“Yes, but only because I’ve been making more of an effort with my recovery and stretching myself out of my comfort zone.”
He’s deathly quiet, and I know I’ve upset him again. “Keanu.” I reach for his hand, but he slides off the stool.
“We better head out. I’m not sure what the traffic will be like.”
I slip off the stool with my heart hurting, planting a fake smile on my face as I grab my bag and follow him outside.
9
Selena
“Ioverheard you and Kent talking last night,” I say from the passenger seat of Keanu’s pristine SUV en route to my psychologist’s place. The traffic isn’t too heavy, and we are making good time. “And I’m okay if you want to tell him about me.”
His head whips around, his face showcasing his shock. “Which parts?” he asks, his eyes rotating between me and the road.
“All of it.” I pin him with earnest eyes.
His jaw slackens.
“I’m not ever going to be shouting about it from the rooftops,” I explain, “but I’ve spent too long a slave to my past. I want to lead a normal life. To let my loved ones in, and that won’t work if I keep what happened to me a secret. So, I’m learning to open up about it.”
But it takes enormous courage to go there, and I don’t know Kent well enough to feel comfortable telling him directly myself. I worry my lip between my mouth as I phrase my words carefully. “It wasn’t right of me to ask you to keep my secret. You basically lied to your family for me, and I shouldn’t have asked that of you.”
I glance out the window, the weight of all my past mistakes adding to my overall despondent mood since we left the condo.
“I never felt like that, and you shouldn’t either,” he says, his husky voice reclaiming my attention, reeling me in from the dark ledge I’m tethering to. “I was keeping your confidence, not lying. And no one would blame you for not wanting to discuss it or have others know. You were only a kid, Selena. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“That’s what Denise says.” I turn to face him.
“I knew I liked her for a reason.” He flashes me a panty-melting smile and I almost turn into a puddle of goo.
I quickly divert my gaze to the window again before I’m caught drooling, pulling my knees up to my chest, smiling at the woman with the small boy on the sidewalk as we pass by. The kid is holding a giant stuffed panda bear to his chest, and it’s so large he’s almost toppling over. I watch as his mother scoops him and the stuffed animal into her arms, holding him protectively and possessively, while rubbing his nose and making him laugh. The innocence and purity of the moment shine a light on the dark cloud growing inside me.
I need to know there is still innocence and goodness in this world. To know kids grow up the way they should: in a nurturing environment being bathed in love. Feeling secure and safe, learning and developing with the confidence and happiness that comes from a childhood filled with wonder and awe, not darkness and despair.
I have so few memories of the time before, because it’s easy to let the darkness outshine the light. But I’m trying to reclaim those happy moments before my childhood turned into a horror story. To hold tight to the memories of my mom, dad, and little sister Carly. To remember the girl I was before I was forced to become someone else.
“Hey. Where’d you go?” Keanu asks, gently touching my knee, concern vibrating from him.
“I was just looking at that mom with her son back there, and my mind wandered.”
He squeezes my knee, offering silent support, but no more words are spoken, because Keanu reads me perfectly and he understands I don’t want to go there.
When we pull up at the curb outside Denise’s house, he kills the engine and extracts the key. “Would it be okay if I waited inside?” His eyes drift sideways, and I watch as the car with my two new bodyguards glides into a space across the road.
“Of course. I’m sure Denise would like to say hello.” Denise was always a big fan of my boyfriend.
Keanu gets out of the car first, running to my side and opening the passenger door. He takes my hand, helping me down, and he doesn’t let go.
We walk up Denise’s short driveway holding hands, and it’s incredible how naturally we have slotted back into a pattern.
I guess it’s like that when the other person is the other half of your body, heart, mind, and soul.
Keanu and I never needed labels because calling him my best friend or my boyfriend was never enough. It never conveyed everything he meant to me because he was always so much more.
Which is why it killed me to wrench myself away from him.
But my progress the last couple years is testament to the fact I made the right decision. Even if it hurt both of us, and though it might not seem like it now—in the midst of this crisis—I am stronger and more independent, thanks to the time apart.
