“I love you.” He whispers the words across my lips after he breaks our lip-lock.
Spinning around in his arms, I place my hands on his shoulders. “I love you too. So, so much, but we need to talk.”
Alarm widens his eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say, hoping it’s the truth, but the reality is I don’t know what the future holds, and we’re both carrying so much emotional baggage. “Let’s take our coffees and sit out on the patio.”
He’s quiet as we fix our drinks, walk outside, and settle beside one another on one of the couches.
I turn to face him, nursing my coffee mug in my hands. “We need to talk about Darcy and us and where we go from here.”
“I know.” He clears his throat. “Tell me where your head is at.”
“Spending this time with you has been magical. But?—”
“You promised it wouldn’t be a one-time thing. You?—”
“Callan.” I set my mug down on the coffee table. “It’s not a one-time thing. I meant what I said. You’re my forever. You always have been; it’s just I think maybe we should’ve discussed your daughter before we tumbled into bed.”
His face falls, and witnessing his vulnerability is hard. “You regret it?”
“Absolutely not.” I brush my lips against his. “I love you, and there’s no going back, but I think we should take this slow, and I don’t think we should be together around Darcy.”
“Because you’re not sure if you can accept her.” He puts his coffee down.
“Because this is new and we still have so much baggage to wade through. We haven’t even started counseling yet. Darcy is the priority. The things we do impact her, and yes, I’m still struggling to get past Gwen. I’m sorry,” I add in a whisper when I see the pain on his face.
“Don’t be sorry. I know you’re not doing it on purpose. You can’t help how you feel, and remember I had similar thoughts before she was born, but she’s amazing, Astrid, and nothing like that bitch that spawned her.”
I take his hands in mine. “I know, Callan. She’s a very special little girl, and she makes it easy to love her. The issue is all me.” I hate having to tell him this, but we don’t stand a chance at a future together if we’re not brutally honest with one another. “I hate Gwen gave you something I haven’t. Darcy is a part of you and a part ofher,and it hurts, Callan. It hurts a lot, especially knowing how she came to be. I try to look at her as a sweet, little mini version of you, and some days it’s easy because she looks so much like you, she sounds like you, she shares your sense of humor and your love of sports and the outdoors. She’s thriving under your love. She’s thoughtful and kind and caring of others, the exact opposite of her mother.”
Tears stab my eyes. “You have done such an amazing job with her. Watching you two together these past weeks has been heartwarming. Seeing you braid her hair, coloring with her, helping her with her homework, playing football with her, carrying her on your shoulders when we go hiking, tickling her, and making her squeal with laughter is beautiful.”
I pause to draw a breath. “WatchingFrozenpatiently for the hundredth time, eating the pastries she baked—when there’s more pastry than fruit—and telling her it’s the best thing you’ve ever eaten, and so many more examples I could give. Honestly, it’s incredible. You’re an incredible father to that little girl, and you did it when you were dealing with PTSD, grieving so muchloss, and fearing for the lives of your loved ones. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
“Like you said, she makes it easy to love her. And I’ve had lots of help.”
“You still did the heavy lifting, and I am in awe of you. Watching you as a father only makes me love you even more.”
“But it’s not enough.”
“I didn’t say that. I just need time. I’m working through my issues with Ginger, and we can talk about it in counseling too.” I place my hand over my heart. “I want to love her, Callan. I want to be there for her. I want us to be a family, but my head keeps getting in the way.”
He cups my face. “I love you for wanting to try, and I’m hopeful she will win you over, but what if she doesn’t?”
My heart plummets to my stomach. “I don’t think we should think like that.”
“I can’t lose you again, Astrid, but I also can’t choose between you and my daughter.”
“I would never ask that of you.Never.” I place my hand over his on my face. “I don’t want you to ever feel like that, which is why we should tread carefully around Darcy. I want my love for her to develop purely and completely. I want to cherish her for the person she is. Because she’s an extension ofyouand your love. Not because Gwen wins if I can’t accept her.”
“I hate that bitch is still finding ways to come between us.”
I lower our hands to my lap. “It won’t be forever. We’ll find a way to make it work.” I hope I haven’t just lied to him, but I want to accept Darcy, and I’m going to do everything I can to move past my issues and be the mother she so desperately needs.
“I know it’s not easy for you, Astrid.” He rests his brow against mine. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I love you so much for trying. And for being kind to her, even when I see how much looking at her is hurting you.”
“She’s an innocent in all this.” I repeat what we’ve said previously as my cell vibrates in my jeans pocket, and Callan pulls his head back from mine. “Darcy has suffered enough for the sins of her mother.” I remove my cell and swipe my finger across the screen. “It’s Paige. Maybe she has an update for us.”
