“Are they?”
“I’m selfish,” I say after a few beats of silence. “And weak, because I ran straight to him without conscious thought.”
“Do you think our subconscious knows our needs and desires better than our conscious mind?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I was on autopilot when I landed on his doorstep. I’m not sure I’d have made that decision if I hadn’t been in the midst of a panic attack.”
“And do you regret it?”
I shake my head. “No, even though it’s going against everything I wanted to achieve when I broke things off with him. Even if it confirms I’m weak.”
“Is it weakness or is it strength?”
We’ve debated this at length. “I honestly can’t tell anymore.”
“It isnotweak to seek out support when we need it,” she says, folding her hands in her lap. “It isnotweak to lean on our loved ones when we need propping up.” Her features soften as she leans forward. “Knowing when to rely on others is a strength, not a weakness.”
“I relied on him too much before.”
She nods. “And do you think this is the same? Areyouthe same?”
I contemplate her words for a few minutes, trying to organize my thoughts. “No. With him, I feel stronger, braver, more empowered, but I’m afraid of slipping into old patterns. It would be so easy because he’s like a comfort blanket, and I know he wants to wrap me in his warmth and protect me from the cold. But I can’t let him become my crutch again.” I softly bite down on my lower lip. “I want things to be different this time.”
“In what way?”
“I want it to be a partnership. I want to take care of him the same way he takes care of me. I want to show him I’m no longer that frightened girl who hid behind him, but I’m afraid I’m not fully ready. That I’m not strong enough to be who I want to be.”
“For Keanu or for you?” she asks, glancing at the clock on the wall.
“For me,” I say without hesitation, because that has always been the crux of the decision. “But also for him.”
“It’s one step at a time, Selena. And you have robust coping strategies. Look how well you are able to sit here today and discuss how your past threatens to impact your present and how self-assured you are when you discuss what you want and need from your relationship with Keanu.” She beams at me. “You have come a long way, Selena, and you achieved it through tackling things one at a time. Don’t overburden yourself. Don’t put too many expectations on your relationship. Talk to Keanu. Let him know how you are feeling. Let him be a part of the decision-making process. And let him help you.” She kneels in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “Your reunion may not have happened on your schedule, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t exactly where you should be with the person you should be right now.”
“I know,” I whisper, squeezing her hands. “I feel it in every part of me.”
“It is not weakness to lean on loved ones in times of need. To let them support and protect us. You need him now, and you need your mom now. They love you and want to help you. Accept their help and their love and you will find the strength to handle what comes next.”
“Thank you, Denise.”
She stands. “I am here for you too. We still have our regular Wednesday appointment, but if you need to meet before then we can schedule another session. And I am always at the end of the phone. Call me anytime.”
I rise. “Thank you. I will.”
“You are going to be okay, Selena. And between all of us, we will ensure you get justice.” She opens her arms, and I walk into her embrace. “Be careful and stay safe.”
10
Keanu
“You okay?” I ask when we are back in the car, buckled in our seats.
“I am. Denise helped me process some things.”
I’m so glad Sel has Denise in her life. Honestly, it’s more than a patient-therapist relationship at this point. Denise has done so much to help her. “That’s good.” I smile over at her. “I know you’re studying psychology,” I add, because I might have checked up on her one or a hundred times during the period we were apart. “So, you’re still planning on opening a sanctuary to help others?” Besides modeling, Selena’s other goal is to open a haven where other victims of abuse can seek shelter and support.
“I am.” Her voice resonates with determination. “Although it will take a while between my studies and raising the kind of money I’d need to turn my vision into reality.”
“You know I’ll help.”
