I’m watching all manner of emotions play out over Jared’s face as I talk. “Fucking hell, Syd. I had no idea. I should’ve come for you at eighteen instead of moving to L.A. to make my rock star dream come true. I should have stuck to my guns. If I’d come to you, we would have discovered the truth much earlier, and I could have been there for you. Helped you get through it. I let you down. I failed you.” He crawls over beside me, gently clasping my head in his hands. “I can’t believe you almost overdosed.” Tears well in his eyes again. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it.”
“I didn’t want to live. I was in agony.” Tears cascade down my cheeks. “My world was so empty without you in it.” It’s cruel to let him believe his absence was the only reason I self-destructed when that’s not the full truth. But I can’t tell him the rest. He will only feel more guilty if he knows what I was forced to endure. And I’m sure there would be rage, loss, grief, and most likely a need for vengeance.
Maybe if he wasn’t starting a family with another woman, I would tell him. A big part of me believes he has a right to know we lost a baby and to understand all the ways in which my father plotted to keep us separated and how Herman Shaw failed to protect me. But we can’t rewind the clock. We can’t do anything about it now. Purposely hurting him with this information, at what is a happy time in his life, feels wrong.
What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.
“I’m sorry, Syd.”
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”
Oh so slowly, he circles his arms around my shoulders, watching me to ensure it’s okay. We should not be doing this, but I’m fragile after unlocking the vault to my memory bank, and I need his comfort right now. His scent swirls around me as heat from his arms sinks into my chilly bones, and it just feels so right being with him like this. I rest my head on his shoulder as we quietly contemplate all we have learned tonight.
I’m exhausted and incapable of any more truth talk, but there is one thing that needs to be said. “My dad did this. He kept us apart,” I say, eyeballing him.
Jared slowly nods. “It’s the only explanation that makes sense except I think my parents must have been in on it as well.”
“My dad was the one with a company full of IT specialists,” I remind him. “He clearly had someone tamper with or redirect my calls, texts, and emails. None of them bounced back meaning our numbers weren’t blocked.”
“He must have discovered your burner cell and had someone redirect all communication from your cell and email to mine. And then any incoming mail and calls from that number, and my main number, redirected to the same place because my messages to you didn’t bounce either.”
“I reached out to you on social media too.”
He frowns. “You know I’m not a big fan of social media, but I did occasionally log into my profiles, pre-boarding school, and there was nothing there.” A muscle pops in his jaw. “My parents must have done something.”
“I don’t think your parents were involved. Dad could easily have had someone hack into your profiles and block me without you realizing.” Jared is a disaster with social media, so he would not have noticed anything amiss unless he knew what to look for.
“I wouldn’t be too sure.” Jared presses a kiss to the top of my head, not even realizing he’s done it.
It would be so easy to stay here with him like this, but it would only be pretend. He has a pregnant fiancée, and my heart is vulnerable. Shucking out of his embrace, to avoid further temptation, I climb to my feet and head back to the couch. “I don’t know about you, but I definitely need a drink after tonight’s revelations.” I flop down on the couch, reaching for the bottle of wine.
“Have you fallen off the wagon?” he asks, rising elegantly to his feet. “Have I done this to you?” Remorse flashes in his eyes.
“No. I still drink, but I know my limits. As long as I stick to them, I’m fine. I haven’t touched drugs in over six years. I went to rehab during summer break before junior year and got clean.”
“Good for you.” He reclaims his seat beside me. “I bet that wasn’t easy.”
I top off both our glasses, emptying the bottle, and hand his glass to him. “It wasn’t, but almost dying put things into perspective.”
“I would never have forgiven myself if you’d died.”
“It wasn’t your fault, J. I own my mistakes and take responsibility for my behavior.”
Our relationship ending, and the fallout from the baby, was the catalyst that set me on a destructive path, but it wasn’t either of our faults. Two years of therapy has taught me I wasn’t responsible for the things that were done to me. While depressed and traumatized, I made a slew of bad decisions, and even though I was incapable of making the right ones because I wasn’t of sound mind, I still need to own what I did. I had to accept that before I could forgive myself and move on.
The people who were supposed to care for me let me down.
My father failed to protect me. Instead, he set out on a controlling path that meant even after I got cleaned up I was permanently depressed because he kept me in a cage and refused to let me out.
“My parents sent that photo to Vil,” Jared seethes. “They must have because I sure as fuck didn’t, and I doubt your dad stole the picture off Mum’s phone and sent it to Anvil from my phone. Even with his IT knowledge, I don’t know if that’s possible.”
“I’m sure it is.” I was married, albeit briefly, to a tech genius, and Sawyer explained that with the right skills there isn’t much a hacker can’t do. Although this was ten years ago and technology wasn’t quite as sophisticated, so maybe Jared is right. “I don’t think it’s a big stretch to believe my dad was spying on your parents. They hated one another. It was the whole reason your family left the US.”
“I don’t fully understand it, but either that was a ruse or it was the truth and both sides were working independently to separate us.”
I still think it was all my dad’s doing, but there’s no point arguing over it. It’s a moot point now. “Why? Why the fuck did it matter to them?”
“That’s the million-dollar question.” Jared leans back, knocking wine into his mouth, and I try to ignore how sexy he looks as he drinks.
