“I had a job interview at one of the big investment banks.”
I arch a brow, surprised to hear that. “I thought you guys were job hunting in Portland and Vermont?” Ellen doesn’t talk much about her relationship with Will anymore, for obvious reasons, but I know they’re serious, and they’re looking to stay together after they graduate in May. She said they were looking for work near either of their families, so I’m surprised he’s interviewing in Seattle.
“We are. We’re just keeping our options open.”
A light bulb goes off. “You’re considering moving here so you’re closer to Garrick.”
“Yes.”
I gulp back my coffee, not sure how I feel about that. I’m already avoiding Ivy around the hospital. Adding Will to that list will be an additional complication, especially because of Ellen.
The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, and I knock back my drink, eager to finish and get out of here.
“I’m so sorry, Stevie.” Will’s eyes penetrate mine. “The things I said to you that day at the hospital were unforgivable.”
I open my mouth to protest, but he shakes his head, cutting me off before a word has left my lips. “Please let me get this out before you say anything.”
A lump rises in my throat. “Go on.”
“I was hurting and angry, and I said some cruel things which were unfair. Garrick would be so disappointed in me. For blaming you and for disappearing from your life. I should have been there for you, and I wasn’t.” His eyes rake over me again, and I hate the pity I see in his gaze. “I feel huge guilt and remorse for abandoning you.”
“I have Hudson. He checks in with me regularly.” I would be lost without Garrick’s childhood best friend. I only wish he was here and not at Brown, so we could meet in person, but our weekly phone calls are something I look forward to. He’s my only connection to Garrick besides Dawn, Hugh, and the twins. I need them to feel close to my boyfriend at times when it’s so hard to look at the man in the bed and remember him how he was. “You have nothing to feel guilty about,” I say. “And I hold no ill will toward you.”
“We’ll agree to disagree.”
“You spoke the truth, Will, and I haven’t resented you for it for a single minute. You said what others were thinking. What I was thinking.” I rub a hand across my chest as if it will ease the permanent tightness there. “I made so many mistakes, and Garrick has paid the price. I hate myself more than anyone else ever could, so don’t feel bad about what you said or what you have done. You’ve always been a good friend to him.”
“It hurts me to hear you say that, Stevie, knowing I contributed to that point of view. Ellen was right all along. It was a tragic accident. You know how much Garrick believes in fate.”
There’s that damned f-word again.
I slam my hand down on the table, rattling our mugs and drawing a few wary glances from neighboring patrons. “Do not tell me Garrick ending up in a coma is fate!”
“It’s what he would believe. If he was here, he’d say maybe that wouldn’t have been his fate if you’d accepted the car and he wasn’t driving the CR-V that day. But fate would have come for him in a different way.”
“Stop,” I rasp, horrified at what I’m hearing. “If this is your way of trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.”
“What I’m trying to say is, we don’t know why these things happen.”
“We do! We know! It’s because I wouldn’t let him give me such a generous gift. It’s because I refused to even test-drive the BMW. Garrick was driving my car that day because of me.”
Sympathy splays across his face, and I hate it. “Garrick was driving your car that day because he insisted on being behind the wheel. He made the choice to drive, not you. Have you ever stopped to think about that?”
“Of course, I have.” Touching the tattoo on my wrist, I drag my fingers back and forth across the ink.
Will’s gaze lowers to the poppy ring on my wedding finger, and tears well in his eyes.
“That was my fault too,” I continue. “I should have refused to let him drive. If I’d been behind the wheel, I’d be the one in a coma and he’d be the one living his life.”
“It doesn’t look like you’re truly living.”
“Are you done insulting my life and my intelligence?” My cold tone rips through the tense air as I grab my coat from the back of the chair and slip my arms into it. “You have a very warped view of apologies, Will. Is Ellen aware?”
“Don’t leave like this.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “I’m not very good with this stuff, and honestly, I’m ashamed of myself, Stevie. If my words have caused you to blame yourself, I am so fucking sorry. I was wrong. I was really fucking wrong. Please stop blaming yourself. Stop taking it out on yourself. Garrick would hate to see you like this.”
I stand abruptly, uncaring my chair falls to the ground with a loud thud. I am beyond enraged. “You don’t get to judge me, Will. I am doing the best I can in the worst of situations. My boyfriend has been lying in a hospital bed for over eight months, in a coma, because ofme.” I thump a hand over my heart. “Most days, it’s a struggle to get out of bed, but I do it. For my family and for him. Because I know Garrick would want me to live my best life. I am trying really hard, but it’s challenging when I’m disgusted with my actions and appalled at the person I am. And it’s difficult because I miss him so much.”
Pain spears me through the chest as physical longing tears through me. “I miss his protective arms around me and the feel of his lips worshiping mine. I miss his laugh and all the fun we used to have together. I miss his gorgeous eyes and those dimples that used to drive me crazy. I miss the way he always saw so much good in others and in situations. I miss watching him strumming his guitar and listening to his husky voice as he sang to me. I miss him twirling me around the kitchen to The Carpenters.”
