“I know, and it’s cool.”
“Is it?” Her troubled eyes probe mine. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but sometimes, it feels like we’re on a high-speed train, and you’re up there in the driver’s cabin, screaming at him to go faster and faster, impatient to get to the destination, while I’m begging him to slow down so I can enjoy the scenery and savor every place we pass.”
“Is it wrong I love you so much I want to marry you sooner than later?”
“It’s not wrong to feel how you feel.”
“But you don’t feel it in the same way I do.”
“I’m not saying that.”
“Then what are you saying?” My tone is harsher than I intended, but hurt is mushrooming inside me. I wanted to give her something that was as thoughtful as the gift she gave me, but I seem to have completely misjudged the situation. “I’ll take it back,” I snap, reaching for her finger.
“Garrick, please.” Tears well in her eyes, and her voice cracks. She whips her hand away. “I don’t want you to take it back. I love it, but I want to ensure you’re not reading too much into this. I’m not ready to get married, Garrick, and sometimes, it feels like you’re smothering me.”
I can scarcely breathe over the lump in my throat or the tight pain spreading across my chest. “I just want to love you.” I scramble to my feet. “Why do you make that so hard?”
ChapterThirty-Three
Stevie
“Talk to me,” Nana says, resting her wrinkled palm on top of mine as we sit on the wooden bench outside. Classic Carpenters hits trickle out of the open glass double doors behind us as Garrick dances with Dawn. The twins are in the game room, playing their new Xboxes while Mom and Hugh sit at the kitchen table, chatting and drinking wine, as Garrick swirls his stepmom around the tile floor.
It’s super sweet and a timely reminder of how good a guy my boyfriend is. The heightened emotion, mixed with obvious tension between Garrick and me threatened to break me apart. So, I fled to the safety of the patio, bundled in my coat, staring out at the blanket of trees curtaining the rear of Garrick’s family home in North Bend, lamenting my insensitivity and wondering if there are critical cells missing from my brain.
“I hurt his feelings,” I croak, “and I ruined Christmas for both of us, and I hate myself for it.”
“Shush now, Little Poppy. Nothing was ruined. We had a lovely dinner, with lots of laugher and delicious wine, and the night is far from over.”
“Why am I like this, Nana?” I turn to face her. “What is wrong with me?”
“There is nothing wrong with you, honey.” Her eyes drift to the gorgeous ring nestled on the ring finger of my right hand.
Garrick’s frosty gaze this morning when he noticed I’d changed it to my other hand could have cut glass. When I explained how everyone would jump to conclusions if I wore it on my left hand, he merely nodded and left the room.
“Is it something to do with this ring?” she asks, always uncannily observant.
“Yes.” I fill her in briefly, careful to keep my voice low in case any of our conversation carries inside. “I should have waited to say anything, but we made promises to one another to always be truthful, and honestly, the intensity of his feelings for me, and the certainty he possesses about our relationship, really scares the shit out of me at times.”
“You can’t help how you feel any more than Garrick can.” She cups my face. “You are mature beyond your years, Stevie, in so many ways.”
“Except when it comes to love.” I beat her to the punchline.
Nana’s soft smile and loving gaze ghost over me. “I’m proud of you for knowing what you want and always prioritizing it. You should never beat yourself up over speaking your mind and sharing your truths. It is better to openly communicate instead of keeping things locked up inside. Perhaps compromise and a little sensitivity in relation to the timing of conversations might be something to work on.”
“You’re right. I should not have expressed those thoughts last night. He tried to do something romantic for me, and I trampled all over it with my words, and I hurt him. Maybe I’m too blunt. I need to stop and think before I open my mouth. I love Garrick. I truly do, but he wants to drive a thousand miles an hour and I can’t keep up.”
“You’re both still so young, and you have your whole lives ahead of you. Now is the time to have fun and not worry about the consequences.” She tucks a wayward piece of my hair behind my ear. “You’re both intense in different ways.”
“Is that a good or a bad thing?”
“It is neither good nor bad. It is what it is.” Her papery lips kiss my brow. “We can’t predict what is around the corner, and I personally believe one shouldn’t spend too long trying to. Live in the moment is my motto. And what is meant to be is what will transpire.”
“Am I interrupting?” Garrick asks, standing awkwardly behind us with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his black pants.
“Never, sweetheart.” Nana rises stiffly to her feet, and Garrick offers her his hand. She grips on to him with an affectionate smile. “There are so few gentlemen left in this world, Garrick, but you are one of life’s rare treasures.”
The look on his face conveys how much those words mean to him, and I couldn’t love Nana any more than I do in this moment. Her words were not solely for him either, and I see what she’s doing.
