And I like it.
I like that vision of the future.
The dream of a life where I could be happy and not have to carry all the burden.
But is it enough to forgo all I have planned? Can I ever truly let it go? Can I really trust him?
“You are getting too close to him. He is changing you,” Renzo says as if he can read my mind.
If anyone could, I suppose it would be him.
He is the one person who knows me the most, but he can’t begin to understand the complexities of my heart when I can’t fathom them myself.
I have never let myself truly feel before. Not since I was a kid. I purposely shut off my emotions so I didn’t continue to feel the pain.
Now it feels like I’m drowning under a deluge of feelings I am ill-equipped to handle.
“He is,” I truthfully admit, knocking back more water.
“You need to take them out now before you get more involved. We can stage it like an accident.”
Pain rattles my chest and stabs me through the heart, like a hundred tiny daggers embedding deep. “No.” I vigorously shake my head. “No one touches Massimo or his family.”
Renzo’s eyes widen. “Fucking hell, Ree-ree. Please don’t tell me you’re in love with him?”
“You haven’t called me that in years,” I softly say, the nickname recalling many fond memories.
Disappointment flickers over his hardened features. “Don’t deflect, my donna. You are letting him get to you. Don’t forget he’s the enemy, and he’s playing you as much as you are playing him. Whatever you think you’re feeling for him, and vice versa, it isn’t true.”
“Don’t try to tell me how I’m feeling, Ren!” I snap because he is way out of line.
“This is not like you!” He grips my shoulders. “He’s distracting you with sex and sweet words.”
I shove him away, instantly enraged. “You don’t know shit about what we share.”
“I know sex has always been difficult for you because of what his fucking family did to you!” His voice elevates a few notches, and I’m this close to knocking him flat on his ass.
“What you and I shared is in the past, and I’ve come a long way since then.”
He scrubs a hand over his prickly jawline, sighing deeply. “I know you have. I’ve been the one watching as you fuck your way through important made men.”
I punch him in the face, and he lets me. “Fuck you. How dare you cast judgment on me. How dare you use your intimate knowledge of me to make bullshit statements.”
He wipes at the blood trickling from his nose before holding up a palm. “I apologize. That was way out of line, and I shouldn’t have gone there. Please forgive me.” He looks sincere, but I don’t know what’s going on with him anymore.
“What is this really about, Ren? I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“I’m worried about you.” He steps close, peering deep into my eyes. “Everything has the potential to turn to shit, and when you should be holding steadfast, you are backtracking.”
“It is smart to hold back for now. We don’t know what the Russians are planning. Anton is avoiding my calls, and I know something is afoot. We need to focus on doubling and tripling our security, and I want to fire our IT guy and recruit somebody new. He’s exposed us recently, and that’s not good enough.”
“I’ll get on it.”
“Dario is handling it. I want you to work with him on reassigning some of our men. Add extra protection on all of us, and put extra bodies on the street. Tell them to keep their ears to the ground for intel. We can’t afford for the Russians to attack when we are still settling things on the streets. I’ll talk with O’Hara.”
“I’m on it.” Placing his hand on my lower back, he steers us toward the changing area.
“No one is to hurt Massimo or his family,” I warn, drilling him with a sharp look. “That’s an order, Renzo.”
