“How are you feeling?” He scrubs a hand over his stubbly jawline, pinning me with sad, remorseful eyes. “Are you okay?”
Air oozes out of my mouth in noisy spurts as I contemplate how to answer his question. My throat is dry when I finally speak. “Numb. Upset. Confused. Sad.” I shrug, because that only scratches the surface. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.” He attempts to bat my concern away.
“Don’t pretend you’re fine. That outburst of aggression last night is not the actions of someone who is fine. I’ve never seen you lose it like that.”
“I’m sorry if I scared you.” He looks instantly remorseful.
“I was only scared because I’m worried about you. What caused you to react like that? And don’t say it’s because I was randomly attacked, when we both know it’s way more than that.”
He nods slowly, pain embedded into his features. “I know I have some explaining to do, and I am going to tell you everything, but first, I owe you an apology.” He crawls across the bed, coming to kneel on the ground before me. His hair is sticking up adorably, and he’s naked except for his boxers, but I’m too drained to do more than acknowledge that fact. He takes my hands in his, and I let him. Tears glisten in his eyes as he stares up at me. “As long as I live, I will never forgive myself for treating you like that last night. I’m so ashamed.”
“You humiliated me.” Tears well in my eyes, spilling down over my cheeks. “And it hurt so much.”
“I messed up. Got shitfaced and lost sight of reality. Even as I was saying that shit, as I was pushing you away, I was screaming inside.” He rubs circles on the back of my hand. “But there are no excuses that make it in any way acceptable, and there’s nothing I can do to take it back. All I can do is promise it won’t happen again and show you how serious I am through my words and my actions. I’m not even asking you to forgive me, because I don’t deserve it. But I am asking that you don’t give up. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but please give me one. Please don’t leave because I love you, and I need you, and I want to prove I can take better care of you than I did last night.”
“What about her?” I spit out. “How could you let her sit there and touch you and say those things to me?” My voice breaks and a trapped sob breaks free. “Did you fuck her?”
“No! I was doing it to make you jealous, but I got rid of her the minute you left.”
“Well, I guess that makes it okay then,” I sneer, sarcasm lacing my tone.
He looks completely ashamed, and I’m glad to see it. “It was immature and cruel and completely stupid. I’m so sorry, baby.” His eyes plead with me. “I hate myself for using her to upset you like that. I’m a shitty boyfriend, but I swear to you I’ll do better. I’ll do whatever you want me to do to show you that that asshole you met last night is not who I really am. I know I need to do better to demonstrate I’m worthy of you, and I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you. Last night will never happen again.”
I swallow over the burning lump in my throat. “I put my trust in you, and you let me down. That’s not something I can get over just because you promise it won’t happen again. You have a habit of promising me things and then letting me down.”
“That’s completely fair, and I can’t defend myself. I know I have no right to ask you to give me another chance, but you already know I’m a selfish prick, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise.”
I could tell him itisa surprise because his behavior last night seemed to confirm his love of partying took precedence over me. And while it’s nice to hear him say these things, they’re only words. Words are meaningless if they’re not true. If you can’t back them up with your actions. But I don’t articulate these thoughts because there’s a bigger picture here, one I need to understand, so any discussions about our relationship will have to take a back seat. For now.
“Who was that man, Ryder, and what is your involvement with him?”
Removing his hands from mine, he sits up on the edge of the bed and buries his head in his hands. I wait him out. Watching his chest heave and his body tense up, I still love every part of him with every part of me even though he crushed me last night.
When he lifts his head up and stares me straight in the face, he looks like a scared little boy. More vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him. The urge to comfort him is riding me hard, but I don’t move a muscle, because I need him to be honest with me.
“I was always planning on telling you this. I’d plucked up the courage to admit it on Monday, but you were still upset over the party, so I put it off.” He shakes his head. “I should’ve told you at the start, but I was scared, because there’s a very real risk you’ll want nothing more to do with me after you know.”
“Just spit it out, Ryder. Tell me everything. Hold nothing back.”
He nods slowly. “I lied to you.” His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, and my stomach contorts sourly. “I’ve been lying to everyone pretty much my entire life.” He rubs a hand across the back of his neck, breathing deeply. “When I told you the reason why I was in juvie, I didn’t tell you the full truth.” He looks me directly in the eyes, and I see so many conflicting emotions there. “Do you ever remember hearing about Cory Barnes?”
The name rings a bell, but I frown as I search my memory for more intel. “Vaguely, but I can’t recall any of the details.”
“I was ten, so you would’ve only been nine when the story broke.” He clamps a hand down on his thigh to halt the jerking of his leg. He never loses eye contact as he starts telling me how it all went down. “Everything I told you about my mom was true, and how I roamed the streets rather than go home to that fucked-up shit. I mentioned I started hanging around with the wrong crowd, but I didn’t elaborate for a reason. Gangs were rampant in our neighborhood growing up, and everyone wanted to be in the Z-Crew, but they were close-knit, and they rarely let anyone in. To this day, I don’t know why Ren approached me in the first place. He was their self-appointed leader, and most of the boys in the hood were scared shitless of him. I never was. I was tall for my age, handy with my fists, and I had a reckless disregard for my own life.”
He pauses for a minute, looking pensive. “Maybe that was it, or he saw something in me that reminded me of him.” He shrugs. “He asked me to join, and I didn’t even consider turning him down. At first, I loved it. You had to be fourteen to join Z-Crew, so I thought I was the shit being inducted at such an early age. I looked up to him initially. He was seventeen, and he loved bragging about all the stuff he’d done. After a few months, I began to see a side to him I didn’t like, but I was trapped then, so I sucked it up and got on with it.”
His shudders, briefly closing his eyes. “Cory Barnes lived a few blocks away from me. His mom was a hooker too, under the control of the same pimp as my mom. There was six years separating me and Cory, but that didn’t stop his mom from leaving him with me for hours on end when she was working. It started when he was a baby. I was only a fucking kid, and I had no clue how to look after a newborn, but I did my best.”
He worries his lower lip between his teeth, and I can tell how difficult this is for him, so I let him talk uninterrupted. “They moved away for a while, but when they returned, his mom started putting him out of the house when she wanted to entertain johns. He was only four, so I took him under my wing as best I could. It wasn’t a problem until I joined Z-Crew. He was always trying to follow me around, but I couldn’t have him messed up in the shit we were doing. I tried everything to get him to stop clinging to me, including bribing a few of the local girls into minding him, but he always found a way of sneaking off.”
His lower lip wobbles, and he draws several sharp breaths before continuing. “The day it all went down, I was with my crew when we robbed a local grocery store. Ren was walking away from the checkout with a bagful of cash when one of the cashiers pulled a gun out from under the register. His second in command, Johnny, saw what was happening, and he wrestled the female cashier to the ground and grabbed the gun. Ren was a crazy fucker, so he didn’t hesitate. He pumped three bullets into her. I can still remember how paralyzed with fear I was. The other guys were laughing, everyone except Vincent and me. Vincent was the second youngest in the gang at fourteen, and he was the closest I had to a friend.”
He rubs a hand over his chest, and I’m barely breathing at this stage, my insides all twisted up, fearing where this story is going. “The sound of sobbing muted everyone’s laughter. Then Cory rushed forward from his hiding place inside the front door, hugging my leg and crying for his mommy.”
A single tear rolls down his face, and it’s hard not to grab him into my arms and comfort him, but I hold back, needing to hear the rest.
