“Terrible.” Tears flood my eyes, and I angrily swipe at them. “It feels like I’ve regressed two years, and I’m crying at the drop of a hat again. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.”
“You’re not. You’re under a huge amount of stress, and you’ve got to cut yourself some slack.”
“I’m going to lose him,” I admit before gulping back hot coffee. I purposely asked for a black coffee because it tastes as bitter as my soul feels these days.
“No defeatist attitude, Opium Poppy. Beck loves you. It’s natural he’s sullen, but he won’t leave you.”
“You didn’t see him when I told him what Garrick said.” Beck looked like he was going to throw up when I told him how Garrick called me his.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have told him everything.”
“I’m not going to lie to him, Hads. I might as well kiss my relationship goodbye if I start concealing things.” I exhale heavily, grateful for a reprieve when the waitress appears with our lunch.
I pick at my salad, forcing a few mouthfuls down my throat, purely to keep Hadley off my case.
“We haven’t had sex since Garrick woke,” I blurt, needing to get it off my chest.
Hadley puts her fork down and stares at me with her serious face. “Why not?”
My lower lip wobbles. “I want to. I crave Beck’s touch. I miss it so much, but every time he initiates anything, I flinch.” Tears roll down my cheeks, and I don’t even care that people are staring at me. “It feels like I’m betraying Garrick all over again, and I’m hurting Beck. The look on his face every time kills me. I’m a horrible girlfriend, and I deserve to lose him.” I sob, pushing my salad away and burying my head in my hands.
“Can we have the check?” I hear Hadley ask a few seconds later while I cry. I can’t plug my tear ducts even though I know I’m embarrassing myself in public.
My bestie takes charge, calling both our jobs and clearing our afternoons. Then she calls Mom—telling her we’re on our way—and Beck—explaining I’m staying in Ravenna tonight. She recommends he goes out with Law to let off some steam.
I’m aware of all this going on around me, but I’m not an active participant.
Mom is waiting for us at her house when we arrive. She takes one look at me and grabs me into a motherly hug, and I fall apart, clinging to the familiarity of her embrace and her soothing words.
After a few hours, when I’ve finally stopped crying and I’m somewhat coherent, I cuddle on the couch with Mom as Hadley calls for takeout. When she returns, she hands me a tumbler of whisky. “You need it.”
“Thanks.” I take a sip, and the familiar burn helps to ground me. “I’m sorry for falling apart.”
“It’s no surprise,” Mom says, sweeping my hair over my shoulders. “This is all too much, and I should have intervened sooner, but I didn’t want to interfere in your relationship or tell you what to do.”
“I don’t know what to do, Mom. That’s the problem. No matter what action I take, what decision I make, I’m hurting one of them.”
Mom gently clasps my face, forcing my gaze to hers. “Who do you love, Stevie?”
“I love Beck, but I still have love in my heart for Garrick too.”
“Who is your soul mate?” Hadley asks. “Who do you see a future with?”
“Beck,” I say without hesitation. “It’s Beck.”
“Then I think you need to walk away from Garrick, sweetheart,” Mom says.
“I can’t. I can’t be selfish. I’m the reason he’s in this condition, and if he needs me, I’m not abandoning him.” I knock back a mouthful of whisky, hoping we have a full bottle because I need to drown out everything going through my head. Lack of sleep, food, and the agonizing, conflicting thoughts circling round and round in my head are driving me insane. It feels like I’m losing my mind, and I need to blot it all out.
“Even if you lose Beck?” Mom asks. I’ve already had this conversation with my therapist, and it didn’t help.
“I don’t want to lose him, but how do I abandon a man who’s in a wheelchair because of me?” My gaze bounces between them. “How do I abandon a man who looks me in the eyes and says he needs me, and loves me, and I’m still his?” Air gushes out of my mouth. “I cannot be that heartless. I cannot walk away and leave him to deal with the aftermath of the accident I caused.”
Mom and Hadley exchange troubled looks.
“Yes, I know. I’m regressing and letting guilt consume me again. You don’t need to say it. Ramona already did.”
“Sweetie, I’m really worried about you.” Mom strokes a hand up and down my back. “Why don’t you and Beck go away for a weekend somewhere and try to destress? It sounds like you both need it.”
