The instinct is there—to deny it all, to take back the words and save myself from humiliation and heartbreak—but I can’t do it. I can’t pretend my feelings don’t exist. It’s bad enough we’ve been lying to most of our friends and our families. I refuse to add lying to myself to the list. “I meant what I said. I have feelings for you. Strong feelings.”
A horror-struck expression washes over his face, and he might as well have just stabbed me through the heart. Pain spears me on the inside, and tears build in my eyes, but I force myself to go on. “You’re the one lying to yourself, Callan. I know you feel it too.” I get up, keeping the comforter wrapped around me. “Like I know you’re scared, but?—”
“No.” He holds up his hand as he starts backing away. “I’m not lying, and I don’t feel it. I don’t have those feelings for you.” He shoves his feet into his sneakers while hastily pulling on his jacket. “This was a mistake.”
Another crack appears in my heart as I stand rooted to the spot.
“I was faking it, like we agreed, but if I’d known you were buying into it, I’d have pulled the plug weeks ago.”
I’m horrified when a single tear sneaks out of my eye, and I hug the covers to my chest, wishing the ground would swallow me. Either he’s delusional, or I’ve been seeing what I wanted to see. Either way, the result is the same. Bile swims up my throat as I shake all over, but I don’t say anything because what’s left to say?
“We agreed we’d end this if one of us wanted to, and I do,” he says, yanking his gloves on. He moves to the window before stopping and looking back at me. Something sparks in his eyes momentarily, but it’s gone again as fast. “I’m sorry.”
“Get out,” I whisper, wanting to fall apart alone.
His Adam’s apple jumps in his throat as his mouth opens and then closes again, whatever he was going to say dying on his tongue as he climbs out through my window for the last time.
28
ASTRID
“He’s a prick.” Gwen seethes beside me in the cafeteria as I pick at my burrito. My appetite fled around the same time Callan did.
“Maybe you should talk to him,” Renee says, looking across the room to the soccer team’s table where Callan is sitting between Riley and Chris. “He’s had five days to think about it, and he might feel differently now. He watches you all the time when he thinks no one’s looking, but I’ve caught him staring, and he doesn’t look happy.”
“I wouldn’t chase after him,” Nikki says before biting into her apple.
I turn to Lyn, waiting for her to offer advice, but she remains silent, like usual lately. “You don’t want to say something?”
She shakes her head. “It’s none of my business,” she says before lowering her gaze to her lap. She is taking her parents’ impending divorce really hard, and she’s like a shell of the girl I used to know.
I jerk my head up as footsteps approach, internally groaning when Ana stops at our table. She pins me with a smug grin. “Iknew he’d come to his senses.” Her derisory gaze rakes over me. “A virgin was never going to hold his attention for long.”
I purposely ignore her, unwilling to give her what she wants. She’d love to make a scene, but I’m done being the subject of gossip. I guess Callan couldn’t wait to tell everyone we’d broken up because the news was all over school by lunchtime Monday. I’m still hurt, but it’s starting to feel a lot like anger.
“Fuck off, Ana,” Gwen snarls, and while I love how she jumps to defend me, I really wish she wouldn’t. Ana isn’t above taking it out on Gwen at cheerleading practice.
“Watch it, Gwen,” Ana snaps. “I’ll let that one pass, but keep going, and you’ll find yourself sitting on the bench come game day. I have Coach wrapped around my little finger, and she’ll do it if I ask.”
“Drop it,” I say in a low voice. “She’s not worth it, Gwen.”
“Got nothing to say, virgin?” Ana continues poking me, but I stare straight ahead, ignoring her until she finally gets the message, huffing and stomping off in the direction of the soccer team’s table.
“You’d think she might mature the older she gets, but I swear she’s even bitchier than she was as a freshman,” Renee says, scoffing as she watches Ana drape herself all over Callan from behind.
He pushes her away instantly, but I wonder how long he’ll keep doing that. Then again, Callan clearly wants uncomplicated, no-strings-attached fun, and Ana is as complicated and clingy as they come. He said he can’t stand her, but I’m questioning everything he said and did around me now, and who’s to know if that’s the truth?
“You can’t take the bitch out of that bitch,” Nikki drawls before slurping her coffee.
“If she is who he wants, he’s welcome to her.” It’s the truth. If he ends up with Ana, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and Iwant nothing to do with him. It’s going to be awkward with how close our families are, but I’ll get through it. I have ten months until I leave for college, and the campus is big enough I can avoid him if he’s there.
“Do you mean that?” Gwen eyes me curiously.
“I’m not chasing after him,” I say, scooping up a forkful of salad. “I was honest with him, and I owe him no apologies. He’s the one in the wrong. If he can’t man up and apologize, he’s not someone I have interest in any longer.” It hurts to admit it because, deep down, I think the guy I got to know is the real Callan, but if he wants to smother his feelings because he’s scared or stubborn or blatantly lying to himself, there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.
I just hope my heart gets the memo soon because I’m sick of crying myself to sleep and pining for a boy who doesn’t look like he wants me.
Lyn clears her throat. “I have news.”
