My lips twitch as I lean back against the wall. “Yes, Sierra. That’s a very naughty word.”
She purses her lips as I smile. Giving my son my undivided attention, I add, “I think Mommy owes the naughty jar a dollar.”
Rowan’s brow furrows. “We don’t have a naughty jar.” Then his brow smooths out, and his eyes light up. “But we have a naughty step.” Planting his hands on his hips, in a virtual mirror image of his mom a few minutes ago, he waggles his finger at Sierra. “You need a time-out, Mommy.”
“Mommies don’t get time-outs,” Sierra says. “But nice try, Firecracker.”
I press my mouth to her ear, speaking before engaging my brain. “I could put you over my lap and paddle your ass. I think that would be an appropriate punishment.”
Two rose-colored dots bloom on her cheeks, only adding to her beauty. “You are incorrigible.”
“And you’re beautiful when you’re embarrassed and when you’re mad.”
“Ben.” Rowan tugs on the leg of my jeans. “Do you wanna see my garden now? I have bugs, and we have a vegetable garden and a fish pond!”
His eager tone does funny things to my insides, and I kneel so I’m at his level. “I really want to see that, but first I have something for you.”
His trusting blue eyes light up. “What is it?”
I ruffle his hair, and emotion swells in my chest to the point of pain. “Wait here and I’ll be right back.”
Leo comes outside with me. “It wasn’t intentional,” he says, as we walk to the Merc. “Sierra got emotional when she saw you with Rowan, and Alessandro was only trying to comfort her.”
“But?” I ask, hearing one, as I pop the trunk and remove the larger of the two boxes.
“They’re the same age. She’s beautiful. He lives like a monk. Now you’ve thrust them together, and they’ll be spending a ton of time with each other.” He shrugs.
“She is going to be my wife,” I hiss, shoving the smaller box at his chest. “And if he can’t keep his dick in his pants, I’ll chop it off and solve the problem.”
“Wow. She really has you all worked up.”
I slam the trunk down with unnecessary force, hating he’s right. I need to get a grip. I’m not acting like myself at all. “Shit.” I rub a tense spot in my chest.
“If it helps, she appears to be struggling in the same way, and she seems somewhat remorseful.”
I lean back against the car for a minute, not wanting to take too long when I know Rowan is waiting. “Being back in Chicago and being around Sierra again has brought a lot of memories and emotions to the surface. I’ve spent so long not thinking about my past, trying to forget about Vegas, and focusing on building the business and taking care of my father that I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle the onslaught of things I’m feeling.”
The first few years in New York I battled to hold on to the man I was until I realized I had to let him go or I wouldn’t survive the cutthroat reality of my new world. Now, I’m wondering if I subconsciously maintained some of my previous persona, because it feels like I’m straddling a line between the man I was and the man I am now, and I have no clue which side I’ll land on. It feels like I’m losing myself again, and that can’t happen. There is too much resting on me, and I need to regain my control.
“It’s okay to feel, Ben. You can feel and still be in control,” Leo says, proving he knows me so well.
“Not in our line of work.” I push off the car and walk toward the door. “I can’t let my guard down. Not even for a woman I know I could love and a little boy I already do.”
* * *
Rowan loves his telescope and the new insect tank I bought him. We spend an hour in the garden before Sierra cooks an early dinner, and then I have to leave for my flight. Rowan hugs me when we are saying goodbye, bending another few bars of the steel cage surrounding my heart. Leaving was more difficult than I imagined, but I’m grateful I have the work week ahead of me. I plan to use the time to deal with everything that has happened and to get my errant emotions in check.
It’s after nine when I arrive at my penthouse apartment in Manhattan with Ciro, my new bodyguard, in tow. He retreats to the apartment below, leaving Leo and me alone in my home office. “Do you think your little chat with Alessandro will work?” he asks as I pour a bourbon for me and a scotch for him.
“Alessandro is a good soldier with a promising future. He won’t fuck it up.”
“Maybe you should send Ciro to Chicago instead?” Leo suggests, swirling the amber-colored liquid in his glass before he takes a sip.
I stand facing the floor-to-ceiling windows, admiring the view of Central Park in the near distance. “Alessandro is the best. I want the best men watching my future wife and my son.”
“When are you planning on breaking the news to Sierra?”
I turn around and take my seat behind the desk. “I’ll let things settle for a few weeks before I broach the subject.” Sierra has agreed I can visit with Rowan one day over the weekend. I plan to fly in and out on the same day because I’m too busy to leave New York for successive full weekends.
