SIERRA
Irace through the entrance doors and down the stairs with no clue where I am going. All I know is I need to get out of here. I can’t erase the image of Ben kissing Saskia from my brain, and the pain spearing my chest is almost unbearable. I’m thirteen years old again, hiding in the shadows, watching my older sister kiss the guy I’m in love with, and my heart is aching for him, screaming at him to notice me, yet he still doesn’t see me.
Ben is stomping all over my heart except this time it’s worse because he is purposely choosing her over me.
I shouldn’t care.
He’s a monster, and I know I can do better. I’ve seen what he is capable of, and I should want nothing to do with him.
But I can’t lie to myself anymore.
I’m still in love with him.
I think I probably always have been, and I’m slowly accepting that loving a man like Ben means loving all parts of him.
I’m no better than I was as a kid. I’m still pining after a guy who will never be mine. The difference is, I’m a grown-up now. I’m a mother. I know better than to waste my time loving someone who will never love me back.
Sobs wrack my chest as my feet hit the sidewalk, and I dash along the side of the imperial gray stone building, my dress floating around me as I run with no direction. Piercing pain pokes holes in my chest as tears roll down my face, and I can hardly breathe over the intense internal agony ripping me apart on the inside.
It hurts. God, it hurts. So fucking badly.
“Sierra!” Ben shouts after me, his deep voice piercing the air.
I don’t stop, running aimlessly, needing to get away from him. I don’t want him to see me like this. He can’t see how pitiful and stupidly naïve I am, so I push my legs faster, fleeing from him. But my voluminous dress restricts my movements, and he has longer legs, so it doesn’t take him long to catch me.
“Sierra. Stop.” He takes my arm, forcing me back against the wall. I hang my head, unable to look at him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing running outside by yourself? Has nothing I’ve said these past few months registered with you?” I can tell he’s working hard not to shout at me. “It’s not safe, Sierra. Especially tonight.”
I ignore him, looking at my feet, wishing I could click my fingers and magic myself back home. I want nothing more than to be curling in a ball under my comforter in bed, crying until I expunge my anguish.
I hate the power Ben has over me.
I hate I’m the one granting him that power.
I hate that I love him even more.
“Look at me,” he commands, but I ignore him, clamping my lips shut to keep my pain trapped inside.
“Firefly, please.” His voice is softer, his tone concerned, and it takes me back in time.
* * *
I’m trying not to cry, but the deep gash in my shin burns like I shoved my leg into a furnace instead of falling out of the tree, ripping the skin on a branch on the way down. I’m limping around the kitchen, leaving a trail of blood on Mom’s pristine white tiled floor as I search for the first aid kit. I know she keeps one in here, but I can’t find it.
“If it isn’t my favorite girl,” a deep voice says, startling me, and I jump, a shrill squeak fleeing my mouth before I can stop it. Bracing my hands on the kitchen counter, I silently pray that Ben turns around. I don’t want him to see me crying like a sissy. He’ll never see me as a woman if I keep giving him reminders I’m a kid.
“What happened?” he asks, concern underscoring his tone. “Why are you bleeding?”
“It’s nothing,” I lie, quickly swiping my tears away. “You should go back to Saskia. She’s probably looking for you.”
I feel him step up behind me, heat rolling off his body in waves. Butterflies run amok in my stomach, and my limbs tremble, like they always do in his presence. “Firefly. Look at me.”
“I’m okay, Ben.”
“I’d like to see that for myself.” He squeezes my shoulder, very lightly, and it’s brief, but it’s everything.
“Please, Firefly. Turn around and let me see.”
* * *
