“I closed myself off, Ryder. I threw barriers up around my heart, and I never let myself feel, because I didn’t want to go through that kind of pain again.” A steely glint appears in her eye, almost like she’s waiting for me to challenge her. She juts her chin up and fixes me with a confident look. “I’m sexually promiscuous, because I need it to release all this pent-up emotion I bury inside, but it’s only ever sex. It’s only ever a physical act. One I usually instigate and control. I rarely go back for seconds, because I don’t want to risk growing attached, not that it’d be a problem because I’ve never felt a connection with anyone the way I feel with you.”
My brain scrambles to process all that. I’ve suspected she might be like me, using sex to bury her feelings, but to have her confirm it has scattered my emotions to the wind. I’m not being hypocritical when I say I hate that she’s like that, because I’m not judging her for her lifestyle. I just never wanted that for her. I’ve always wanted more for her, and I’ve battled with my feelings over the years when I realized what she was doing, torn between rejoicing at the fact she hadn’t fallen in love with anyone else and hating the thought of her feeling as alone as I was.
She’s looking at me expectedly, waiting for my response. I cup her cheek. “I’ve never felt a connection with anyone but you. I’ve never shared intimacy with anyone but you. And, fuck it, baby, I’ve lived my life exactly like you. Placing my feelings on lockdown and using sex as a way of feeling in control, but the thought of you being as fucking lonely as I’ve been hurts my heart so bad, because I didn’t wish for that. Leaving you was supposed to make your life better, not harder.”
“Ryder,” she sobs, tears rolling down her face unbidden. “I’ve been so lonely, but no one else could ever match up to you.”
I throw caution to the wind and yank her into my arms. “I know, baby. I know.” I hold her tight, sighing contentedly when her arms go around my waist and her head comes to rest on my chest. Closing my eyes, I nuzzle my face into her hair and inhale deeply. Her hair smells different now, like peaches and vanilla, but she still smells like home.
Like my only place of peace and happiness.
I’ve missed this close human contact, this intimacy with her, and if it was up to me, we’d be a couple already, but I can’t be dismissive of her feelings. Of howI’vemade her feel. I run my hand up and down her back as she sobs intermittently. “I love you, Zeta,” I whisper in her ear. I press a tender kiss to her temple. “I still love you so much.”
She goes rigidly still in my arms, and I wonder if I’ve pushed too hard, if I’ve lost her again. Sniffling, she eases back, looking up at me through tear-stained eyes. “I still love you too, but—”
I don’t let her complete that sentence, muting her words by pressing my lips against hers. I kiss her softly, and her mouth instantly responds, moving against mine effortlessly. I sweep my tongue along the seam of her lips, and she opens for me willingly. I pull her into my lap and lean back against the couch, holding her firmly by the waist as I kiss the shit out of her.
My heart is drowning in sensation, my body’s on fire, and my head? My head is finally at peace as I just focus on the euphoria of having her back in my arms, of tasting her sweet sexiness on my lips.
Jerking my hips up, I thrust my hard-on into her pelvis, letting her know what she does to me. She rips her mouth from mine, scooting out of my lap and promptly falling on her butt on the floor. “Zeta.” My heart is pounding in fear as I stand, helping her up.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” she says, shaking her head, looking completely flustered, and trying to back away from me.
“Please don’t do this. Don’t tell me you didn’t want that because I know you did!” I drag my hands through my hair as a heavy weight settles on my chest.
“Ryder.” She sighs, pulling herself together. Taking a step toward me, she removes my hands from where they’re fisting my hair, circles her arms around my neck, and hugs me.
A golf-ball-sized lump of emotion clogs my throat. My blood pressure recalibrates, and my stress levels reduce as I lean into her embrace.
“I want it. I want you. I do,” she reassures me, before slipping out of our embrace. She pins me with sorrowful eyes. “But I can’t overcome eight years of anguish overnight. I know now you were trying to do the right thing, but I still feel so much hurt, so much pain, all of it unnecessary. I spent years feeling betrayed. Thinking you had cheated on me, thinking everything we’d shared had been a lie, and it cut deep. It’s not something I can just toss aside like it didn’t matter.” She shakes her head, and a veil of sadness shrouds her pretty features. “If you had only waited and talked to me.”
She rubs a hand across her chest, and I wish I could tell her the full truth. Scrap that. I know Ineedto tell her the full truth, but the timing has to be right, and we’re not there yet. Plus, I need to work up the courage to admit it because I’m not strong enough yet to deal with rejection. If she leaves me for good after she finds out, I don’t think I’ll survive losing her again. We’ve only just reconnected, and I’ve already hit her with so much of the heavy stuff. I need to let her process that first before I drop a loaded bomb. “So, what are you saying?” I ask, needing to know where we stand.
“I’m saying I need a little time and space.”
“I can give you that.” I reach out, winding my hands through her hair. “But I want to make one thing clear. I want you back, Zeta. You’re my girl, and you belong with me.”
Tears shimmer at the back of her eyes, and she gingerly smiles. “Can we agree to put the past behind us and start over as friends?”
I press a kiss to her forehead, breathing deeply. “I can agree to that once you agree not to close your mind to more. I hear you, and I’ll give you time and space, I promise. But don’t shut me out, please.”
“I won’t.” She rests her head on my chest. “I promise.”
25
Zeta
Ryder is outside grilling steaks while he chats over a beer with Micah and Garrett. Scott, Linda, and their little boy aren’t coming now until tomorrow morning, so it’s only the four of us for dinner tonight. I’ve prepared a green salad, fresh slaw, sweet potato fries, mashed potatoes, and a cheesecake for dessert. Ryder came inside every so often to check if I needed anything, but I shooed him away, telling him to enjoy the sunshine with his buddies.
I feel lighter after our talk, and it’s definitely helped to clear the air. I’m not yet in the place where I can hope for more with him, but the layers around my heart are already melting. It felt so natural to kiss him, to be back in his arms, and I was sorely tempted to let it go all the way, but thankfully, I came to my senses before things escalated.
If I’d had sex with him today, it would be no different than any other encounter, and I don’t want to do that to us. The past I share with Ryder is unique to him and me, andifwe find ourselves back in that space again, then I’ll happily let him take me to bed, but I want him to make love to me. We’ve both been using sex as some kind of crutch, and if I’d let him fuck me today, how different would it really have been?
I know he was disappointed, but I believe we need to step back and take things slow. I can’t go charging headfirst into a relationship with him, until I know it’s what I want, and I’m still so messed up over everything. Professing my love is already a big step forward for me, and maybe it wasn’t the smartest decision, but I meant it when I said I wanted to be honest.
We’ve admitted we both still have feelings for one another, but that doesn’t mean anything’s changed or that we’ll end up back together. I know Ryder wants to go there, but one of us has to be level-headed about it, and I guess that task falls to me. For now, I’m happy to have him back in my life as a friend. We’re both different. Older and supposedly wiser. And we have a lot to catch one another up on. The most I can hope for right now is renewing our friendship, and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on.
I call Garrett and Micah inside, asking them to help me carry the food and dinnerware to the seated area outside. We’re eating on the ground level at the beautiful patio area, which overlooks the pool and gardens.
