“It’d be worse if you went the opposite way,” he says. “If you used sex to try to fix the broken parts. You haven’t done that, because you’ve got more respect for yourself and my brother.”
I peer deep into his eyes, and I see so many hidden depths. Kent is nothing like I expected. I don’t know if he’s different with me because he thinks I’m that fragile or if he’s showing me a part of himself he normally keeps locked up.
“I wish it was about respect,” I say after a few beats of silence. “But it’s more to do with fear and guilt.”
We stare at one another again.
“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?” he says, winking as he pushes off the counter, breaking whatever moment we were having.
“Yes,” I whisper in agreement, long after he’s exited the kitchen.
* * *
“Areyou sure you don’t want to postpone it?” Keanu asks again as we pull up outside the FBI offices in Chelsea.
“I’d rather get it over and done with.”
“Baby.” He takes my hand, rubbing soothing circles on my palm with his thumb. “We’ve had a rough night and a rough morning. We can push this out if you need more time.”
“It won’t make a bit of difference, K. I’ll still be on edge tomorrow or next week or whenever I decided to do this. This isn’t going to be pleasant or easy for either of us.”
Pressure settles on my chest, pushing and pushing, until it feels like I can’t breathe. I inhale deeply, drawing long breaths in and out, until the edgy feeling subsides. Keanu has already removed the lavender oil from his pocket, rubbing a couple drops on my wrist.
On instinct, I lean over and peck his lips. “You look after me so well.”
“I love you, and I want to take care of you,” he quietly admits. Worrying his lower lip between his teeth, he looks like he’s contemplating something. “Forever, Sel. I want to take care of you forever. You get that, right?”
“Even if I—”
He places his fingers to my lips, shoving the words back inside. “Don’t say it. We are going to have it all, Sel. I trust in us. Inyou. And maybe this hypnosis therapy will work.”
I’d conducted some research on hypnotherapy before my Wednesday session with Denise, so I was somewhat informed. Denise explained hypnosis can help with unlocking traumatic memories and it might even enable me to process and heal in a quicker time frame, but it’s not without risk, and it comes with no guarantees.
She has recommended EMDR therapy, which is a form of therapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress emanating from traumatic life experiences.She told me although it’s widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal, this form of therapy has proven that the mind can heal from psychological trauma in the same way the body recovers from physical trauma.It’s all centered around changing the neural pathways in the brain. She reminded me she had brought it up in the past, but I’d always dismissed it.
I don’t remember that.
But I’m willing to give it a try now.
It might help uncover memories that will aid the FBI investigation. And it might give me some semblance of closure. Some peace of mind.
Denise said she had a patient who was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and the therapy made a vast difference in her healing. She recovered her memories and processed them, and it made a huge difference in her life. She couldn’t go into details, for obvious reasons, but hearing that helped me make the decision to pursue it.
Denise knows a specialist who practices EMDR therapy, and she’s arranging an initial consultation for me.
It’s good to feel like I’m doing something. Because I need something to move forward.
I can’t forget Clive Lawrence is in this city, not a million miles away from me, and he could discover me at any moment.
Although my bodyguards go everywhere with me and they drive me to and from school, yoga, and the grocery store, I’m still on edge. Still constantly looking over my shoulder. And I’m never going to move forward until I’ve dealt with him and other aspects of my past.
Which is why I need to do this today.
Keanu’s troubled eyes meets mine as he waves his hand in front of my face. I zoned out, and now,he’spanicking. “Sel?”
“I’m okay.” I rub my thumb along his inviting lower lip. “I want them to catch that bastard so I stop worrying about him coming for me.” Thankfully, Keven’s boss agreed to investigate, and that’s why we’re here. I open the car door, glancing over my shoulder at my boyfriend. “C’mon. Let’s do this.”
* * *
