“I know you could have, and you think I didn’t want to ask you for help? I did, but then I’d have to admit everything, and I just couldn’t do it.” I glance at Mom and Dad. “They threatened to kill my family if I said anything, and I was terrified they would kill you or my brothers.”
“Oh, honey.” Mom’s fingers twitch, and I know she’s longing to touch me, hold me, but I can’t say what I need to say with her clinging to me. Dad tightens his arm around her shoulder, comforting her with his touch. “We had the resources to ensure they never got anywhere near us, and we would’ve gone after them with the full extent of the law.”
“Would you? You were all so fucked up back then. So involved in other drama. There wasn’t time for me.” Not to mention I didn’t want cops and lawyers knowing about it. And I knew if I reported it, it would make the news.How the fuck could I have faced the kids in school if that got out?
“Honey, that’s just not true,” Mom says. “If you had only told us.”
Is she not fucking listening?I grip the edge of my chair, digging my nails into the wood. “Mom, I wasfifteen, and I was terrified they were going to come after me and my family! I knew they were in some gang because they were wearing identical leather cuts. And I was so ashamed.”
I gulp over the golf-ball-sized lump in my throat. “I felt so stupid, so weak that I had let them do that to me. I tried to fight them off, but I was drunk.” A bitter laugh escapes my lips. “It was the very first night I drank alcohol. I was staying over at Vincent Channing’s house that night, and I told you his parents were there, but they were in The Hamptons for the weekend. A few of us went into Boston using fake IDs, and we got smashed. I got separated from the guys when we left to go to a club, and I wandered into the wrong part of town. The Vipers saw me, recognized who I was, and decided they were going to teach the ‘rich prick’ a lesson.”
Kyler stares at me, his face twisted in pain. He understands some of what I’m feeling. “I was in so much pain. Physical and emotional. After a few weeks passed and they hadn’t come for me, my fear gave way to rage, and I needed to lash out. That’s when I started partying and drinking and doing drugs. I was having flashbacks and nightmares, and I just wanted it to stop. Getting high and drunk cured that issue. And I fucked around a lot because I needed to prove I was a man. To know I was into women and that they hadn’t ruined sex for me.” I glance at Keats, and we stare at one another. “I needed to prove I wasn’t gay,” I add. “They messed me up in the head. I’m not proud to admit it, but they created a hatred within me for gay men.”
“It’s okay,” Keats says. “It’s understandable.”
“No, it fucking isn’t! It’s just something else those sick fucks did to me. Something else they took from me.” I owe my brother an apology. He’s the only one in this room I plan on apologizing to, but I want to do it in private. “I need to speak to you alone when we’re done here.”
Keats nods. “I’d like that.”
“Why didn’t you say anything when I fessed up about what happened to me?” Kyler asks.
I exhale heavily. “That fucked me up, Ky. Knowing you had been through something like that and even you hadn’t noticed anything wrong with me. I’m sorry for what you went through, but I was so fucking pissed after you came clean because everyone rallied around you and it was all poor Kyler, and once again, I was relegated to the sidelines. No one noticed I was sinking to the bottom of the pool.”
“We’re not mind readers, Kent,” Kaden says, speaking for the first time. His tone is softer than the hardened voice he usually uses with me, but it still irritates the fuck out of me.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Doesn’t matter if you were though, Kade, right? You’d still hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Kent. I’ve misunderstood you, and I am really fucking sorry about that.”
I scoff. “Whatever.”
“I am truly sorry, Kent. I’m ashamed to admit I’d written you off as an attention-seeking troublemaker. Even when Eva was telling me you were hiding deep-seated pain, I refused to believe it.” He hangs his head. “I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you. I’m your older brother, and I should have protected you instead of pushing you away and ignoring what was right in front of my eyes.”
“You didn’t try to find me,” I croak, my anger giving way to hurt. “The others were there with Presley the night The Vipers tried to murder me. But you were absent. You didn’t care whether I lived or died.”
“That’s not true.” He shakes his head, swiping at tears. “Of course, I don’t want you to die!”
“So why the fuck weren’t you there?” I shout.
“Because I thought it was another attention-seeking move on your part and I believed we should try a tough love approach this time, but I was wrong!” He stands, pacing the room. “I was fucking wrong, okay, and I have to live with the fact I turned my back on you that night.”
He breaks down, and I haven’t seen my brother like this since the night he found out James wasn’t his bio dad. “You could have died, and I wasn’t there. I let you down, again, and I can never forgive myself for the way I’ve treated you.” Tears stream down his face, and I’m struggling to breathe over the strangled ball of emotion clogging my throat. “I am so fucking sorry, Kent. More than I can express.”
I can see he’s genuine, but he doesn’t understand he has damaged our relationship in a way we might never recover from. I don’t know if I can ever trust Kade. Maybe with time, but I just don’t know. I shrug, averting my eyes.
“If I could go back and rewrite history, I would do everything different,” Mom says, and I lift my chin up.
“But you can’t,” I say through gritted teeth because it’s not helpful.
“No, we can’t, but we’re here now, and we want to help,” she says.
“What can we do, son?” Dad asks. “How can we help you now?”
I force myself to calm down, and it’s a little easier because some of the tightness in my chest has lifted. “I need you to wipe the slate clean. To let me start over. To not hold my mistakes against me because I’m sick of everyone in this family judging me.”
They all nod, and air whooshes out of my mouth in grateful relief. “And I need you to be patient with me,” I add. “Because I’ve got a lot of shit still to process, and I’ve gone cold turkey, and I’ve most likely lost the only woman I have ever loved. I’m not going to be easy to live with, but I need you to understand.” I cast my gaze around the room. “It’s not me being an asshole; it’s me trying to pick up the pieces of my life and glue them back together.”
“We can do that,” Dad says, and everyone else nods again, murmuring their agreement.
