“I have Spotify. Knock yourself out.”
Arlo selects one of Eminem’s albums, and we don’t talk as we eat, none of us overly hungry but making an effort to get some food down.
After we finish eating, I make peppermint tea at the tea and coffee station in the room, and then Arlo says he’s going to bed.
I give him a few minutes to get settled in bed before I knock on his door and slip inside. He’s lying on his side under the covers, curled up in the fetal position, staring out the window through the open curtains. I perch on the edge of his bed and brush hair back from his face. “I’m here for you.”
“I know,” he whispers, clutching my hand.
“Want me to sleep in here with you tonight?”
“I’m not a little kid anymore.”
“I know, Arlo. I’m not offering because I think you’re a child. I’m offering because you’ve been through some pretty heavy stuff today, and if it was me, I’d welcome your comfort. I want you to lean on me, but I won’t force you. If you’d rather be alone, that’s fine too.”
He twists his head and looks up at me. “I don’t know how to feel, Thena.” Tears shine in his eyes. “One minute, I’m numb, like I feel nothing, and then it all hits me like a freight train, and it feels like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe.”
I rub his shoulders. “That’s totally normal. You’ve been through a huge ordeal, and you’re in shock. It’s going to take time to process your feelings, but how you feel is never wrong.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” he whispers, and I lean down and hug him.
“I know who you are. You’re the best little brother and one of the coolest guys ever. You’re one of the good guys, Arlo. Don’t let what happened today change that.”
“I killed my father.” He sniffles. “The man I thought was my father,” he corrects. “I heard the things he said. He was a monster. I should feel good about ending him, so why do I feel guilty?”
“Because you’re a good person forced to do something you never should’ve had to do. We were going to take care of it because we didn’t want you to have to handle this.”
“I didn’t make a conscious decision to do it,” he explains, flopping onto his back and staring at the ceiling as he talks. “I stole a gun and gave those guys the slip on purpose so I could sneak back in and find out what was going on. I knew it was some serious shit, like I knew you’d try to protect me from it. I never guessed it was anything like that. I was upset at first, and then I got so mad when I heard the way he was speaking to you and talking about my birth mom and abouthim.” He pauses for a second. “My real dad.” His eyes flit to mine. “I saw him killing the gold digger, and I was cheering him on. I wanted to be at his side, sliding that knife between her ribs and soaking in her blood. Still think I’m one of the good guys now?”
“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “There are different shades of good and bad, and I know what’s in your heart, Arlo. It’s pure, just like your mom’s was.”
“You knew her?”
“Only briefly.” I run my fingers through his hair. “You get your hair from her too. She was a sweetheart, and she already loved you so much.”
“I hate Amos,” he snarls. “I’m not sorry I killed him. I’m only sorry he didn’t suffer more.” He turns on his side, facing away from me.
“I’ll get changed and come sleep with you.”
“I want to sleep alone,” he says. “I don’t need to be babied.”
I want to protest, but I don’t want to start an argument. “If you change your mind or you need me during the night call out for me.”
He doesn’t reply, and my heart bleeds. “Goodnight, Arlo. I love you.”
I’m closing the door when he says it back.
“I fear he’s too much like me,” Drew whispers from just behind me, and I almost jump out of my skin.
I swat his chest. “What have I told you about creeping up on people like that?!”
“Sorry not sorry.”
I roll my eyes, taking his hand and dragging him away from the door. “At least you’re not denying it this time.”
“You left the door open a little, and eavesdropping was too tempting. I feel so useless. I want to help but I don’t know how.”
“You need to give him time. He’s guarded even with me, and you’re still a stranger.” I run my fingers through the stubble on his cheeks. “He’s in for a rough time, Drew, and I don’t know how this is going to manifest. Being a teenager is fucking hard without going through something as traumatic as this.”
