“I love you, Mommy.” Her arms tighten around me. “So, so much. I thank God every day for giving me you as my mommy.”
My heart swells with tenderness. This girl. She makes me so damn proud. Her trembles are subsiding as I hold her close, pressing kisses into her hair and smoothing my hand up and down her back. “I love you so much, Elisa. Your brother too. I am lucky God graced me with such amazing children.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “But I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything, Mom.”
“Please don’t worry about me. I’m going to be okay. Things have been tough, but they will get better for all of us. Right now, I just want you to be a little girl. To make new friends at school. To play with your brother and your cousin. To laugh. To be happy. To not worry so much.”
“I can’t help it,” she whispers, kissing my cheek. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
I pull her onto my lap and cradle her close. “Nothing is going to happen to me. Uncle Ben and Frank, Alesso, and Leo, they are all keeping us safe.”
“I like Alesso,” she says over a yawn.
“I know you do.” I lay her down on the bed beside me, pulling the covers up over us.
“Do you like him too?” she asks, turning on her side and snuggling against me.
“I do,” I truthfully reply, watching my daughter close her eyes with the ghost of a smile on her lips. “Too much,” I whisper before sleep pulls me under.
* * *
“I made an appointment with a therapist,” I tell Sierra as we roll up our mats at the end of our yoga class. “And I made a couple of appointments for the kids too. They need more help than I can give them.” It’s been a couple of weeks since I realized the best way I can help my children is to help myself, first and foremost, and it’s taken me that long to pluck up the courage to make the call. But I did it, and I’m proud I took the first step on the road to recovery.
I found a practice in town that caters to all of our needs. We each have our own therapist, but they can consult with one another while treating us individually, and I think that’s the best way of managing this so we all get the help and support we need.
“That’s great.” She squeezes my hand. “Let me know when you’re going, and I’ll stay at home so Alesso can go with you.”
I blow a few stray strands of hair out of my eyes as we walk toward the door with the other women. “I’d rather he didn’t come.” I have no idea what state I will be in after my first session, and I really don’t want the man I have feelings for there to witness any meltdowns. He has already seen enough embarrassing things.
“You can’t go out unprotected.” Sierra pushes out through the doors and across the hallway toward the locker room. “Maybe we should ask Ben to assign you your own bodyguard.”
“No.” I vigorously shake my head, following my sister into the locker room. “I have spent my entire life shadowed by bodyguards. The men that bastard used to assign to me had no concept of personal space and regularly invaded my privacy.” We reach our lockers, and I drop onto the bench as Sierra removes her bag and dumps it beside me. I rub my suddenly aching temples, feeling a headache coming on. “Though I’m worried about threats, I refuse to have unfamiliar men all up in my business again. Maybe Frank could come with us?”
Sierra peels her yoga pants and cropped top off her lithe body, balling them up and stuffing them in her bag, standing unashamedly in just her panties, as she grabs a towel and toiletries. I wish I had her confidence. I think back, and there was a time when I definitely did, but I can scarcely remember who that girl was anymore.
She wraps the towel around her torso and shimmies her panties down her legs, adding them to the other items in her bag. Sitting beside me, she takes my hand in hers. “I thought Alesso was your friend? Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with him? Or is this about something else?”
I exhale heavily as my eyes lower to our conjoined hands. “I don’t want him to see me as weak. I’m sure he already thinks I’m a basket case.”
“He doesn’t think that. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s the very opposite of that.”
I raise my eyes to hers. “I’ve seen him looking at me too, but it won’t go anywhere. I’m too broken. He deserves so much better than me.”
“Stop that.” She squeezes my hand tighter. “I hate to hear you putting yourself down. You’re an amazing woman, Serena. So strong and brave and kind. Alesso would be lucky to win your heart.”
I bark out a bitter laugh. “No one wants to win that mangled thing.” Tears prick my eyes. “I don’t think I can ever open myself up to a man. Not the way you have with Ben. The thought fucking terrifies me.”
“I know.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears as she enfolds me in a hug. “I know you’re scared to love, but there is no rush, Rena.” Her warm embrace is everything I need and nothing I would have asked for. “You have been through a huge trauma, and it will take you time to heal. There is no ticking clock. Heal and maybe then you will feel differently about love. Feel ready to take a risk on a guy, whether it’s Alesso or someone else.”
“I like him,” I finally admit as we break our embrace.
“I know you do.” Her face lights up in a smile.
“It’s crazy how my heart beats faster the second he walks into a room and how I can often tell where he is before I’ve even seen him. It’s like I feel his presence coming before he’s even stepped into the room.”
“You’re crushing on him.” She can’t disguise her gleeful tone. “This is wonderful.”
“No, it’s not. It’s…terrifying.”
