I stare at him again, watching his chest rising and falling, as he sleeps. I want to grab hold of him and keep him close. To lose myself in him. To experience what those women experienced. To show him I’m better than all of them. That I can pleasure him far better than they can. That I know everything there is to know about how to turn a man on because I was trained from age ten to please men.
And I need that affirmation to know I’m good enough for him.
My inner voice whispers my mind is warped for thinking these things, but I banish that voice, shutting off logic and acting on instinct.
Because I’m afraid now. Afraid I’m never going to be good enough for him. I know the kinds of needs men have. I stupidly thought it didn’t matter when I was with him before because he was a virgin and he didn’t know any better.
But he does now.
And I need to show him I can fulfilallhis needs. That I’m the perfect girlfriend. That I’m not broken and vulnerable. That I’m strong and sexy and willing.
Before I overthink it, I slide down the bed, carefully pulling Keanu’s pajama pants down, freeing his penis. All week, we’ve made out like demons, and he’s gone down on me a couple other times, but he hasn’t let me touch him.
That stops now.
His erection juts out proudly, and I lower my head, curling my lips around the tip and licking his slit. I take him deeper into my mouth as he stirs, hollowing my cheeks to take all of him into my mouth, feeling him hit the back of my throat as I suck his hard length in and out of my mouth.
He groans, and his hips thrust forward as he slowly starts fucking my mouth. I reach my hand under him, playing with his balls, and his entire body stills. His hips stop bucking, and I glance up at him, panic welling in my chest at the look of abject horror on his face. I loosen my grip on his erection the same time he pulls back with so much force and urgency he falls out of the bed.
My heart is pounding, and a thin line of sweat glides down my back. I gulp over the painful lump in my throat.
“Selena,” Keanu rasps, pulling up his pants and slowly rising to his feet. He stares at me like I’ve just sprouted horns. “What…what are you doing?”
I sit up on my knees. “I want to make you come.”
His Adam’s apple jumps in his throat as he sits on the edge of the bed, turning to face me. “Why?”
“Why?” I frown, because isn’t it obvious? “Because I want to please you.”
He grimaces, and my heart lurches to my toes. “You didn’t like it? It wasn’t good?” Rejection takes a bat to my body, slamming into me and knocking all the air out of my lungs.
“Selena. No.” He reaches for my hands, but I scoot away from him on the bed, swiping at the tears leaking from my eyes.
“Baby.” He climbs over the bed, kneeling in front of me. “Don’t think that. Of course, I liked it. I woke up to the love of my life sucking me off. And it was so fucking good.”
“Why did you stop then? Why did you look at me like that?”
He brushes tears away from under my eyes. “You shocked me, baby, and it worried me.”
I blink at him, not understanding. “Why? And were you like this with the other girls you slept with?”
He grimaces again. “Selena.” He presses a lingering kiss to my forehead. “Firstly, you’re the only woman I’ve ever slept in a bed beside. And, secondly, I’m not opposed to being woken up with your mouth on me, provided it’s for the right reasons.”
“I wanted to make you come. Isn’t that the right reason?”
“C’mere, baby.” He opens his arms and pats his lap. I crawl onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my head on his shoulder. “I need to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it honestly.”
“Okay.”
“Did you blowing me have anything to do with last night and what we discussed. Yes or no?”
I pause for a few beats. “Yes.”
He tilts my face until we’re eye to eye. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going through that beautiful head of yours.”
I lift my head up fully, shifting on his lap so my legs are stretched out to the side. His penis is hard underneath me, reminding me of my epic fail. “I’m jealous of those girls,” I admit after an eternity of silence when I’ve been battling with my response. But I won’t keep secrets from him. I won’t hide the truth. Even if I’m scared to admit my thoughts. “Because they’ve experienced parts of you I haven’t.”
“And what else?” he coaxes, threading his fingers in my hair.
