“It’s all so overwhelming, and I’m so goddamn tired all the time. I’m sick of traveling and working such long hours and fitting the kids around our hectic schedules. I love being my own boss and how much my brand is growing, but I didn’t think it would be at the extent of everything else in my life. What good is success if we have to sacrifice so much? We barely see one another, and when we do, it’s—” She breaks down in tears, and her sobs tear strips off my heart.
I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight, fighting the urge to cry too. My wife needs me now. This isn’t about me. It’s about soothing Rach, and I would move mountains to remove her pain. It’s tangible and I can’t believe I have let this go on so long. That I have buried my head in the sand and refused to confront what was directly in front of my eyes. I have so much to make up to her. I have been a shitty husband, but I’m determined to fix things. I love her so much, and I can’t bear the thought of losing her. She is my entire world. Rachel, Elodie, and Roan are who I live for, and I will fight tooth and nail to hold on to my family.
“It’s awful,” she finishes, peering into my eyes. “I feel like there’s this big void between us and we’re so far apart. I could cope with the work stress if it didn’t feel like I was losing you.” Conviction flares in her eyes as her tears dry up. She looks directly into my eyes when she says, “I know, Brad. I know you’re having an affair.”
8
RACHEL
Shock splays across Brad’s face as he stares at me. “Baby, I’m not cheating on you. Why the hell would you think that?” Confusion gives way to horrified realization as I watch emotions play across his gorgeous face. “Is this aboutJenna?”
I nod as more tears well in my eyes. Fuck, I’m such a basket case. Lately, it doesn’t take much to instigate tears. I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep, work-related stress, or the constant fear I’ve been living with these past few months since I discovered my husband kissing his assistant. Now he’s saying he’s not having an affair? His reaction seems genuine, but do I truly know him anymore?” “I saw you two together. I called over to your office one night. You’d been working late all week. It was the time you had all those issues with the new website. Jill came over to mind the kids so I could surprise you. I grabbed some food from our favorite Italian restaurant, and I planned to keep you company while you worked, only I was the one who ended up surprised.”
“I don’t know what you saw, but it’s not what you think.”
“You were kissing her, Brad!” Anger flares inside, surging to the surface after months of tamping it all down inside. “Her arms were around your neck, and she was pressed all up against you. I almost threw up on the spot.”
“Rachel, my God.” Tears well in his eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Have you any idea what seeing that did to me?! Have you?” I shout, losing control of my tenuous emotions.
“Baby. I wasn’t kissing her. She threw herself at me. Caught me completely off guard. You must have arrived at that exact moment, and I’m guessing you left straightaway because if you’d stayed you would have seen me push her away and tell her to leave.”
I snort out a laugh. “Of course, you’d say that. Don’t all married men lie when confronted with the truth of their affair?”
“Rachel, I swear to you on our kids’ lives I am not having an affair. I’m telling the truth. We have cameras in the office. I’ll pull up the footage, and you can watch it if you don’t believe me.”
“What about all the overtime you’ve been doing? You are rarely home before nine at night. I know you used to work late during busy periods but never consistently like lately.”
“Oh my God, honey.” He rests his forehead against mine. “You think I was with her?”
Tears spill down my cheeks as I nod.
“No, baby. I called Kade the instant she left the building and explained what had happened. It wasn’t the first time she hit on me though it was the first time she kissed me. I repeatedly rejected her. Told her I loved my wife and I wasn’t interested. Warned her if she didn’t stop she’d be out of a job. I fired her immediately, and the reason I’ve been working overtime is because I’m doing her job and mine. I haven’t been able to find someone to replace her, and though I have temp agency assistants from time to time, the bulk of that work now rests on my shoulders.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“I hadn’t told you she was making advances because I spoke with her and thought she’d stop. After she kissed me, I fully intended on telling you, but you had that emergency at the factory in China, and you were gone for a week. When you returned, we had the bullying situation to handle at the school with Elodie, and then Roan broke his arm mountain biking. By then, she was gone. The moment had passed, and I didn’t think there was any point in upsetting you when I had handled it. You were under so much stress already, and I didn’t want to add to your load. If I’d known you were there that night and you thought I was cheating, I would have told you everything then and there. I’m so sorry, babe. I hate you saw that. I hate you would even think I could do something like that to you.” He clasps my face in his hands, kissing my tears away. “I love you, Rachel. I love you so fucking much, and I hate how things are between us. It's why I’m here today. I want to talk about us. About making changes that prioritize us as a couple and our family.”
“I’m such an idiot.” I sniffle, staring into his gorgeous blue eyes. “I should have confronted you, and this all would have come out. The old me would have screamed and shouted at you, but I feel so lost these past six months, Brad. I don’t feel like myself. I feel split down the middle all the time, and this isn’t what I want for my life.” I rest my hands on his chest. “I thought I was losing you.” My voice cracks, and my tear ducts spring to life again. “I was so scared. It’s felt like I’ve been dying inside. Every night we lie in bed beside one another with this massive gulf between us, and I’m silently crying and self-destructing. I thought you had no interest in me anymore, and instead of facing up to it, I have purposely forced it aside, afraid to confront it, because I wasn’t ready to rip our family apart. I focused on work, using it as a distraction, denying the truth because I couldn’t cope if it was true.”
“It’s going to be okay.” His eyes probe mine. “Unless you don’t love me anymore? Because that would change things.” His expression turns somber.
“Brad, I love the fuck out of you. Always have. Always will. I thought you didn’t love me.”
“We can fix this. Wearegoing to fix it. Together.” His arms circle around me, and he pulls me into his body. I cling to him, closing my eyes and inhaling the familiar musky, spicy scent of his cologne and the feel of his toned body against mine. My muscles loosen up against him, and relief is a powerful relaxer.
“I have missed you,” I say, and he eases back so he is looking me in the eyes.
“I have felt so empty without you. How did we let it get to this place?”
“I don’t know.”
“Just so we’re clear, I’m not blaming you for any of this, Rach. I haven’t been a good enough husband. I’ve been so focused on building my career, so I could adequately provide for you, that I neglected the truly important things. That you could think I would betray you shows how badly I have failed in proving my love to you.”
“That’s not all on you,” I truthfully admit. “There is still a part of me, albeit small, that believes you settled for me. That I’m not the true love of your life.”
Pain spreads across his face, and his distress is plain to see. Still, I don’t regret admitting that truth. If we are to have any chance of salvaging our marriage and saving our family, there can be no more holding back. As much as I hate to hurt him, he needs to hear this. “I know you don’t love Faye. I know, deep down, it’s ridiculous to think that, but I can’t help how I feel. When I thought you were having an affair, it brought all those old feelings to the surface. I felt like second best again.”
