“You have Jay now. You should always choose him.”
“You’re my brother, Dil. I’ll always have your back.” She kisses my cheek. “I won’t ask you about her again, but I want you to promise you’ll come to me when you have bad days. Let me help. Even if it’s only to give you a hug or make you tea.”
“I’ll try. That’s as much as I can promise.”
46
AGE 20
“This is happening. This is really fucking happening.” It’s hard to remain detached when faced with Ro’s excited tone and ecstatic smile, and I’m grinning alongside Conor and Jamie. Dave—the A&R guy—has just left Whelans. After watching our full set, he hung back to talk to us. He was almost as giddy as my little brother, repeating how much he loves our sound, our look, our story, and how he thinks we’d be a perfect fit. He made a couple of initial calls, and it’s looking like Capitol Records want to sign us.
I’m still in a bit of a daze. It all feels surreal.
“We need to make plans,” Ash says, placing a tray of vodka shots on the table. “Like Dave said, these things take time to line up and nothing is guaranteed until we have a signed contract. But he seems genuinely interested, and I don’t think he’d have said those things if he wasn’t confident he can push this through.”
“I think we should move to L.A. now.” Ro lifts a shot glass in front of him.
“I agree,” Ash says. “We need to get out there and hire a manager pronto. Holiday visas are good for three months, andthat should be enough time to find a manager, sign a contract, and organize long-term visas. I presume the label will help with that.”
“We have the money now to do it. It’s all falling into place.” Jay is grinning as he looks at me. “Thanks to you.” He nudges my shoulder. “We’ll pay you back for everything once the money starts rolling in.”
“Don’t talk daft.” I accept a glass from Ash. “I won this money on the lottery. I told you it’s for the band.” I hate lying, and I’m only able to appease my guilt knowing the money will go toward Toxic Gods’ future. We’ve already bought all new equipment, guitars, and a top-of-the-range drum kit for Ro, and we used some of the funds to pay for studio time to record a few new songs I’ve been working on with Con.
The only good thing about heartbreak is the endless songwriting material. My muse is on fire, and I’m writing nonstop around our other commitments. Music distracts me from thinking about Viv, and I’m immersing myself in the band. Falling into bed exhausted after pulling a long day writing and playing is the only way I can sleep at night. Otherwise, I’m tortured, tossing and turning all night, as everything I’ve fought to avoid during the day haunts me in the silent nighttime hours. My appetite is still nonexistent, and I’m drinking way more than I should, but I’m coping the best I can.
“I know you won’t want to hear this, and don’t rip into me for saying it.” Ro glances nervously at me. “But it’s like you were meant to follow her to L.A. to win that money and help secure our future.”
Without waiting for the others, I knock back my shot and try to avoid looking at my brother so I don’t throttle him.
“Ronan.” Ash’s warning tone shuts him up.
“A toast,” Ash says, handing me another glass. Just as well she bought extra shots. “To Toxic Gods!”
“Toxic Gods!” we chorus before knocking back our drinks.
“I’ve always known you were destined for greatness,” Ash adds, fighting tears. “You’re going to be as big as U2. I just feel it in my bones.”
“Steady on, love. Don’t go putting that kind of pressure on us.” Jamie pulls her down onto his lap. “I’m already shitting it.”
“Same,” I truthfully admit for a whole heap of reasons.
“You’ll be in the same town as her,” Ash bravely volunteers.Didn’t she just warn Ro to keep his gob shut?Honestly, I just can’t with my family sometimes even if I know it’s coming from a good place. “You could go talk to her.”
“Won’t be happening.” I drain the rest of my beer and stand. This conversation ends now. I’ll not have thoughts of Vivien with my prick twin ruining our celebration. “Anyone want anything at the bar?” Con and Ro bob their heads, and I stomp off, ignoring my sister’s question. So much for promising she wouldn’t bring her up. It hasn’t even been a week.
I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. Right now, I’m still devastated at her betrayal, but I don’t know how I’ll feel in time. As much as I want to despise her, I can’t. I love Vivien too much to hate her, and I can’t ignore the part I played in this mess. I know I’m not blameless either.
I miss Vivien so goddamned much. She is so ingrained in every aspect of my life it’s hard to go on without her. I miss her laugh. Her playful teasing. Her incessant chatter as she fills me in on her day when we cook side by side. I miss snuggling with her on the sofa while I pretend to watch a movie. I miss looking out at the pub crowd and seeing her proud face. I miss the feel of her slender arms wrapped tight around me on my bike. I miss counting the tiny freckles on her nose and playing with her hair. I miss the sounds she makes when I’m driving her out of her mind with pleasure. I miss going to sleep beside her and waking up with her limbs all entangled in mine.
At night, I listen to the soundtrack of our summer while I flick through the multitude of photos I have of her on my phone. I usually fall asleep with tears clinging to my lashes. Waking up to an empty bed feels like losing her all over again every morning. Most days, I literally have to drag my lovesick arse out of bed because the temptation to stay under the covers and succumb to my heartache is almost too much to overcome.
My mind replays all the highlights of our time together. Despite my protests to the contrary, I struggle to believe it was all a lie. She loved me. I know she did. The same way I love her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t believe she’s gone. I can’t believe I fucked this up so spectacularly.
“Hey, Dil.” An annoyingly familiar voice yanks me out of my inner monologue as I stand at the bar.
Aoife presses into my side, putting her hand on my arm. “How are you?”
“Never better,” I lie, plastering a fake smile on my mouth as I pry her hand from my arm.
