My eyes widen as he just puts it right out there.
“Shite,” he blurts. “She’s going to kill me for blabbing, but I’ve been bursting to tell you since we found out last week.”
“Why didn’t Ash tell me?” Grabbing a glass from the press, I sit down beside my best mate. Guilt is instant at the thought of the additional stress I’ve landed on my sister’s lap recently at a time when she should be stress free. I vow to find some way to make it up to her.
“She wanted to wait until the twelve-week mark when it’s safe, apparently.”
“I’ve no idea what that means, but this is amazing news.” I grab him into a hug. “Congrats, man. I’m made up for ya.”
“I’m over the moon.” Tears fill his eyes. “I’m going to be a dad. I’m equal parts excited and scared.”
“You’ll be nothing like him,” I reassure, knowing exactly where his head has ventured. I top up his glass before pouring whiskey into mine. “A toast,” I add, raising my glass. “To baby Fleming.”
“To baby Fleming.” We clink glasses and swallow the amber-colored liquid.
“How come you’re back so early? You give new meaning to wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” He snorts out a laugh.
“Wasn’t feeling it.” I shrug, deliberately downplaying it. This is a happy time for Jay, and he doesn’t need my depressive arse dragging him down.
“Spill.” He eyeballs me solemnly.
“Another time.”
“Shut yer face, Dillon. This is me. Talk to me.”
I open and close my mouth, knowing if I start it’ll all just spew like lava. Jamie doesn’t deserve that tonight.
“It’s ’cause you went home with a brunette, right?” he coaxes, and the tenuous hold I have on my control snaps.
A shuddering breath flees my lips as I nod and prepare to drop a ton of verbal diarrhea. “There’s something very wrong with me, Jamie.” I grip the glass tight as my chin lowers. “I flirted with that actress only because she works on Viv’s show, and when we got to her place, I wasted no time getting her on all fours and ramming into her from behind. I treated her like shit. Pretending she was someone else, and when she couldn’t live up to that expectation, I just felt numb inside. My dick lost interest, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.” I rest my head on the table. “I don’t like who I am anymore.” Pain charges up my throat, garbling my next statement. “I don’t like who I am without her.”
“Oh, mate.” Jay squeezes my shoulder. “I can’t believe it’s still her after all this time.”
“It will always be her, Jamie. She is my one and only.” My voice cracks, and it feels like my heart is rupturing behind my rib cage. “I don’t want to live like this. Why can’t I forget her?” I thump on my temples. “Why can’t I get rid of her from here?” All the booze I’ve drunk tonight has exacerbated my emotional state, and I fall apart in front of my best mate. “Why is her face the first face I see every morning when I wake, and why does she still haunt my dreams? Why, Jay? Why?”
“I wish I had the answers, Dillon. I wish I knew how to help.”
“I’m lonely, but I can’t stomach the thought of fucking anyone else. Not anymore. It’s doing nothing for me. It’s only accentuating this ache inside me because none of them are her.” I squeeze my eyes shut against a fresh onslaught of tears. “I love her, but I also hate her though I think I hate myself more.”
“Maybe you just need more time.”
“Maybe I just need a lobotomy,” I semi-joke.
He pulls me into a hug. “It will get better. It’s got to.”
As much as I want to believe in those words, it’s hard to buy into it because after more than four years I’m still every bit as heartbroken as I was the day I lost her.
51
AGE 25 TO 26
Afew months later, I check into rehab. Not for alcohol addiction, like the rumors are suggesting. I probably drink too much, but it’s a choice, not an addiction. I need help but not to stop drinking. My head is still a mess over a woman I haven’t been with in years, a woman who is married and lost to me forever, and it’s starting to impact my career. I’ve had writer’s block for months, and my mood is at an all-time low. It’s time to tackle it with professional help.
The label are surprisingly supportive, deciding to release a mini EP with the tracks we’ve already laid down after I get out of rehab and push the full album out to next year. It takes a lot of pressure off my shoulders, and I’m grateful I can take this time to try to sort myself out.
Ash and Jay lost their baby, and it’s been a difficult time even if they are now engaged and planning their future together. Ro’s girlfriend is pregnant, and while I know my sister is happy for them, it serves as a permanent reminder of all she’s lost. I’ve tried to support and comfort her, but it’s hard to prop someone up when you’re basically sprawling on the ground. Ash has Jamie, and he’ll take care of her while I attempt to fix my head.
Rehab helps, but I’ve come to realize there is no permanent cure. Instead, I’m hoping the tools I’ve learned will help me to cope better in the future. The time away has done me good, and I’m feeling calmer and more in control.
