Sorrow is etched across Mom’s face as she clasps my hand in her warm one. Moisture pools in her tired eyes, and dark circles cling to the skin underneath. “Garrick is a fighter, and I know he’s fighting to come back to you. He has the best doctors working on his case, and he has youth on his side. We have to cling to hope and keep the faith.”
“What if he doesn’t ever wake up?” I wail.
“Don’t think like that. It’s early, and there is still hope. A coma is the brain’s way of repairing itself after significant trauma. His brain and body are taking the time they need to heal, and when he’s ready, he’ll wake up.”
I wish I had Mom’s optimism. I know she fully believes if she says it enough she’ll manifest it. But I’m a more pragmatic being, and I need more than hope and faith to cling to.
I will never forgive myself for this, and if he doesn’t wake up, I don’t want to live.
“It’s my fault,” I choke out as tears cascade down my cheeks. “This is all on me, and I hate myself.”
“It was an accident, honey. A tragic accident. You have to stop hating yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.”
I shake my head, crying out when pain splinters my skull.
“Shush, sweetheart.” Mom carefully brushes hair back from my brow. “You need to remain calm, Stevie, and you can’t make any sudden movements. You have a concussion, a broken arm, and two broken ribs.”
“I need to see him.”
“Only family is permitted in ICU for now, but Hugh is working on getting you in to visit him.” She kisses my cheek. “Hugh and Dawn have stopped by every day to see you, and Hugh even arranged for you to be transferred to this private room.”
“How long have I been out?” I ask as Mom lifts a pink plastic cup with a lid and straw from my bedside table.
“It’s been two days since the accident,” she confirms, pressing a button on the bed to elevate it until I’m in a more upright position. “The nurses say it’s important for you to drink plenty of water, or I can get you some ice chips if your throat is too sore.” She places the straw to my lips. “Just small sips for now.”
I take a few sips as Mom holds the cup and straw to my mouth. When she sets it back on the bedside table, I turn my head to stare at her. Dried tear tracks tighten the skin on my face. “How bad are Garrick’s injuries?”
She rests her hand on mine while peering deep into my eyes. “He broke one arm, both legs, and three ribs, but the damage to his spine and his head trauma are the most concerning injuries. He seems to have borne the brunt of the initial impact.” Tears pool in her eyes. “You are so lucky you weren’t more seriously injured.” She swipes at the tears coursing down her cheeks. “The terror I felt when I got that phone call will stay with me for the rest of my life. Nana and I were so worried. Scared of what we’d find when we got here. We prayed nonstop the entire ride to the hospital, begging God to let you be okay.”
“Was anyone else hurt?” I brave asking.
“One male driver has whiplash and a concussion, and a couple of other people were taken to the hospital to be checked out, but they only have minor injuries. You two suffered the most severe damage.”
A pregnant pause ensues as I let that intel settle in my tormented brain. “Where am I?” I ask, realizing I don’t know which hospital I’m in.
“You’re at UW Medical Center – Montlake, and you are both in the best hands.”
“Garrick bought me a car, and I refused it.” A sob erupts from my lips as more tears spring to my eyes.
“I know, honey. Ellen explained. But that doesn’t mean this is your fault. It was an accident. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Ellen was here?”
“She came immediately when she heard the news, and she stayed here all day yesterday. Hadley too. I made them leave last night. I knew you wouldn’t want either of them missing their exams, and before you panic, I have spoken with UO, and they’ll let you take your exams over the summer break, whenever you feel ready, so you don’t need to worry about that.”
Right now, that’s the least of my worries. “Garrick wouldn’t be in a coma if I’d said yes to the car. Even if I’d just agreed to drive it without making a commitment, like he suggested, this wouldn’t have happened.” Anguished sobs rip through the air as I cry. “Why did I have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t I have just accepted it? Why am I so selfish and stupid?” Pain spears me all over, and I’m choking on air as I struggle to breathe. “I want to die!” I howl. “I want to trade my life for his because he doesn’t deserve this, but I do!”
“No, honey. Don’t say that. Neither of you deserve what happened.” Mom perches on the side of my bed, wrapping me in a gentle embrace, holding me tenderly against her chest as I cry and cry, soaking her blouse and making my eyes sting. Her tears mingle with mine for a few minutes before she pulls herself together. “Honey, please, you need to calm down. The best thing you can do for Garrick is to get better so you can be there for him. He wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. You didn’t know the brakes would fail. It’s not your fault. It was a terrible, terrible accident.”
The door opens and closes, and Mom briefly glances over her shoulder, getting rid of whomever it is with a look of silent communication. “Garrick will need you to be strong for the both of you,” she adds, softly stroking my hair. “And you need to prioritize your recovery.”
“How long do I have to be here?” I ask when I finally stop crying, looking up at her through bloodshot throbbing eyes. My head is killing me, and I ache all over. It seems there is no part of me that isn’t sore. My gaze treks over the multitude of bruises covering my arms, and I’m glad I’m suffering. I deserve every bit of pain I’m feeling and more.
“They want to keep you under observation for another few days, but you should be able to go home by the weekend.” She dots kisses into my hair. “You’re going to need a lot of rest, but we’ll make sure you get to visit Garrick every day.”
“Where is Nana?”
“I sent her home to get some sleep. She was exhausted.” Mom kisses my head one final time before releasing me. “You should try to sleep more too. Your body needs it to heal.”
