Hadley agrees to a walk, and after we demolish a few chocolates—agreeing we’ll burn off the calories at the park—we get changed into training tops, yoga pants, and sneakers, grab our water bottles, and set out in the direction of Daejeon Park. We don’t talk much as we navigate the International District, en route to the park, content to absorb the atmosphere of a busy Saturday as we walk past familiar haunts.
A sense of calmness settles in my bones when we reach the park. It’s named after Seattle’s sister city in Korea, and it has a Korean style pagoda, plenty of open space, landscaped lawns, and several walking paths.
“Spill it, sister,” Hadley says after a couple of miles when we’ve hit a good stride. “I know you have lots weighing on you, and I can practically hear the wheels churning in your mind.”
“What if she does it?” I ask, glancing sideways at her as we power walk through the park. “What if Ivy finds a way to ban me from Garrick? What will I do then?”
“You have Hugh and Dawn on your side. They know how much you mean to Garrick. How important you are to his recovery. They’ll fight the bitch. And you have Beck. It sounds like he’s a powerful ally to have.”
“I really don’t want to drag Beck into this. He’s got enough on his plate.”
“I like him,” she proclaims, dodging out of the way of a little kid on a kiddie bike. “He cares about you.”
I groan. “Did my mom put you up to this?”
She frowns. “Put me up to what?”
“Nothing,” I mumble, smiling at an older couple as they walk past us hand in hand.
“What he did today was super sweet.” She bites on the corner of her lip.
“Just say it.” I swing my arms more vigorously and push my legs to their limits.
“He reminded me of Garrick. It’s like something he would do.”
A knot forms in my throat. “I know,” I whisper. “It’s the first thought that entered my mind too, which is wrong on several levels.”
“Because we shouldn’t compare them. Beck is his own person like Garrick is, and your relationships with both are very different.” Hadley verbalizes my thoughts perfectly.
“Yeah, that.”
“It’s okay to be friends with him,” she adds, panting a little. “Can we slow down a bit? Not all of us have supercharged limbs you know.”
“Sorry.” I deliberately slow my strides. “I’m extra tense today.”
“I noticed, and it’s understandable. It’s natural to feel that way. Your situation is extremely stressful, and you never slack off. It’s okay to take time out for you, you know.”
Our pace slows even farther as we fall into a more casual walking stride. “I didn’t visit him this morning, and I feel so guilty.”
“You shouldn’t. You’re the most dedicated girlfriend on the planet. It’s fine if you can’t handle it some days. Garrick would never fault you for it. None of us would. You can’t be there for him if you aren’t taking care of yourself. You need to prioritizeyoumore.”
We come to an empty bench, and I drop down onto it. We take a breather and drink our water, watching people stroll past us. “What if he never wakes up, Hads?” My voice cracks as I look sideways at my friend. “What will I do? How will I ever get over it?”
“It’s a possibility, babe.” She places her hand over mine. “I’m glad you are voicing this. It’s not giving up on him to discuss all the possible outcomes. You need to be prepared, and I’ve been worried. You’re refusing to think about all the what-ifs. You can’t compartmentalize or live in denial forever. You are strong enough to face whatever happens next. There is no one stronger.”
“I don’t feel strong, Hads. I feel weak and powerless and directionless. My life is in limbo. It feels so selfish to articulate that when Garrick’s life is in limbo through no fault of his own.”
“You’re entitled to your feelings, Stevie. You can’t help how you feel, and you have every right to be pissed off and frustrated foryou. Not everything is about him. It’s not selfish to be angry foryou. You found this amazing guy. You fell in love for the first time. You were planning a future, and then bam! It was all taken out from under you. That’s a lot to handle for anyone.”
My heart pounds against my rib cage as I admit something out loud for the first time. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. Every day, seeing him like that, it chips away at another piece of my soul, and I’m dying inside. Everyone thinks I’m amazing and loyal, and I want to be those things. I want to be there for Garrick for however long it takes, but I’m struggling. I’m really struggling, and I don’t know what to do.”
Hadley loops her arm through mine, and I rest my head on her shoulder. “You take it one day at a time, and you stop beating yourself up for being human. If you continue to ignore your needs, you won’t be of any help to anyone. You are the best person I know, Stevie Colson. You love that man with your whole heart. It’s not your fault you both got dealt this shitty hand, and it’s not your fault if some days you just can’t be there for him.”
She kisses my temple. “It’s coming up to one year. I can’t imagine the hospital is going to allow the situation to continue indefinitely. I think something is going to happen soon, either way, and you need to prepare yourself,” she adds.
I straighten up, tucking my hands between my knees. “I noticed Hugh in an intense conversation with the director last night, and I think you’re right. I think something is happening. I have a terrible feeling.” I shake all over as if a blast of cold air has just danced over my soul.
“I adore Garrick. You know that,” she adds.
