I turn off the main bedroom light but switch on the lamps on either side of the bed. I put the TV on low, because I know Sel likes to sleep with it on.
Silence and darkness are triggers, and dimmed lighting and background noise helps ease her anxiety. I’m not sure if she still has recurring nightmares, but I’m assuming she does. I don’t want her waking up in unfamiliar surroundings in the dark for fear of where it might send her. I crawl under the covers and scoot over to her side, gently curling my body around hers. Her body softens against mine, and a little contented murmur escapes her plump lips, and I relax, confident she’s okay with this.
I watch her again, because, you know, I’ve got this creeper act down to a fine art form, and I can’t contain the smile that breaks out on my face. I hate the circumstances that drove her to seek me out, but I can’t deny how fucking ecstatic I am to have her here.
8
Selena
Ibolt upright in the bed, my sleep tank stuck to my back, with high-pitched screams ringing in my ears. My heart is going one hundred miles an hour, and adrenaline courses through my body, making me feel antsy and on edge.
Movement beside me elevates my blood pressure to coronary-inducing levels, and the screams get louder, confirming they are emanating from me.
“Selena. It’s Keanu. You’re at my place. You are safe.” His voice is calm and soothing, his reassurances determined and familiar. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
My eyes drink in the strange room, and I jerk around, my shoulders slumping in relief at the tousled-haired form before me. “K.” I fall into him, my hands fisting his shirt as I cling to him, sobbing.
Tentatively, his arms go around me, and he runs a light hand up and down my back. It helps calm me down, and gradually, my tears die out. “Sorry,” I whisper, still clinging to him like he’ll disappear if I let go. I hate feeling needy. Hate how it feels like it’s undermining my hard-won independence, but I’m drowning, and he’s the only one who can keep me afloat.
You’re not weak. You’re not regressing. There is a difference between feeling needy and needing assistance. You are seeking support in the right way.
The words reverberate around my head as if Denise was actually here speaking the words she’s so often said. I try to keep that in mind. To remember all I’ve achieved. To understand coming here is not a show of weakness but a show of strength.
“You don’t need to apologize. None of this is your fault.” His chest rises and falls under my head. “And I like looking after you. I know you don’t agree, but it’s what I was put on this Earth to do.”
“Stop being so perfect,” I mumble against his chest, a slight smile tugging up the corners of my mouth when his chest rumbles underneath me.
“I will when you do,” he teases, and I snort because we both know I’m as far from perfect as you can get. “Hey.” He kisses the top of my head, and his next few words confirm how deeply connected we are. Keanu knows what I’m thinking because he knows me so well. “Youareperfect to me, Sel. You always have been.”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes, and I look up at him through blurry, hooded eyes. “Why don’t you hate me?”
He places his forehead against mine. “I could never hate you. Never.”
I shiver, and he removes his forehead from mine, slowly winding his arm around my back. “Let’s lie back down. It’s still the middle of the night, and you need to sleep.”
I let him pull us down flat, and he tugs the comforter up over us. “You need to talk about it?” he asks, and I shake my head.
Discussing that nightmare will only induce a panic attack, and Keanu doesn’t need to hear that shit. He’s aware of my history, but I’ve never gone into graphic detail about all the things that were done to me because I don’t want him suffering nightmares, and if he knew every sordid detail, it’d definitely keep him awake at night.
I twist on my side, snuggling into him, amazed at how okay I am with this. I’ve never slept in a bed with a man before, and I wasn’t sure how I would feel. But I like this. I like how much closer I feel to Keanu. How protected I feel in his muscular arms. “K?” I snuggle closer to him.
“Yes, babe?”
I smile at his endearment. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and if it’s any consolation, I hurt myself just as much.” He doesn’t say anything for a couple minutes, but his heart is thudding like crazy under my ear.
“I don’t like hearing that, because if you were experiencing even a tenth of the pain I felt, I hate you felt that.” His lips skim the top of my head again, and I melt into the mattress, my heart brimming with emotion. A shuddering breath leaves his lips. “I want to talk about it. Why you did it, but not in the middle of the night. And not when you’ve got this other stuff to deal with.” His lips meet my hair again, and I squeeze my eyes shut, savoring the feel of him against me, comforting me, loving me.
“Okay,” I concede, “but I just need to tell you one thing.” I’m not sure where this courage is coming from, but I don’t stop to question it. Angling my head, I stare up at him, and our eyes meet. “I love you,” I whisper. “It was never about me not loving you.” My lip wobbles as I watch his eyes turn glassy. My heart is whirling like an out-of-control spinning top on a bumpy surface.
“You mean that?” he asks, his voice thick with emotion.
I hate how vulnerable he looks and how much my actions have damaged what we share and made him doubt my true feelings. It doesn’t matter that I did it in some misguided attempt to set him free, because it’s crystal clear now that didn’t happen.
“With my whole heart.”
He wraps his arms around me, hugging me closer than ever. “I love you too. So fucking much.” He eases his hold, tilting my face up with one finger. “I’m not expecting anything here, Sel. I won’t put demands on you except for one thing.” Vulnerability is etched across his handsome face. “Don’t leave me again. We don’t have to put any labels on this, but just tell me you won’t push me away. I wouldn’t survive it a second time. I need you in my life.”
Everything is jumbled in my head, and I’m not sure I’m qualified to make such heady promises, but there is no way I’m refusing him this. Not after everything he has done for me. Not after today. He would’ve been perfectly within his rights to turn me away earlier. Or to get angry at me for the unfair way I’ve treated him. But all he’s ever done is show me kindness and shower me with love. It’s not his fault that I’ve abused that kindness and that I feel so unworthy.
