“That prick needs to fuck off out of Kilcoole, and I have a few ideas on how I can make that happen.” Shane clamps his hand on my shoulder. “That can’t have been easy. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be okay once I see Ash.” I shrug like I didn’t just age a hundred years in the past few hours. To say I was terrified is an understatement.
Shane surveys my red-rimmed eyes but says nothing, just squeezes my shoulder one final time and drops it.
Ma and Da come back the same time Ciarán arrives, the latter looking pale and stressed. I can’t imagine that three-hour drive was much fun. We all hug him, and then Shane and I leave to visit Ash.
She looks so tiny in the bed, and my heart aches anew.
“What the hell happened to her hair?” Shane whispers as we claim seats on either side of her bed, both of us taking her hands.
My eyes widen when I see the hacked jagged strands of hair resting high on the nape of her neck. “I don’t know,” I choke out. “I didn’t even notice.”
“All her pretty hair gone.” Sadness shrouds his face. “That fucker has so much to answer for.”
“I hate him,” I say through gritted teeth. “I want to kill him with my bare hands for doing this to her.”
“He doesn’t get to ruin your life like he’s tried to ruin hers.” Shane leans in and presses a soft kiss to her cheek. “You leave this to me, Dillon.” He drills me with a sharp look. “I mean it. No one has done more for Ash than you. Now it’s my turn. I’m her big brother, and I need a chance to protect her. Let me handle it now. You take care of her.”
“You’ve got Fiona and the baby to think about.”
“I’m doing this for Ash. End of.”
Well, okay, then. “Fine.” I nod my agreement. I’ll focus on my sister and leave Cillian Fucking Doyle to Shane.
11
AGE 17
Silence descends except for the steady beeping of the machine Ash is hooked up to. We both stare at her in numbed shock. All of this is still so surreal. I regret the day I befriended Cillian Doyle, wishing I had never brought him into our lives. Lifting Ash’s hand to my lips, I kiss her warm skin, so grateful the ambulance came fast and we got here in time. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like if we’d been too late. I honestly think I would’ve died too. I wouldn’t have survived if I’d lost her. My sister means the world to me.
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I love her with so much intensity. I mean, I love my brothers too and my parents, but it’s always been different with Ash. Us two have been joined at the hip from the time we were little. I feel sorry for Ro. Shane and Ciarán are close, and I have Ash. As the youngest, Ro tends to be on his own, and I often wonder if he feels left out.
I make a vow, then and there, to include him more. He’s been pestering me a lot lately to jam with us. He started drum lessons eighteen months ago, and while he uses the Toxic Gods outbuilding to practice every day when we’re not there, I haven’t let him play with us as I don’t want to piss Aaron off. It took us awhile to gel as a band, and we get along for the most part. I don’t want Aaron to feel threatened if Ro starts jamming with us.
But maybe Jay and I can practice with him one day a week, and perhaps I can convince Shane to come see us play in Bray one Friday night so Ro can come too. Ma won’t let him go to the pub on his own, and Ash has been MIA for months now.
Ash doesn’t wake properly until the middle of the night, and I’m the only one in the room with her. Shane took Ma, Da, and Ro home earlier. Ciarán is asleep in one of the chairs in the waiting room. The psychiatrist didn’t get to see Ash today because of some emergency that held her up. She’s coming to see her first thing in the morning, and provided she’s happy, Ash can go home then.
They tried to kick all of us out at nine when visiting hours are officially over, but I refused to leave. We were lucky one of the nurses on night duty is the older sister of Ciarán’s new girlfriend, Susie. She fixed it so two of us could stay. Ma wanted to stay, but Da made her leave. She was exhausted and nodding off in the chair.
When Ash slowly blinks her eyes open, I stand and lean over her, careful not to crowd her even though every instinct demands I pull her into a tight hug and never let her go. “Hey you.” I clear my throat, overcome with emotion when her blue eyes meet mine. In brief panicked moments, I worried I’d never get to see them again.
“Dillon.” Her voice sounds scratched raw as she looks around the room with a small frown.
“You’re in St. Vincent’s ICU,” I explain, pulling the chair right up beside her and sitting back down. “How do you feel?”
“Like shit. My head hurts, and my throat and my stomach are sore.”
I take her hand in mine. “You’re going to be okay.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her eyes filling with tears.
“I know.” I pat her hand. “But if you ever do anything like that again, I’ll fucking follow you, Ash. I swear.” As much as I was worried, I’m mad at her too.
“I just wanted it to stop, Dil. I’m in so much pain, and I just wanted to silence all the screaming in my head. I didn’t stop to properly think about it. What it’d do to you, Ma, Da, and the others. I just needed the hurt to end.”
“Promise me you won’t do this again, Ash.”
