“I hid behind you, Keanu,” I softly say. “You sheltered me. You were my protector. Always jumping into battle for me. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything without you, and I realized that I couldn’t move forward if I didn’t learn to do things for myself.”
“I would have given you all the space you needed,” he says.
“I know you would have, because you are selfless and you always did everything on my terms. But that was a problem too.”
His brows knit together, and I don’t blame him for being confused.
“Relationships are partnerships,” I say. “And it doesn’t work if one person istakingall the time and the other never gets anything in return.” And, by default, that reality always made me feel weak, which fueled more guilt and self-loathing.
He opens his mouth to protest again, but I silence him by placing a finger to his lips. “I know you want to respond to this, but, please, let me tell you my side first.”
I’m afraid I’ll lose my nerve if I don’t just get this out.
He nods, always so agreeable. Always trying to make things better for me. I don’t know how I got so lucky to find such an amazing guy, and this time, I’m determined to hold on to him.
“That’s how I felt. Like I leaned on you to do everything for me and that you gave of yourself when I gave you nothing back. And I love you so much I wanted more for you. I want to be your equal in every respect.” I take his hands in mine, steeling myself for this next revelation. “You were saving your virginity for me, and I wasn’t worthy, because I didn’t know if I could ever be intimate with you. I didn’t want to take that from you. You deserve a normal life. To go on dates without worrying about crowds or the possibility your girlfriend might have a meltdown in public. To have a normal sex life and not be afraid to touch your girlfriend for fear it might trigger something in her.”
“What you and I shared was our normal, and I was more than satisfied with that,” he says.
“But for how long, Keanu? How long would that have been enough? How long before the sexual frustration got to you and things became complicated?” I hold up my hand. “Those questions aren’t meant to be answered. Maybe, I was wrong. Maybe, it wouldn’t have come to that, but there was only one thing worse than imagining my life without you in it, and that was the possibility that my illness would tarnish the good years, mess up all the good memories I had of us together.”
I chew on the corner of my mouth. “But that was only one part of it. The other was my need to move forward. To get a handle on my issues and start dealing with them.” I slap a hand over my heart. “I knew I couldn’t do that if I was your girlfriend. I knew I would continue to lean on you instead of pushing through my fears, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and I knew if I was to be truly worthy of you that I needed to make a clean break. To set you free. And I hoped that by the time I was the woman I knew I could be, that it wouldn’t be too late. That I would still own your heart in the way you have always owned mine.”
“It still belongs to you, Sel. No one else has ever owned a piece of my heart,” he confirms, moving closer to me.
“As mine still belongs to you.”
His eyes penetrate mine, and that intense connection between us simmers and pulses.
“It took months before I plucked up the courage to end things,” I continue. “I wanted to be completely truthful, but I knew if I told you these things that you’d never let me go. That you’d convince me we could do it together, so I lied. I told you I wasn’t into it anymore, and all the time, my heart was ripping to shreds in my chest.” I clasp his face in my palms. “It killed me pushing you away. I had a physical pain because it hurt so much. For the first couple of months, I picked up the phone to call you at least once a day. I regretted it as much as I knew it was the right thing to do. I was terrified I’d lost you forever, andI missed you.”
My voice breaks, and tears spill down my cheeks. “God, I missed you so much. It was like I was missing a limb. Like half my soul had disappeared. I didn’t feel whole. I felt empty. And in those early months, my anxiety increased and I suffered more panic attacks, but gradually, it started to fade. I worked out a program with Denise, and she gave me little tasks. Things I had to do that would force me to engage with the outside world. Say hello to my neighbor instead of ignoring his greeting like I usually did. Go shopping on my own for an hour. Visit a museum or a café alone.”
I rub circles on the back of his hand with my thumb. “It terrified me. I had the worst anxiety before I’d do each little task, but I did it, and I felt such a huge sense of achievement with each accomplishment. Denise insisted I reward myself for each milestone, so I give myself little treats. And we dug a new flowerbed in her garden, and for every task I achieved, I planted a new flower.” I smile proudly. “It’s almost overgrown now.”
Emotion swims in his eyes, and he holds my hands tighter.
“I built up to bigger things over the time we were apart, and now, I can go for a swim or attend a yoga class by myself. I travel to and from school by myself. I attend classes and go to the library. I still struggle to make friends. Engaging in small talk with strangers is hell, but I met Kelly, and we became instant best friends. We do lunch and go to the movies and go shopping. I’ve been to nightclubs and bars. Still not my favorite thing to do, but it doesn’t send me into a tailspin anymore. I do location shoots. I go to New York for shoots with Miranda. Mom usually comes with me, because I’m still not brave enough to travel there by myself, but it’s one of my next goals.”
“I’m so proud of you, Sel,” he says, “and I have noticed the changes. I love seeing you more confident in yourself. More independent.”
“Thank you. I’m proud of me too, but there is still more to do. I realize it’ll most likely always be something I have to deal with. That the fear and guilt will always linger. That I’ll have good days and bad days. But I’m confident I can handle it now in a way I couldn’t when we were dating. I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet instead of letting you fight all my battles. Does that make sense?”
“It does, but at the time, I was blindsided and heartbroken. I just focused on us. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.” His eyes scream an apology as he admits this next truth. “That I wasn’t attractive enough in your eyes. I convinced myself that if I was hot enough you wouldn’t have been able to resist me.”
I hate that I caused him to have so much self-doubt. “Trust me, if you were any hotter, I’d spontaneously combust whenever I’m near you. You’re so gorgeous, Keanu, andI want you, never doubt that. You are perfect, inside and out. Every single part of who you are is attractive to me. Sometimes, the sensations were so intense they frightened me to pieces. I didn’t know how to process those feelings. My sexuality was,is, all tangled up. I’m trying to separate it now. To understand that what happened to me is completely different from sharing intimacy with the man I love.”
I lean in and kiss the corner of his mouth. “In case you’re still in doubt, that man is you.”
“I believe you, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”
“I didn’t want you to see it. I wanted you to believe the lie because I wasn’t strong enough if you tried to fight for me. I’m not proud of myself, and I hate that I hurt you, but we needed that time apart, Keanu. And not just for me. We both needed to grow and learn to live in a world without one another.”
He reels me into his lap. “Please tell me we’re done learning life lessons.” He nips gently at my earlobe.
“I will never be done learning,” I say, fighting a bout of delicious shivers. “But I’m done living in a world without you.”
With my heart pumping wildly, I turn around and straddle him, placing my arms around his neck. “It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay away from you,” I admit. “But I wasn’t quite ready to come back to you. I was getting there, but events overtook me.”
