I flop down on the sand, propping my chin on my bent knees, staring out at the water, utterly flabbergasted. He sits down beside me, staring at my face as I look straight ahead.
“Say something,” he pleads.
“I don’t know what to say,” I truthfully reply, turning my head toward him. “My brain is overloaded with all this stuff, and I don’t think I can take much more.”
“All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make you happy, yet I’ve ended up doing the opposite. I know it’s a shitty way of saying I love you, but I do love you.”
Sighing, I link my pinky in his. “I know you do,” I softly say, “and I love you too. I’m not going to deny that, but I just don’t know if it’s enough, and I can’t make sense of the mess in my head.” An idea floats in my mind and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. “I’m going to visit Jill for a while. I think we could both use a little distance right now.”
“Don’t leave. Please.” Agony repaints his features, and I hate that I’ve put it there, but I won’t lie to him.
“I need to. I need headspace if I’m going to figure out what this all means.”
I stand, and he climbs to his feet, his eyes wild and frantic as he cups my face. “Don’t leave me, Zeta. Please don’t leave me.”
The vulnerability is back, and it’s hard to deny him anything, but one of us needs to be strong. I kiss him briefly on the lips, pulling back before he can return it. “I’m coming back. Okay?” I thread my fingers through his hair. “I just need time alone, but I will come back.” I wouldn’t lie to his face, and I mean what I say. He’s panicked at the thought of losing me, and the last thing I want is him sitting here worrying that I’ve disappeared on him.
“You promise?”
The agony in his tone and his face is killing me, but I must remain strong. “I promise, Ryder. I promise I’ll be back.”
* * *
Jill,Liam, and the kids are delighted to see me, and I feel guilty I haven’t visited in so long. I take Kendall and Kyle to the beach for a few hours, grabbing some takeout burgers and fries on the way home. After they’re fed, I help bath them and then take turns reading them bedtime stories. Jill and I finally get a chance to speak once they are both fast asleep.
“Have fun, ladies,” Liam says, placing an ice bucket with a chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc on the table along with two wine glasses. He leans in to kiss his wife. “I won’t be too late,” he promises before leaving to rendezvous with his buddies at a local bar.
“You two make it look so easy,” I say, pouring wine into both our glasses.
“We work at it,” she says, chinking my glass. “And anyone who tells you relationships are easy is a damn liar.”
I kick off my shoes, tucking my bare feet under my legs, as I bring the glass to my lips. My aunt pats my knee. “Tell me what’s going on with you and Ryder. I thought things were good?”
I’ve been updating her during our weekly phone calls, but I hadn’t mentioned what went down at the awards ceremony or the fact I was attacked after the after-party. Once I’ve dealt with her concern, I tell her as much as I can about what’s going on. I don’t tell her Ryder knows the guy who attacked me or that it was a form of revenge, because that’s not my secret to tell, so I skirt around it, giving her enough to form a good picture of how messed up I am. When I get to the part about the protection-slash-stalking, she tenses up a little.
“You knew,” I say, stating the obvious.
“Not at first.” She puts her glass down. “I know you’re probably pissed but hear me out.” I nod, taking a big glug of my wine. “When Liam and I left our jobs to set up our own company, we knew our savings wouldn’t be enough to develop the system the way we had planned, so we hired a financial guy to seek out suitable venture capitalists who would be interested in investing in a start-up tech company. He secured three investors for us. Two of them we met in person, as they had questions they wanted us to answer face to face. The third investor wanted to remain anonymous, and while it’s unusual, it didn’t trigger any alarm bells. We were thrilled to have outsiders believe in our idea enough to put their money behind us.”
She purposely clears her throat. “Two years ago, we discovered the anonymous investor was Ryder. I was stunned, to be honest.” She clasps her hands in her lap. “I reached out to him, and we arranged to meet in New York the next time I was in the city visiting you.” I knock back my wine, stunned at what I’m hearing. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly, but he explained that he’d had to leave you because his past had come back to haunt him, and it potentially placed you in harm’s way.”
Wow. I’m shocked Ryder even admitted that much, knowing how risky it is to divulge anything.
“He told me he had assigned bodyguards to watch over you, and he assured me he would keep you safe. I had no reason to doubt him because the look on his face when he talked about you said everything.” She grabs my free hand. “He loves you, Zeta. Like soul mate, one true pairing, crazy kind of love. I tried to persuade him to contact you, but he’d convinced himself he wasn’t worthy of you, that you deserved better, and it kinda broke my heart.”
Her smile is sad. “I spoke to Liam about it when I came home, and we talked it over for hours, wondering if we should intervene, but, in the end, I decided not to, because I had a strong feeling you two would find your way back to one another.” She squeezes my hand. “I knew you weren’t over him. I knew your reluctance to date was down to how you still felt about him. I knew those lyrics on your thigh were written for him.”
“I love him, Jill. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved but there is so much hurt and pain between us, and we’re both broken in different ways, and I don’t know if we can ever overcome it.” I suddenly need to tell her everything, because I need her to help me figure out my feelings and she can’t do that with half the facts. So, I tap out a quick text to Ryder, asking permission to reveal the truth, which he readily gives.
I fill Jill in on the rest of the story, and she listens with her hand over her mouth, much like I did when Ryder was telling me.
“Oh, dear Lord.” She knocks back her wine when I’ve finished explaining, moving to refill both our glasses. “I remember that case so well. I was twenty-one and getting ready to leave for Australia when the news broke.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Cory Barnes was Kyle’s age when he was murdered. The thought of anyone hurting my little boy…” Her voice trails off, a sob breaking free, and I wonder if I’ve been selfish telling her this.
“That was one of the first thoughts I had when Ryder told me too,” I admit.
“I can still see Cory’s little face. It’s never left me. That blond hair, those gorgeous hazel eyes, those cute dimples.” She flops back against the arm of the couch. “Jesus, Zeta.”
I lean back, sighing. “Ryder’s blamed himself his whole life, Jill. I see it in his behavior. In all the things he’s done. And he’s tried to give back. He does amazing work for charity, and he’s donated millions, mainly to help kids or anyone suffering from abuse or the effects of violent crime.”
