A tear trickles out of the corner of her eye as I’m escorted past her in handcuffs, but I’m numb to it. Anger and rage have done a number on my insides, and I’m immune to her baleful eyes and her pleading expression.
Whatever we had is over before it’s even begun.
10
Zeta
Ihave no one to blame for my current predicament but myself, yet it doesn’t make things any easier to swallow. I knew it would come back to haunt me, but I still did it. After Luc told me everything Ryder had done to protect me, I was overwhelmed with emotion, and so consumed with love for him, that all I could think about was getting his beloved guitar back. I still can’t believe he traded it in exchange for my safety. No one has ever done anything like that for me before and it blew me away.
I spent a couple days wondering how best to approach this, but I had nothing to offer Lopez except my body. There’s no way I was giving the douche my virginity, but I knew Ryder had told him I had the clap, so I used that to my advantage, knowing he’d knock my offer to fuck him on the head but ask me to blow him instead.
It’s not like I wanted to do it, because I’m nauseated every time I think of it, but it was the only way to get Ryder’s Fender back, so I swallowed my pride, and my distaste, and dropped to my knees for him.
I was strangely numb the whole time, successfully blocking out what I was doing, which was the only way I was able to do it. I’d seen Mom do it enough times to know how it needed to be done, but I hate that the memory of that first is forever tarnished for me.
It’s definitely not my proudest moment, and despite the fact Lopez went back on his word and blabbed to Ryder, I’d still do it again, because it means Ryder isn’t without his guitar, the one thing helping him keep his sanity in here.
Ryder has been placed in solitary for a week. Thankfully, Lopez didn’t suffer any broken bones or serious injuries, so Powell says it’s unlikely it will affect Ryder’s release date, especially when his record is squeaky clean until now. And in one piece of good news, Lopez has been transferred. He won’t be coming back here after he’s been discharged from the hospital because he’s been relocated to the Orange County Central Men’s Jail. I felt like throwing a party when I found out.
Valeria is hopping mad and mouthing off any chance she gets. She and her posse take any and every opportunity to push me around, and it’s only a matter of time before we come to blows. But I’m expecting it, and I’m on my guard.
When Ryder arrives back at school, he returns to ignoring me. I’m not surprised, but I am disappointed. I had hoped he’d understand why I did it, but he’s giving me a wide berth. I allow him a couple of days to calm down, but when he’s still avoiding me, I decide it’s time to take matters into my own hands.
I corner him in the library, putting myself directly in his path so he’ll have no choice but to speak to me. “Ryder, can we talk? Please.” I plead with my eyes, willing him to at least look at me.
A muscle pops in his jaw as he lowers his face to mine. Pain glimmers at the back of his eyes. “I have nothing to say to you,” he says in a clipped tone.
He moves to go around me, but I place my hand on his arm, stalling him. “I didn’t want to do it,” I whisper. “But I’m not sorry I did because you have your Fender back, and that’s all I wanted.”
“You think I wanted it back like that?” he snaps, hurt transforming to anger.
“I know how much that guitar means to you, and I know what you did for me, and I wanted to show you how much I care for you, how much I miss you.”
He snorts. “By sucking another guy’s cock?” His tone screams disbelief as he shoves my hand away. “You have a really fucking warped way of showing you care.”
“Please, Ryder.” Tears prick my eyes. “I know I messed up, but can’t you find it in your heart to forgive me? I forgave you for all the shit you said about me and all the pain you put me through. Why can’t you do the same for me?”
“Because I didn’t get down on my knees like a fucking whore!” he barks, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.
I jerk back as if slapped. The truth of his words rips through me, and I’m devastated as I finally let the thoughts lingering at the back of my mind free.
I’m exactly like my mom, and it’s no wonder Ryder has lost respect for me. As I note the look of disgust in his eyes, I know he’s never going to forgive me.
I’ve lost him, and there isn’t anything I can do to change that.
I sink into a bottomless pit after that. Luc is an absolute sweetheart, trying his best to remain loyal to both of us, attempting to act as peacemaker, but I tell him to let it go. I don’t harbor any grudges against Ryder, and I understand why he can’t get past this. Last night, after I woke up from another nightmare, I imagined what it would be like if he’d gone down on Valeria in a deal to keep me safe, and it sickened me to my stomach.
So, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. I fucked up spectacularly, and now I’m paying the price.
Valeria has made it her mission to torment me every chance she can, and that includes draping herself over Ryder any opportunity she gets. He doesn’t encourage her in any way, and he’s constantly rejecting her advances, but it still kills me, and she knows it, so she continues to do it. According to Luc, she’s fucking Kelly and Wright now that Lopez is gone, and she’s still bouncing up and down on Watson’s cock too, and while I hope she’ll get bored of heckling me soon, I’m not naïve enough to believe she isn’t planning something.
I’m watching her watching me as I perform my usual jog around the yard the next day. I’ve never been able to relax out here, constantly feeling eyeballs glued to my back, fully aware that the hushed whispers and pointed fingers are leveled in my direction. Although exercise is supposed to loosen the muscles, mine are permanently locked tight out in this yard, as my entire body stays on high alert.
The thirty-foot chain link fence topped with barbed wire, and the guard tower, reminds me I’m in a serious predicament, and that doesn’t help my mood either. I’m in a particularly pissy frame of mind today, and Valeria’s suspicious behavior has me on edge.
She’s whispering in a corner with Sam and Sofia, and every few seconds, they cast a glance in my direction. All the tiny hairs lift on the back of my neck as I wonder what they are plotting. I slow my pace a little, not wanting to exhaust myself if they are planning to strike today.
Shouting at the far end of the yard draws my attention, and I slow down to a stop as I watch a fight erupt between Torres, Kelly, and Wright. Fists are flying in all directions as a few other boys join the melee. My eyes scan the group for Ryder and Luc, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I spot them standing back by the fence watching shit go down.
