“That is a horrible way to lose your mother. I’m so sorry, Beck.” I squeeze him in a bear hug.
He kisses the top of my head. “I would like to take you to Mom’s grave. To formally introduce you.”
“I’d like that, and we can visit my father’s grave in the military graveyard too. So I can meet him and formally introduce you.”
“Are we really doing this?”
“We are.” Confidence imbues my tone, and I’m speaking from the heart. “I’d like a little time to say a proper goodbye to Garrick, and there are a few things I need to do, but yes, I want this with you. I love you, and I want us to be a proper couple.”
“I want that more than anything because you mean everything to me, Stevie. You’re my entire world.”
* * *
I don’t see Beck at all the rest of the week and into the next, but we stay in constant contact by text. I make a point of telling him I love him every day because I don’t want him to doubt my feelings. He’s working on a tight deadline, so it suits anyway. I cook up some meals, along with some cookies and cupcakes, and get a courier to deliver them to him. Beck tends to not eat when he’s close to his deadline, because he writes around the clock, so I want to ensure he’s getting some sustenance.
Mom and I clear Nana’s house with Hadley’s help. Lots of tears flow and a few bottles of wine are consumed, but we get through it. Nana would want us to be strong and to not wallow. My emotions seesaw from one day to the next, and I know it’s going to take time to come to terms with the fact I won’t ever see her again. I miss her so much. Some days, the grief is so intense I can barely function. But I keep myself busy. I have a few extra sessions with Ramona, and I plan a visit with Dawn and Hugh, and Hudson, for the weekend.
On Friday night, Hadley cancels her weekly date with Mike to stay home with me as I box up Garrick’s things. “Drink this.” Hadley hands me a whisky. “There’s no way we’re doing this sober.”
“Thanks.” I take the drink and knock back a healthy mouthful. “I didn’t realize I had accumulated so many mementos.” I remove old game, movie, and concert tickets from the bulletin board in my room and stash them carefully in a storage box along with some of Garrick’s T-shirts, one of his UO sweaters, our boudoir photographs, and all the memorabilia from our trip to Cyprus.
“You fit a lot into a year.” Hadley looks sad as she unpins photos from the bulletin board and adds them to the box.
“This hurts,” I admit, doing a sweep of my room for anything I might have missed.
“It’s hurting me, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.”
“It’s painful, but it’s right. I am moving on. Garrick will always have a special place in my heart, but Beck owns it now. It’s not fair to him to cling to any part of my past relationship.”
“I’m proud of you, Stevie.” Hadley bundles me into a bear hug. “What you have endured is not easy, but you’ve done it with grace and humility.”
“I have tried my best.”
“No one could argue you haven’t.”
I pick up the framed picture of Garrick and me by my bed with a heavy heart. It was taken at one of his gigs at The End Zone. His arms are wrapped around me from behind, and I’m staring up at him. We’re both smiling, and it’s clear to see we’re in love. I’ve always adored this picture, and it gave me strength in those early days when I didn’t think I’d survive the aftermath of the accident and the severe emotional trauma I was suffocating under.
Tears roll down my cheeks unbidden, and I sob. Hadley holds me close as I hug the picture to my chest and expunge the last of my grief. When my sobs finally subside, Hadley passes me some tissues, and I scrub my hands down my face before mopping up my tears.
I trail my finger along his handsome profile in the picture. “Goodbye, my love. I will never forget you.” I kiss his face through the glass, almost choking over another sob as I carefully set the picture down on the top of the box.
Hadley pops the lid on and carries it into my closet, sliding it on the bottom shelf where I made space for it.
“Anything else?” she inquires when she comes out.
I hold up my phone as I get off the bed. “I need to archive the photos and videos on my phone, but I need more whisky for that.”
Sitting side by side on the couch, we demolish a few more glasses of whisky, both of us crying as we scroll through my photos, song lists, and videos. Most of my videos are from Garrick’s gigs. I can’t watch after the first few because it hurts too much to hear his husky voice and see the love in his eyes when he looks out over the crowd at me. Watching him in his element, with his talent on showcase, makes the anger rush to the surface again. How could God do this to someone so amazing? Life isn’t fair.
I send everything to a folder in the cloud and then wipe them from my phone. Unclasping the locket from around my neck, I set it on the coffee table and then stare at the poppy ring on my hand for ages before I pluck up the courage to remove it. Hadley holds me as I sob, coming with me to my closet and helping me add the jewelry to the stash of Garrick mementos.
More tears stream from my eyes as I put the lid back on the box and close that chapter of my life.
ChapterSeventy-One
Stevie
The following day, I go to visit Hugh and Dawn. Mom told me I didn’t need to do this, but I want to. They have always been so kind to me, and I’d hate for them to hear this from anyone but me.
