A pang of longing creeps around my heart as pain mushrooms in my chest. Viv should be here with me. That should be us in the pool, ready to tear our clothes off and get lost in one another. I avert my eyes, drawing air deep into my lungs as I rub a hand over the pain spreading across my chest. I hateI can’t look at my sister’s happiness without being reminded of everything I’ve lost. I’m happy for Ash and Jay, and I loathe feeling like this.
“Good call.” My voice sounds flat to my own ears as I ignore the sounds coming from the pool and follow my little brother.
Tears prick my eyes as I toss and turn in bed, tired, frustrated, heartsick, and fed up of feeling like this. “Ugh.” I throw pillows across the floor before I sit up against the headboard, giving up on sleep because it’s clearly not going to happen tonight. Flicking my bedside lamp on, I scrub my sore eyes and sigh. It’s not getting any easier. It’s been over three months since I last saw her, and the pain is only getting worse.
I don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending everything is okay during the day and falling to pieces at night. As much as I’m loving being in the studio with our new producer and engineer and fucking stoked at how incredible this album is going to sound, it’s only a distraction, not a cure.
I thought I grew up with a void in my heart, but that was nothing compared to the giant gaping hole that is now permanently clawing at my chest.
I need her.
I miss her.
I love her.
Tears come unbidden. I can’t stop them. They just leak out.
Opening my phone, I scroll through my photos of Vivien through blurry eyes as I cry.
The pain is indescribable.
It feels like I’m slowly dying inside without her.
“Dillon.” The voice is accompanied by a light rap.
What’s Jay doing up at four in the morning?Or maybe I don’t want to know.
“I’m awake,” I call out, sniffling and swiping at the moisture under my eyes.
Jamie enters my bedroom, and the door softly shuts behind him. “I was on my way back from getting water when I heard you.” He perches on the edge of my bed, his gaze sad as his eyes drop from my tearstained face to my phone. I don’t even have the energy to shield it from him. “It’s not getting any easier.”
I like that he doesn’t phrase it as a question. I shake my head. “If anything, it’s getting worse.”
“I’m so fucking heartsick for you, mate.” Grasping the back of my head, he presses his forehead to mine. “I never saw it turning out like this. She should be here with you.”
“I fucked up, and now I’m paying the price.” We break apart, and I grab a pack of tissues from my locker and blow my nose.
“Why aren’t you fighting for her?”
“What’s the point? She’s with him.”
“There is no evidence of that. Ash has been stalking both their socials and the general media, and there are no pics, no videos, no sightings of them together.”
“He’s away filming,” I say, confirming I’ve been doing some stalking of my own. It’s a hideous obsession, but I’m like an addict, and I can’t stop. “And her accounts are still inactive. She hasn’t posted anything. She’s not in any of Audrey’s posts either, which is clearly deliberate.”
“That’s explainable after the way the media hounded her last year. It sounds like you’re trying to find excuses instead of tackling this head-on.”
Jay isn’t mincing his words now. “She fucked him the second she returned, Jamie. Given their history, I doubt it was a one-night stand.”
“Jesus. I should slam your head into the wall to knock some sense into you. We don’t know she did that for sure, and even if she did, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s back with him. They might have history, but that was before you.”
“If that’s true, why hasn’t she sought me out? Our signing was reported in the media. We’ve been papped a few times going in and out of the studio. With her connections, she must know I’m in L.A. If she wanted me, it wouldn’t take much to find me.”
“I forgot how stubborn you are. You’re making a lot of big assumptions, Dil. The truth is, you don’t know what she knows. Maybe she’s aware you’re here. Maybe she believes Aoife is here with you. Perhaps she thinks you don’t care because you haven’t looked her up. She doesn’t know you chased after her. There are too many variables, O’Donoghue. The only way to know is to fucking talk to the girl!”
He's talking sense, but fear is holding me back.What if I’m too late? How will I cope if she looks me in the eye and tells me she doesn’t love me anymore?
Air blows out of his mouth. “I know this might seem harsh, but you need a kick up the arse, mate. This isn’t the Dillon O’Donoghue I know. That motherfucker would not let anything stop him from going after what he wants.”
