“It is.” Pride underscores her words, as it should. Rachel has worked hard to build her business from the ground up, and she deserves every inch of her success. Her eyes light up whenever she talks about her business, and it’s the only time she is animated with me these days.
“I love you,” I blurt, hating that I can’t remember the last time I said it. Without stopping to second-guess myself, I reel her into my arms, half afraid she’ll reject me and thrilled when she doesn’t. Rachel wraps herself around me, almost clinging to me in a way that feels desperate. Which confuses me, because that’s not my wife.
“I love you too,” she whispers, her voice sounding hoarse. “I don’t want to lose you,” she adds, and every muscle in my body locks up tight.
“You can’t lose me. That’s an impossibility. I’m yours. Always,” I truthfully reply, holding her closer and burying my nose in her hair. Delicate strawberry and peach smells tickle my nostrils, the familiarity helping to soothe the frayed edges of my nerves.
“Is that—”
“Auntie Rachel!” Ciara exclaims, barging into the kitchen and cutting across whatever my wife was about to say. “We need more lemonade.” Ciara holds the empty plastic jug aloft, waving it in our direction.
Rachel eases out of my arms and walks away. The moment is lost. I stifle my frustration as I grab the meat cartons and wander outside to the grill.
A couple of hours later, I finally get a chance to unload to my best friend and ask for his advice as we sit in an alcove in my local bar, nursing two pints of creamy Guinness.
“Tell me what’s going on with you and Rach. You shocked the shit out of me earlier,” Ky says, worry etched upon his face.
“We have been drifting apart for a while. It doesn’t help we’re like passing ships in the night. I get home from a business trip, and then it’s her turn to travel for work. In between trips, we are juggling crazy busy jobs and the kids, and we are both so stressed and overworked that we barely have any time to spend together. At night, we fall into bed, both of us asleep before our heads have hit the pillow. I can’t remember the last time we had sex, and I’m ashamed to say when I told her I loved her earlier it was the first time in a long time.” I pause my verbal diarrhea to draw a breath, burying my head in my hands, as emotion threatens to overwhelm me.
Ky squeezes my shoulder in a show of support, but he doesn’t say anything, understanding there is more I need to get out.
I look up at him through blurry eyes, and I’m too tired to care how much of a pussy I must look. “I’m scared I’ve lost her. Outside of those issues, it seems like she isn’t interested in me anymore. Our conversations revolve around who will pick up the kids and drive them wherever they need to be. On weekends, when we manage to grab a couple of hours in front of the TV, conversation is either nonexistent or we talk about work or mundane stuff. Anything but the things we need to talk about.”
My chest heaves as pain spreads across it. “I held her today, and for the first time in ages, she welcomed it. It took everything I had not to burst into tears because hugging my wife felt so damn good, and I realize how starved I am for her touch.” Tears prick my eyes and I look away, ashamed to be falling apart in front of my friend even if he has seen me during some of my darkest days. “I’m failing, man. I’m failing at my most important role. I’m a shitty husband who can’t even talk to his wife, and it’s killing me.”
Ky grabs me into a hug, and I use the time to get a grip on myself. We pull back, and I scrub at my eyes before lifting my Guinness to my lips and drinking greedily.
“I had no idea things were like that though the strain was obvious today. It’s shit man, but all isn’t lost. You still love each other, and that’s the main thing. It would be a whole other ball game if the love was gone.”
“I don’t know if she loves me anymore, Ky,” I admit in a defeated tone.
“She loves you.” His confident tone rings out loud and clear. “After you said what you did at lunchtime, I observed her on the down low the rest of the day. She’s hurting, man. I see it in her eyes. Rach has always been good at putting on a front and hiding her pain, which is why I haven’t seen it before, but when you really look, you can see it. You don’t hurt like that if there’s no love.”
I shrug because, honestly, I don’t know anything anymore.
“It’s more than that though. I saw the way she was looking at you. She loves you. It’s clear as day. I don’t know where you two went wrong, but not loving one another isn’t the problem.”
“How do I fix this? I feel so lost.”
“I don’t know, but you’ve got to start by talking to her. Properly talking to her. You need to tell her how you are feeling. She needs to know you love her and you want to fix things. And you need to find out what she’s feeling and if there is anything behind this.”
“I need a plan of action.”
“You do.” His brow puckers as he considers it. “How about this? We’ll take the kids back with us tomorrow. We’ll keep them overnight. Spend the day talking with Rachel. Thrash it all out and then worship her all night. Remind her of what you guys have. Reconnect on every level and hopefully you’ll know where to go from there.”
Hope blooms inside me, and I’m regretting not confiding in my buddy sooner. Ky isn’t saying anything I didn’t know deep down myself, but I needed someone to voice it. “Rach has to go into the office for a meeting in the morning, so maybe I’ll surprise her and take her out to lunch. Then we can head back to the house to talk.” My mind churns with ideas. “I’ll get her some flowers and those Leonidas chocolates she loves, and I’ll get her a voucher for the spa at the nearby hotel. She hasn’t been for a treatment in ages.”
“She’ll appreciate all those gestures, I’m sure.”
“That’s only surface level though. If we’re to repair the damage to our marriage, I think we need to make some big changes.” I take another drink before I articulate this next truth. “I think I’m going to quit my job.”
Ky’s eyes pop wide.
“We don’t have to talk about it, if it puts you in an awkward position,” I blurt, not having thought it through. I am the European sales director of the golf company Ky’s brother Kaden jointly owns with his wife, Eva. I have worked for them for years, and they’ve been good to me, but lately I have been feeling more and more unsettled.
“You’re my best friend. What you tell me I will keep confidential. You need to get this shit off your chest, man. Give it to me.”
“I haven’t enjoyed my job the past eighteen months. I miss the US. I miss you guys and the rest of my family. I’m sick of all the traveling, and I know it’s getting to Rachel too. She has a management team in place in New York, but she really needs to be there. She has never complained or blamed me. She readily agreed to move here when Kade and Eva asked me to relocate. It’s not that we’re unhappy in Ireland, but it’s not home. For me or for Rachel.”
