looks at me directly. "You want to hear them?"
"You know I always want to hear your advice. Hit me."
"You have a tendency to accommodate. You make yourself smaller so other people are more comfortable. You learned it from Mom, watching her disappear into taking care of Dad." Sable's voice is matter-of-fact, clinical. "And with Enzo, you did the same thing. You became what he needed instead of asking for what you needed."
The words land like boulders thrown from the Empire State building. "I know."
"The question isn't just whether Silas can be vulnerable. The real question is whether you can hold your ground. Can you demand honesty and openness without folding the first time it gets uncomfortable?"
"I left, didn't I? That's not folding."
"Leaving was good. The hard part is returning." She meets my eyes. "Scout, you love him. That's obvious. But love isn't enough if you're going to sacrifice yourself to keep it."
I heave a sigh. "I know that too."
"Good." She smiles. "Then you're already ahead of where you were with Enzo. Who, by the way, is a worthless piece of garbage."
“So you’ve said. You haven’t had a nice thing to say about him since I told you I was leaving him.”
Her eyes flash with amusement. “I thought he was a sack of shit before you got married, but I didn’t feel like it was my place to judge.”
“Well, you have my permission to tell me if you think that I’m crazy, rushing into the arms of another hockey player.”
She smiles and slowly shakes her head. “Even if I thought you were being a teensy bit impetuous, I would never stand between you two. You’ve wanted him since college. Now, you finally get him. I just hope he treats you better than he has.”
I screw my face up. “Silas is wonderful, except… this whole thing.”
Sable nods. “There’s usually something.”
