“Some would say I am because I found the one, and I didn’t protect her the way I promised. I pushed her away and told her she was dead if she ever came back to New York. She’s gone, lost to me forever, because of my actions.” The usual pressure sits on my chest, but I’m used to living with the pain. It’s been constant throughout the years, when each new lead winds up going nowhere.
“You weren’t the only one who handled it badly.” Gia reminds me, snuggling her babe against her chest. “I’m ashamed of how I reacted. Elisa was the only one who saw it clearly without any doubts.”
“There’s no point looking back, and no one could’ve done more to find her than you,” Joshua says, directing his comment in my direction. “You’ve been relentless, and you’ve tried everything.”
“Yet it wasn’t enough.” I slap a hand over my heart. “She’s in here. Sloane will always own every piece of me. Which is why a marriage contract is the only way forward. I don’t want any other woman.” Even the thought of it turns my stomach. “I only want her, but I promised myself I’d draw a line when five years were up. There hasn’t been any sign of her in over a year, and I can’t keep chasing a ghost.” I can’t verbalize the crippling thoughts that sometimes creep into my brain, telling me I was too late getting to Fuentes and he got to her first. I don’t want to believe the shit he said before I ended the psycho bastard were truths, and not purely the taunts of a man who knew his time was up.
“Maybe Sloane realized she could finally stop running,” Caleb says.
“She is most likely settled somewhere under a new identity living a new life,” Gia says, but I can tell, like me, she can’t discount the possibility my love is buried in a nameless grave somewhere.
“I want to believe it so badly,” I say over the lump in my throat. “I want to think of her happy out there somewhere living her best life, even if it’s not with me. I’d have closure if I got confirmation, but not knowing either way is slowly eating me alive.”
“Perhaps she’s out there thinking the same thing of you, Cristian.” Elisa’s features soften with compassion. “She wouldn’t want you to live your life without love. You might just need more time before you’re ready to date again.”
“I know what I want, Elisa, and it will always be her. If my punishment is to live without love, so be it. It’s what I deserve for betraying the woman I love, for not being there for her when she needed me most. But I won’t let Elio suffer. He doesn’t deserve to be punished for my failings.”
Genuine affection mushrooms in my chest as I smile at my best friend’s wife. “I’m so grateful to you, Elisa. Natalia, Serena, and Sierra too. You’ve all showered him with love, but he needs a permanent guiding light in his life.”
Elisa babysat the kids for part of the day every day for years, while her mother, mother-in-law, and Gia’s mother took the kids the rest of the time so she could work for her graphic design clients. It has made life easier for all of us, and I’m so grateful for the support.
Elio was troubled for months after Sloane left, and I didn’t want to hire a stranger to care for him, so Elisa’s selfless offer was a lifesaver. Now he’s older, he doesn’t need a full-time nanny, but he does need a mother.
“And you think Isotta Da Rosa fits the bill?” Gia’s tone is laced with disbelief. I’ve been waiting for her to cut in. She hates Elio’s aunt even more than she used to.
“She’s been consistent in his life, and he adores her.” They have weekly sleepovers, and she shows up for every school play, every basketball game, every event, and activity. No one can convince me she doesn’t love Elio as much as she’d love her own child.
“That won’t change if you marry her,” Caleb says. “Let her have more access to him if that’s what Elio wants, but don’t saddle yourself with a woman you’ll never love.”
I knew my friends would react like this when I told them of Rafaelo’s proposal. Elio’s maternal grandfather is retiring this year, and he’s keen to tie up loose ends. His spinster daughter being top of the list. He has approached me about it a few times in the past couple of years, and I get it. There is already a blood bond between our families and a shared commitment to Elio’s well-being. Isa never remarried after the shame of Carmine’s treachery, and I haven’t recovered after losing Sloane. We both crave a family but haven’t found love.
On paper, it makes a lot of sense.
“Love has nothing to do with it,” I say. “Isa knows I will never love her and never be her lover. We’ll have separate bedrooms and use IVF to have children. It’s a mutually beneficial business arrangement where both parties know exactly what they are getting out of the union.”
“You cannot genuinely be this naïve.” Gia shakes her head. “Come on, Cristian. Wise the hell up. Isa has always wanted you. I don’t care what bullshit is in the contract, mark my words, as soon as your ring is on her finger, she’ll be doing her best to seduce you. The woman is a snake, and I can’t believe you are giving this any consideration! You will never convince me she didn’t have some involvement in what went down. I don’t care if everything pointed to Carmine and Vincenzo, and nothing tied her to it. My gut says there is more to it, and I always trust my instincts.”
“Gia, I love you, but you’re totally biased when it comes to her.”
“You’re a blind fool if you go ahead with this,” she clips out. “I’m not sure I can ever speak to you again if you shackle yourself to that cunt.”
“Tell me how you really feel.” I drain my beer and snap my fingers, gesturing at Elio to come. I don’t want to say something I’ll later regret, and it’s clear we’ll never see eye to eye on this subject. “I promised my father I’d marry, and it’s time.”
“Your old man was a sly bastard on his deathbed.” Caleb pins me with a look that dares me to challenge him for speaking ill of the dead. “He did a number on you and poor Sabina. Just because you told him what he wanted to hear before he passed away, doesn’t mean you have to go through with it. It’s a conversation you should have with your sister too.”
“It’s called honoring a promise. Something both of us feel a duty to fulfill.”
“Maybe youarelegit insane,” Caleb adds, “because you’re throwing your life away without even trying to find love again.”
Elio runs across the grass as I stand abruptly, letting my chair fall to the ground. “You don’t get to lecture me.” I work hard to leash my anger because I know my friend’s words come from a place of concern. “You have a beautiful wife, a beautiful family, and life is perfect. I gave up my one and only chance at that kind of happiness.” I thump my clenched fist against my chest as Elio approaches, slowing his steps and frowning at the obvious confrontation. “I don’t get to have that now, but I’ve got to find some way of moving forward, and this is my only option.” So what if I’m miserable? Maybe it’s the price I have to pay for fucking up so spectacularly.
“Why not wait and find someone else to enter into a marriage contract with?” Joshua suggests. “You’d have no shortage of offers.”
She’d be a stranger to Elio, but I’m not stating that out loud when he could possibly hear. “I’ll think about it,” I lie. Crooking my fingers, I gesture Elio forward. “Thanks for a lovely lunch, Elisa.” Bending down, I kiss her cheek before kissing her baby son’s brow. “I’m gonna stay in the city tonight, but you can tell Natalia we’ll be back tomorrow in time for Sunday lunch.” Elio is staying with Isa tonight at her Manhattan apartment, and I plan to drop by my mother’s house to see her and my sister. I’ll either sleep there or at the penthouse.
“We only say this because we love you so much and want you to be happy,” Elisa clarifies, squeezing my arm.
“I know, and I’m grateful to have friends who have my back.” It’s no word of a lie, but we’re never going to agree on this, and ultimately, it’s my life, my decision.
