“That’s the thing, Sydney, I didn’t.” His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he reaches for me again.
“Yeah, right,” I scoff, wetting my lips. “Now who’s rewriting history?”
“It sure as fuck isn’t me!” he yells, stepping closer.
Gio does me a solid and yanks me back. His eyes narrow at Jared. “I think you should leave. You’re upsetting my girlfriend.”
I should correct Gio. But, of course, I don’t. Right now, getting Jared out of my apartment takes priority.
“Sydney, please, I’m begging you. I need closure. Don’t you need closure too?”
There will never be closure for me. That’s what he doesn’t understand. “Why do you need closure, Jared? Surely you got that years ago when you turned your back on me. Why does it matter now? You’re engaged with a baby on the way. Do us all a favor and let this go. I know I have.” I can’t look at him as I tell the biggest lie of all.
But I cannot do this with him. I’m tempted because I have so many unanswered questions, and it seems like something is amiss. Yet, I can’t go back. I can’t remember it all. It has the power to undo everything I have fought so hard to come back from.
“You heard her. It’s time to leave,” Gio says, tightening his arm around me.
“If I leave, Syd, this will be it.”
His eyes beg me to reconsider, but I’m not going to kiss him on the cheek and tell him I forgive him so he can get on with his life and pretend like I never existed. Maybe it’s petty. Maybe I should be the bigger person and just talk to him. Forgive him and try to put it properly behind me, but I can’t risk my sanity. Spending any time with Jared, especially a shared walk down nostalgia lane, will only hurt, and I’ve been hurt enough.
It took me a long time to learn how to prioritize myself. To understand it’s not selfish to putmefirst. It’s what I need to do now before I fall apart and undo all my progress.
“Goodbye, Jared.” I say the words I didn’t want to say all those years ago. “I hope you have a good life.”
ChapterThirteen
Jared
Iwander the busy nighttime streets of Florence with my head down low, hoping the ball cap is enough to disguise me from rowdy revelers who spill out of bars and clubs, laughing and joking and having a good time. The city is bursting with energy, as mobbed as if it was the middle of the day, and the air crackles with electricity. The usual summer crowd is swollen with additional tourists and music lovers, thanks to the MTV awards.
The event went well tonight. Somehow, I managed to keep my shit together to perform flawlessly. I should be out with Linc and Wilder, celebrating our best album win, but I’m not in a celebratory mood. Toria is furious. She wanted to party, and when I declined in favor of returning to our suite at the hotel, she assumed it meant I was down to fuck. When I rejected her,again, she turned crazy, throwing shit at me, and that’s when I made my escape.
A grimace spreads over my face. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my situation, but it can’t continue. Something has to change before I sink into depression. I think my bandmates are right—I made a mistake proposing to her. I thought I could do this. I want to, for my unborn child’s sake, but I’m already miserable as fuck. Toria is too, and I don’t see how this will work. It’s not fair on either of us to force something that’s never been there.
Ishouldwant to fuck my gorgeous, pregnant, horny girlfriend, but I can’t bear the thought of touching her or her touching me. I haven’t wanted her like that for some time, and it’s only gotten worse since I saw Sydney again. Touching anyone but Syd seems like a betrayal. Which is all kinds of fucked up. Not least that we ended over a decade ago. Sydney screwed me over big-time and left my heart in pieces at my feet. I owe her no loyalty, so why am I feeling the things I’m feeling?
Sydney hates my guts, and I don’t understand why.
It’s driving me crazy. Clawing at my insides and tearing strips off my heart and my sanity.
Why is she acting like I betrayed her when it was the opposite way around?
My feet move of their own accord, and a bitter laugh leaves my lips when I find myself at the river’s edge, at the entrance to the quirky bridge with the shops on either side. I didn’t consciously head in this direction, but it’s no surprise my heart has led me toward my ex’s apartment. Sydney made herself very clear earlier, so I doubt she will entertain me as a late-night guest, but it’s like I’m being pulled by an invisible rope as I step foot on the bridge and start walking.
Sydney doesn’t want anything to do with me. She drilled that point home this morning. She’s moved on with that smug, preppy, Italian jerk with his shiny white teeth, manicured hands, and neatly styled hair. I bet he irons his boxers and flosses religiously.
Tool.
He is all wrong for Sydney.
But what do I know anymore?
The girl I fell in love with, the girl I still carry with me in my heart, seems to no longer exist.
I have no clue who Sydney is anymore, and it hurts.
I thought bleeding my heart into my song lyrics would purge the pain from my heart, but it lingers. No matter what I do, I cannot forget her or properly move on. I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I needed closure. Maybe if I understand how and why it all went wrong, I can finally start letting her go and move forward without the ghost of our relationship haunting me at every turn.
