I miss him so much.
All the time.
It’s like a lingering sickness in my tissues. One that sometimes recedes a little, but it never fades. It’s always there, simmering under the surface. Ready to derail me at the most inopportune times.
It would be so easy to pick up the phone and call him. To beg his forgiveness. Which I know he would readily grant me. Because Keanu is the most selfless, forgiving, caring, loving person I have ever known. I could live for infinity and never be worthy of him. Which makes what I had to do all the more heinous.
Tears prick my eyes, but I force them aside. I can’t think about K. I can’t keep doing it to myself. I need to have the strength of my convictions and stay the course.
I clutch the strap of my backpack more firmly, stifling an exasperated sigh.
I know Jessica is aware of my situation, and I’ve always felt like she has my back. But lately, not so much. I understand it’s frustrating for her. I’m in high demand, in part because I turn down more work than I accept, and I know she believes I’m not fulfilling my true potential. That she’s not reaping the right kind of rewards representing me.
But she’s lucky I’m able to model at all.
Especially now I no longer have Keanu’s protective force at my side.
And she has no idea how hard the last couple years have been for me since I lied to the love of my life and broke things off between us. How challenging it’s been trying to take back control of my life. If she did, she wouldn’t harass me like she’s been doing.
“Will you need to travel to New York much?” Kelly asks, yanking me back into the present.
I shake my head. “Every couple of months or when there’s a new catalogue to shoot.”
“Are you worried about bumping into him?” she inquires, her warm brown eyes locking on my face.
I gulp. “Yes, but I can’t avoid Keanu forever.” Not when we work in the same industry and share the same modeling agency.
Kelly is well aware of my history with Keanu Kennedy. For years, he was the only male model I worked with, and gossip was rife over the status of our relationship. But we never confirmed or denied anything.
Kelly was the only one who recognized me that first day at college last year, but she didn’t treat me any differently, and I found myself liking her instantaneously.
Which is most uncharacteristic.
I don’t have any other friends besides Kelly and her boyfriend, Todd, because I still have major trust issues and most people who try to befriend me have ended up wanting something from me.
Plus, I want to keep my past in the past.
The last thing I need is anyone in the industry finding out and it blowing up.
I’m not working hard to heal myself—formeand so I can be a woman worthy of a man like Keanu—to let it all come tumbling down around me.
So, I’m massively guarded over who I let into my life. And who I trust with the truth.
I only told Kelly about what happened to me over the summer, and I was a basket case for the best part of a week before I plucked up the courage to tell her. But it was one of the tasks my therapist, Denise, had set for me and an important milestone in my recovery.
I felt relieved after I told her. Lighter somehow. And it feels good to have a close friend I trust who knows what happened when I was a kid and who knows my full history with Keanu.
“No, you can’t,” she agrees, bobbing her head. “It’s a miracle you two have managed to avoid each other for two years.”
It’s not quite two years since we broke up but close enough. “That’s only because those in the know have helped that happen.”
Jessica knows not to arrange any meetings at the agency if Keanu is scheduled to be there, and she does the same with bookings. Frankie, Keanu’s agent, understands the score too, and he works with Jessica to ensure there are no accidental run-ins. I hate that I had to cut him from my life so completely, but this wouldn’t have worked otherwise.
Now, I’m at a stage where I need to face up to it. Face him. I only hope I’m strong enough to handle it. To not cave and tell him the truth of why I ended things. Because he wouldn’t accept it for one second and there’d be nothing I could do to stop him this time.
And that can’t happen. Not yet.
No matter how badly my heart wants it.
