Stevie
Something resembling pleasure tugs the corners of my lips as I pass the sign for North Bend. I’m reluctant to call it happiness because I’ve forgotten what that feels like. I’m glad Garrick is at his father’s place now, and I hope it will help improve his mood. The past month, while we waited for arrangements to be made to relocate Garrick and get the power of attorney overruled, have been stressful to say the least. Thankfully, he hasn’t brought up sex or the whole friends with benefits suggestion again, but he’s not happy I’m job hunting, and he continues referring to things as if we’re still a couple.
I broke into my savings account to go see Ramona. Mom and Hadley have been pushing me to start breaking away from Garrick, and they think this is the perfect opportunity because he’s in a supportive environment now, and his dad and Dawn will take good care of him.
Ramona agrees. She’s worried because my moods are still dark, I’m not sleeping great, and my weight has dropped again. I’m just finding it hard to care about much these days. It’s been over four months since I last saw Beck, and I miss him so much. I’m only a shell of the person I used to be without the other half of my heart and soul. I miss the life we shared, and I wish I could go back and pick him.
There. I said it.
The queen of selfishness is back in the house.
I was a fool, and I lost the best thing to ever happen to me. Beck was right to give me an ultimatum, and I should have chosen him. I wanted to, but that doesn’t count. I’m sure he feels like I abandoned him when he needed me, but it wasn’t the truth. I just didn’t see, at the time, how I could walk away from Garrick, but I should have.
It would have been best for everyone.
Hadley wants me to fight for him, but how do you fight for someone who no longer wants you? Beck didn’t fight for me. He let me go, and that speaks volumes.
Ramona wants me to go back on antidepressants, but I don’t want to. I was on them for six weeks for depression and anxiety; however, I’m convinced they exacerbated my anxiety and contributed to my insomnia, and I’m reluctant to try them again. Perhaps the brand didn’t agree with me or I’m allergic or something because Ramona says it’s rare any of her clients complain of such side effects with SSRIs. But I know how I felt on them, and it wasn’t good, so I have zero desire to start taking them again. I know antidepressants help a lot of people, and I’m not knocking anyone who takes them. You do you, blah, blah. But they’re not the solution for me.
Now, I veer between bouts of insomnia and nights where I sleep for ten or twelve hours without interruption. There is no norm, and I never know what kind of night I’m in for when I climb into bed. I keep sleeping pills for the bad nights when I can’t switch my brain off and my thoughts linger on Beck. Those nights, I cry into my pillow with a constant pain in my heart. I’m loath to take the pills too regularly in case I become dependent. Life is plenty shit right now without being addicted to medication.
I park the Land Rover and hop out, hugging John and Jacob as they fly past and climb into their dad’s truck. Hugh waves as he drives off with the twins, and I head to the front door where Dawn waits for me. “Hey, sweetie.” She pulls me into a bear hug. “Come on in. How is the job hunting going?”
“Not great, but I’ve decided to take Mom up on her offer. I’m going to become her partner and manage the store and the farm. She’s open to my new business ideas, and it’ll give me something to focus on. I’m also going to move into Nana’s house and start remodeling it.” This is the plan Ramona and I came up with. I need to keep busy, and this way, I can also focus on properly healing because Mom and I are going to split shifts so neither of us are working full weeks. That way, she’ll have time to travel to Florida to meet Sean, and I’ll have time for therapy and self-love.
I wonder what my dad would think about Mom dating his younger brother. Of course, Liam isn’t here to pass judgment, but I’d like to think he’s happy for them. It’s only early days, but I have a good feeling about this relationship. I really like Sean. I like all my dad’s family though I haven’t had a ton of time to spend with them.
“That’s wonderful, Stevie. You need to take better care of you. I know your mom’s worried about you.” At one time, Mom and Dawn were close, but they’ve drifted apart since the accident. Mom said it was hard spending time with Dawn because she felt guilty her daughter emerged from the accident while Dawn’s stepson was in a coma. And then I was with Beck, and it might have gotten awkward. They still talk occasionally, but it’s not often and usually about me. Case in point.
“I’m trying. It’s been hard.”
“I know.” She hugs me again before pulling back. “Look, I need to warn you he’s not in the best of spirits.”
What’s new.
I immediately chastise myself for my uncharitable thought.
Sometimes it’s hard to stick to the conviction Garrick still isn’t himself because he doesn’t seem to get as angry or lash out as much at Hudson, and he is all smiles for Helena. Ramona asked me if I think he’s punishing me for the accident, and the more I think about it, the more I think he is. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing. Garrick was never cruel. He was always so kind and thoughtful, so I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. And honestly, I don’t blame him.
It's why I think it’s best if I start gradually breaking away. This moment was always inevitable. He needs to live his life independently of me, and I can’t fully heal until I break ties. These past few months have proven we can’t be friends. It’s making both of us miserable. I just need to convince Garrick this is the right move, and that won’t be easy.
“Sorry, I got sidetracked,” I say when I come out of my head and realize Dawn has been talking to me. “You said he’s not in the best of moods. Did something happen?”
“It looks like his bed got damaged during the move. He was uncomfortable last night, but instead of pressing the button for the night nurse, he tried to fix it himself, and he ended up falling out of the bed and hitting his head off the side of his bedside table. He’s been checked out, and there’s no serious damage, apart from a goose egg on his brow, a gash on his cheek, and a bruised ego.”
“He wants to be independent, and he hates relying on others to do so much for him.”
“It’s been a big adjustment, but we’re amazed at his progress.”
They haven’t seen him in months, so I’m sure they’ve noticed big changes.
“He’s doing so well,” she continues, “and he needs to give himself more credit and be a little more patient.”
“Hopefully, now he’s home, it’ll be easier.”
“We will do everything in our power to ensure it.”
Dawn walks me to the remodeled dining room on the ground floor which is now a luxurious suite for Garrick. It faces over the lake and mountains at the rear and it’s a stunning view to wake up to.
