Idid that to him.
I have made him doubt himself, and I can tell he’s self-flagellating. He doesn’t deserve it. He did nothing wrong, and I’m imbued with flagrant self-loathing. The tenuous hold on my control slips, and I burst out crying. “I’m such a fuck up. I’m the abnormal one! Not you. Don’t blame yourself. Please. I can’t bear it,” I sob.
His eyes are suspiciously glassy as he opens his arms, letting me make the call. There is no decision to be made though. I collapse against him, sobbing into his shoulder, needing him. Needing this.
“You’re not abnormal. You’ve been through a huge trauma, Rena. More than most people will ever endure in an entire lifetime. That bastard was the only man you have slept with, am I right?” he asks, his gaze full of compassion. Very carefully, he runs a soothing hand up and down my back.
Hiccupping, I nod before lifting my chin to look at him. He deserves some of my truths. I owe him at least that much. “I snuck a few kisses with guys when I was in college, but I wasn’t intimate with anyone until Alfredo.” A shudder works its way through me. “We probably should have talked about this first, but I didn’t want to think too much. I just wanted to enjoy sex like a normal person. I wanted you to touch me, and it felt so good until it didn’t. Until you disappeared and it was Alfredo with his hands on me. My skin was crawling, and I needed him to stop!” Hysteria is waiting in the wings, ready to complete my crazy nutjob transformation.
“I’m no therapist, but it seems like maybe you moved a bit fast.”
“I wanted it,” I whisper. “I really did. You make me feel desired. I just got all up in my head and ruined it.”
His face oozes compassion, but there is pity there too, and I hate that. How will I ever face him in the cold light of day? How will I ever move past this? Past him? Because there’s no way he’ll be interested in taking our relationship beyond friendship after this. Not now he sees exactly how damaged I am. No sane man would. And even if he feels the need to stay the course, for fear of hurting me with his rejection, I know it will be out of pity, not any real desire to form something more permanent with me.
I can’t let him do that.
I won’t.
Lowering my eyes, I drop my head to his chest and cling to him, knowing this will be the last time I get to hold him like this. Selfishly, I want to soak it all up so I can commit it to memory, to have something to remember our precious moments by. I relish his smell and absorb his touch and the solidity of his body holding me. I admire the quiet strength he brings to everything. The woman who ends up with this man will be a lucky bitch because he truly is one of a kind.
“I’m worried about you,” he quietly says, smoothing a hand up and down my hair.
“I’ll be fine,” I lie, dredging up the last of my bravery and extracting myself from his comforting embrace. I might as well get this over and done with now. “I’m continuing my therapy, and I’m considering attending NYU in the fall, and I have the kids. Those are the things I need to focus on right now. This.” I point between us before averting my eyes. I can’t say this to his face and pull it off. “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed for more. I’m not ready, and I think it’s best if we remain friends.”
Awkward tension bleeds into the air, and like the chickenshit I am, I wrap my arms around myself and avoid looking at his handsome face. Silence ticks for a couple more beats before the bed dips, and he clears his throat. “Whatever you need, Serena.” He stands, and a tight pain spreads across my chest. “You can take my room. I’m going to sleep in one of the other apartments.”
“Okay. Thank you,” I say, only lifting my head when his soft footsteps trek across the room. A pang of longing accosts me as I watch him cross the room, hating the slight stoop of his shoulders and the sadness that seems to cling to him.
He stops at the door, looking over his shoulder. “Good night, Serena.” A muscle clenches in his jaw, and he doesn’t wait for a reply before stepping out into the corridor and closing the door behind him.
I manage to hold my tears at bay for a couple of minutes, only letting the dam break when I’m confident he has left the apartment. Then I throw myself down on the bed and give in to my self-inflicted misery. I didn’t want to end the potential of anus, but I had no choice. It’s not Alesso’s fault I’m a pitiful broken mess. I was a fool to think I could be normal. Could be happy.
It’s never going to happen.
The truth is, Alfredo has ruined me for all men, and Alesso deserves so much better than me.
19
ALESSO
“Let’s talk,” Ben says, when we return to Connecticut on Sunday evening. We spent the day with the kids at the zoo and the aquarium, and Serena managed to say a grand total of zero words to me, so I’m in a pretty shitty mood.
I trail the boss to his office and flop into a chair in front of his desk while he fixes drinks. “Let’s sit over here,” Ben says a couple minutes later, handing me a scotch and walking toward the cozy seating area in front of the fireplace. He sits in one of the high-backed leather chairs, and I sit in the other one across from him. “I know your personal life is none of my business,” he starts, drilling me with a look. “Except where it concerns my sister-in-law. I need to know what your intentions are toward Serena.”
Nice of him not to sugarcoat it. “It doesn’t matter what my intentions are. Or were,” I correct before gulping back a mouthful of whisky. “Serena has made it clear she wants us to be friends and nothing more.”
“It looked like she was interested in more than friendship last night.” He swirls the bourbon in his glass.
Air whooshes out of my mouth. “She thought she was.” I rub my tense jaw. “But she’s not ready.” I feel sick to my stomach every time I recall how it went down last night. I want to punch myself in the gut for not reading the signs better. There were a couple moments I thought I should stop, but her body seemed to enjoy my touch until her head got involved and ruined everything. Not that I am in any way blaming Serena. I know she has been hurt by that prick she was married to. That he’s thwarted her trust in men and made her wary of intimacy. I had suspected as much. Now I know for sure.
“Did something happen?”
“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s between Serena and me, and I won’t disrespect her by talking about it with anyone. Not even you.”
“I respect that, and I would never ask you to breach her confidence.” He sips his drink. “My wife is worried about her. Last night, Sierra and Nat were as giddy as schoolgirls watching you and Rena make googly eyes at one another. I wasn’t aware you felt that way about her.”
“I haven’t even discussed it with Rena, so I couldn’t tell you.” I rub the back of my neck with my free hand. “I wasn’t sure you would approve,” I truthfully add.
