I swallow a large mouthful of wine before I fess up. “Sawyer wants another kid. I don’t, and we’ve been arguing for months about it.”
Her eyes pop wide. “I so wasn’t expecting that. I thought you’d both agreed on two. One biological child each. What changed?”
I shrug. “I’m not really sure. I thought we were on the same page until he broached the subject in January. He wants another baby, but I think things are perfect, and why complicate it? We have demanding jobs and two kids with extracurricular activities to keep us busy. Life is good.” I sigh before reaching for a cookie.“Or it was before this difference of opinion.” I bite half the cookie in one go, chewing slowly as Abby clutches my free hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.
“We agreed to a truce for the vacation, and we had a great time without the stress of all this hanging over our heads.” I eat the rest of the cookie as Abby patiently waits for me to finish. “But it only served to highlight the gap that is growing between us, and I hate it.”
My heart heaves, and anxiety twists my stomach into knots. Tears stab the backs of my eyes as I stare at my best friend. “This is tearing us apart, and I’m so scared, Abs. I can’t lose Hunt, and I’m afraid if I don’t agree that I might.”
“Oh, Xavier.” She flings her arms around me, hugging me tight.
I cling to her with a desperation I haven’t felt in years. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I’m no longer enough? I mustn’t be if he doesn’t feel content with the way things are.”
“I’m sure it’s not that. Hunt loves you.” She leans back but keeps her arms around me. “Hunt fought for your love, and I know he wouldn’t give up on you. He just wouldn’t.”
I shrug, letting defeat roll over me like a tidal wave. “Every time we talk about it, we end up arguing and barely talking for days. It’s agony when we work and live together.”
“You’re both so freaking stubborn, and I’m saying that knowing Kai and I are equally stubborn too. But that’s really not healthy, Xavier. Our arguments can get very heated, but we always,alwayspatch things up before bed. I know it’s cliché to say it, but we never go to sleep fighting, and you two would do well to try that approach.”
“That’s a moot point if I lose him.” My shoulders deflate. “My entire world revolves around that man, and I won’t survive it if he walks away.”
“Hey.” She cups my cheek. “It won’t come to that. Have you considered going for couples counseling? Maybe it would help you to talk it all out and reach a compromise.”
“I’m not sure how one compromises over something like this.”
“Either one of you could change your mind,” she suggests, lifting the plate and offering me another cookie.
“You just highlighted our stubbornness,” I grumble.
“Marriage is about compromise, and you’ve been together too long to let something like this destroy you. Every couple goes through ups and downs. This is just a stumbling block. A challenge to overcome and find a way to move forward. But you can’t give up, Xavier. That’s so not like you.”
I sip my wine, holding the cookie in my hand. “I haven’t been sleeping great lately. Work pressures play on my mind at night. We’re stretched so thin, and I don’t think I can handle the stress of finding a new surrogate, arguing over which one of us will donate sperm this time, or the sleepless nights and constant attention a newborn needs. It wouldn’t be fair to our existing family or the new child.”
“Hmm.” Abby swirls the lush red wine in her glass as she stares off into space. “Are you totally opposed to another baby because I remember someone wanting a whole football field full of kids.”
“That was the dream, but reality kicked it to the curb pretty fast. Don’t get me wrong, I love our kids, but I don’t want to stretch us too thin and not have enough time to devote to their needs.”
“I get why you wouldn’t want this right now, but if those obstacles weren’t an issue, would you want another baby?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know.” I drag my hand through the messy waves of my blue-black hair. “It’s hard to think clearly when those things are a part of my current reality.”
“The way I see it, none of those things are insurmountable. Get a prescription for sleeping pills or visit a naturopath, kinesiologist, or an acupuncturist to get help naturally for stress and sleep disturbance. Hire extra staff at work and delegate better, and you could always hire a nanny to help with the baby?”
“We didn’t use nannies with Cuan or Aubree, and I wouldn’t want any other kid to feel deprived of us during the formative years.”
“I get that. I always want my children to feel like they are equally loved and supported.” She drags her lower lip between her teeth. “What about parking the issue for a couple years? Would Sawyer be prepared to wait to reopen the subject until things are less hectic?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t discussed that.” The thought didn’t even occur to me, and if it occurred to Hunt, he didn’t mention it.
“You’re feeling overwhelmed right now, and it’s understandable you don’t want to add more to your plate. But you might feel differently in the future once things are less stressful.”
Hope butterflies inside me. My husband is a logical man, and this should appeal to that side of his brain. I know it’s still an emotional topic, but surely my silver fox would be open to at least discussing this as a temporary compromise? We certainly couldn’t wait more than a year or two. We’re both in our forties, and we don’t want to be too old if we add to our family. We need to be young enough to be around to watch them grow up and to have the energy to devote to their needs.
“You’re a genius, Abby. I should have ignored Hunt when he told me to keep this private. If I’d spoken to you months ago, we might have already found a resolution.”
“It’s easier to see a solution when it’s someone else’s problem.” Hurt splays in her eyes. “And hopefully Sawyer will be amenable to waiting.”
“I’ll talk to him when he gets back.” I take a large chunk out of my cookie, dropping crumbs on my lap. “Now,” I say in between bites. “Tell me the latest with Oli.”
