Athena
“I’m sorry he forced you to do that, Drew.” I don’t know what else to say. Any other words would seem flippant. I know Drew would never have willingly done such things, but telling him he’s not the monster he thinks he is won’t help. He’s entitled to feel what he feels, and I’d be the same in his shoes.
“I wanted to kill myself when I returned to my bedroom. I stayed in the shower for hours, scrubbing at my skin, trying to wash the sin away. I hated myself, and I wanted to murder my father. Instead, I wiped out an entire MC, and it still didn’t purge me of the disgust and guilt and self-loathing I felt.” He looks away, and my heart bleeds for him. “I wish I could say it was the last time it happened, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t just slaves. When we were at Parkhurst, we were expected to fuck the elite women there.”
“And Jane never knew?”
His eyes are glassy when they lift to mine. “How could I tell her? She knew nothing about Parkhurst or that side of the elite. She had no idea of the man she was in love with. I let her love a lie because I was too terrified to lose her. Loving Jane kept me sane. Without her light, I would have succumbed to the dark a long time before I did.”
I want to say it’s not all bad in the dark and trying to suffocate large parts of who you are is never a smart plan, but this isn’t the time, and who am I to tell him he shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what had to be done to survive?
“I was a selfish prick. I should have cut her loose and let her find someone worthy of her love. If I had, she’d be alive today. But I couldn’t let her go. I loved her. I needed her. I needed to be the version of me I was when I was with her. She was so good and pure, and if she knew the monster that was hidden beneath the mask I wore, she would’ve run a million miles away from me. Jane would not have understood the things I did. She would have held me accountable, and she would’ve been right.”
“I don’t agree.” I take his hands in mine. “These hands have done unspeakable things, like my own. I spent many years thinking as you do until I realized I wasn’t to blame. My father was. Our society was. If you’d told me you did those things and you loved it, without any remorse or guilt or shame, I would say, yeah, you’re responsible.” I raise his hands to my mouth and kiss the tips of his fingers. “But you have suffered for the things you were made to do, and you have tried to make amends. It wasn’t always about Jane. Your quest to bring traffickers down was much more than that.”
He bobs his head, and I clutch his hands, holding them against my chest. “I have tried to atone for my sins, but the guilt is always there.” He takes his hands back, running them through his hair. “Jane died having no clue who I really was. She died at the hands of a monster just like me.”
“No.” I stand and push myself in between his thighs, refusing to accept this. “It is not the same. It’s not in any fucking way comparable. As a kid, you became the monster you were forced to be to survive. And later, you became that monster again to wreak vengeance on the true monsters of the world.” I clasp his face in my hands, staring him straight in the eye. “You are a motherfucking hero, Drew Manning, and there is nothing you could tell me that will ever change my mind.”
His lips claim mine in a possessive, greedy kiss as his hands lower to my ass, and he pulls me in close. His hard length pushes against my pussy through my yoga pants, and I’m instantly soaked. This isn’t like any of the nights where we’ve kissed until our jaws ached and fallen asleep wrapped around one another.
This is a different beast.
It’s all raw need and lust, and I want to give in to it, but I can’t.
Two things have to happen before we can go there, and I know it might never happen when that comes to pass.
Reluctantly, I pull back, and my pussy practically weeps.
“Athena,” he growls, grabbing my ass and pulling me back against his body.
“We can’t.” I flatten my hands on his chest to keep distance between us. “I want you. I want you so fucking badly, but there is something I need to tell you first, and it can’t wait.”
I needed a day to process my feelings, but I’m nowhere near ready to handle the myriad of emotions the news has raised to the surface. My eyes well up again. This is going to destroy him and possibly end this thing between us before we’ve even gotten started. But I promised him honesty, and I intend to give it to him.
* * *
“I’m freaking out,” Abby says when our four guests are finally here. I didn’t want to tell Drew without backup because he’ll need it, and I’m not sure he’ll want me to stay when he learns the truth.
“Same,” Demi replies. “What’s going on, Athena?”
“I think we need alcohol for this,” I say, looming over my two new friends as they sit side by side on the couch in Drew’s living room. I’m nervous, and I’m sure everyone can see my hands shaking.
“Hey.” Drew places his hands on my shoulders. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”
Tears pool in my eyes. “I’m so scared you’re going to hate me,” I whisper.
“That’s impossible.” He pulls me into his arms, and I willingly soak up his comfort, savoring the feel of his muscular arms protecting me in case it’s the last time I get to feel this.
For the millionth time, I curse my father and vow to make him pay for all the heartache he’s about to cause.
“I’ve never hated you even when I led you to believe I did.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” I murmur pressing my lips to one side of his face. I ease out of his arms and pull my big girl panties on. I’m making this all about me, which isn’t fair.
He kisses me in front of his sister, his cousin, and their husbands—his best friends—and my heart rejoices while equally splitting down the middle.
“Stay here,” he says when he breaks our lip-lock. “I’ll get wine and beer from the fridge.” He pecks my lips one more time, trying to reassure me with his eyes, but I see fear there.
