He rinses his mug and leaves it on the draining board, turning to stare at me in silence for a few beats. “I still can’t believe you’re a dad.”
“Me too, mate. It wasn’t what I had planned, but here we are.”
From the second Darcy came into this world, exactly two weeks after my twentieth birthday, I have loved her with all of my being. Before she arrived, I was scared I wouldn’t be ableto look at her, let alone love her, but my protective instincts kicked in immediately. Sheltering her and Astrid from Gwen is my priority. It’s why I’m doing what I’m doing, even if I’m close to cracking.
My mental health is strained to the point of breaking, and I only have the strength to keep this charade going because I’m plotting behind the scenes to bring that bitch down. Stress is playing havoc with my system. I rarely sleep. My brain won’t switch off, and then I’m up regularly to feed Darcy during the night. I have constant migraines and issues with my stomach. I’ve buried so many emotions deep down inside because it’s the only way I can function each day.
I can’t afford to fall apart.
My daughter needs me to be present.
I need to be strong to protect Astrid.
The only respite I have is football. When I’m on that pitch, I’m thinking of nothing but scoring, and it’s a welcome escape from the hell my life has turned into. If I didn’t have football…well, I don’t like thinking about it.
Travis dries his hands with some kitchen towel. “Is your manager pissed you keep getting into trouble?”
“He’s not happy I got a red card and a three-match ban. He gave me a right earful.”
“It’s not like you to be so aggressive on the field. You’re talented enough to win the ball without nasty tackles.”
I emit a heavy sigh. “I know, but I’m just so fucking angry all the time.”
“At least tell me why you’re doing this.”
We enter into a staring contest. I should say nothing, but I’m grateful to have one friend who still cares. Everyone else has ditched me—as they should. I’m glad they are supporting Astrid because she’s the one who deserves their support. My Irish mates are still here for me, but I rarely see them, and I don’t talkto them about it because they don’t know Astrid or the geebag I’m stuck with.
“To protect Astrid and Darcy. It’s all for them,” I admit.
Travis steps up to me, probing my face for clues. “Why do they need protection, Hunt?”
“Gwen is a psycho. Crazier than anyone realizes. It’s why you need to keep your distance. She’s liable to do anything.” Tension bleeds into the air, and it’s heavy with all the things I can’t say.
“You’re serious.”
I nod.
“Can’t you go to the cops?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“I don’t like this. She’s blowing up your whole life, and what if she does something to you?”
“She won’t. She loves the attention that comes from being a footballer’s girlfriend, and she loves my money.”
“Don’t you mean fiancée?”
My stomach twists into knots. “Don’t remind me.”
A visual of Astrid’s devastated face swims before my eyes, and I clutch my stomach as it twists into familiar knots. All I wanted to do that day in town was scoop her into my arms and disappear with her, some place where no one could ever find us. Discovering her ring finger empty destroyed me inside even if it’s good she got rid of my promise ring and forgot what she swore. It’s better this way. No matter how much it’s breaking me to let this happen. I wanted to kick Gwen in the gee that day because every word coming from her mouth was pointed and nasty, but I’ve got a role to play, and I need Astrid to hate me and walk away.
I can’t keep her safe if she doesn’t.
I’m well aware that by the time I fix all of this, I will have lost her forever. Even if I got the opportunity to tell her the truth, how could we ever come back from it? I don’t know what will beleft of me when this is all over. All I know for sure is the man Astrid loved is gone. That version of me died that night. Astrid won’t want the shell of the man left in his place.
Plus, how could she ever accept Darcy when she’s Gwen’s biological child? I couldn’t ask that of her. No, all I can do is protect Astrid by keeping that bitch close and pushing my true love away. I’m trying to accept that I’ve lost the love of my life forever, but the pain is unbearable, and combined with everything else, it’s almost too much some days.
I shut it all away. Forcing it down into a forgotten place. I have to. Gwen is always watching, and I can’t give her any indication of my true feelings.
