Behind her, a stapler and desk phone lie on the floor. She must’ve knocked them over on purpose. Klein rushes in, her cheeks flushed and mouth tight. I stand up. “Excuse me for a moment.” The blonde’s eyes light up as my strides eat the distance between us, then her jaw drops when I go past her and stop in front of Klein. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she says. “Sorry, I couldn’t keep her—”
“It’s all right.” I pick up the stapler and the phone and place them on the desk. “Give me a moment with her.”
Klein’s eyebrows pull together. She nods, then turns her cellphone to show building security on the screen. “Just in case.”
A corner of my mouth quirks up. Despite the absurd situation it’s difficult to remain upset for long when I’m in Klein’spresence. “Good. Call them up here.” Then I turn around to face the intruder.
Before I can speak, Ted squints. “Nelly?”
“You know her?” I say, although I’d bet my left ball the blonde’s name isn’t Nelly. Other than Joey, Tedneverremembers names. The only exceptions are the seven women who bore him sons, and he named each child after the mother so he could associate the mom-and-son pairings correctly.
“Ted!” she screams, fluttering her lashes as she folds both hands over her impressive double-E chest. “You didn’t tell me you’d be here! You know I’ve been looking for you, too.”
Ted shrugs. “Why would I tell you? You aren’t that special.”
The corners of Joey’s mouth twitch, his eyes gleaming maliciously. He loves it when Ted arrogantly exerts his power. Probably it makeshimfeel special. “Should I call 911 and report her for stalking?” he asks.
“I’m not stalking him! Although I do want to talk about this new movie. I can play an excellent femme fatale. No,” she says dramatically, probably already starting to audition in the moment, “I’m here to deal withhim.” She points a long, lacquered nail in my direction, and her volume rises again. “Howcould you ignore my calls?”
“I’m sorry, who are you?” She looks vaguely familiar, but it’s probably the lip filler. So many women these days look like they stuck their mouths into a beehive.
She turns red. “Don’t be an asshole. We had the hottest connection of my life in April!”
I stare at her, studying her features more closely. Her forehead isn’t moving—Botox. Her cheeks seem overly textured and red underneath the concealer. Probably had some work done on them recently. But she doesn’t ring a bell. Not even close. Although I don’t always remember the numerous women I’ve had dinner with, I do remember those I’ve slept with. Givenher propensity to shriek, I’m pretty sure I didn’t have dinner with her, much less actual sex. My penis has standards.
I look toward Klein, who’s watching the scene with an avid, unblinking gaze.Awkward. She’s aware of my dating habits—thanks to certain persistent women who refuse to give up—but it’s one thing to know, another to witness. I want to pause the scene and explain, but that’d just be weird.
“Guess it wasn’t that hot for me.” My muttered response is still loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Really?” Ted gives the blonde a once-over. “Joey, make a note of that.”
“What? Why?” the woman says, finally realizing that getting on Ted’s radar like this might not be the best way to advance her career.
“I can’t cast a woman who leaves a dick cold and shriveled. This man is in his prime!” He gives me a meaningful look.
I rub the spot between my eyebrows. My dick doesn’t shrivel, thank you very much—except pointing that out is going to become even more awkward and might even encourage Ted.
He continues, “A true measure of a woman is her ability to make a guy get hard.”
“Exactly,” Joey adds with too much enthusiasm.
“Are you kidding? Menloveme!” Nelly—or whoever she is—gestures from her shoulders to her hips, displaying her assets. “This isn’t something you can get just anywhere.”
“I’ve seen better,” Ted says with a shrug.
The woman seethes. “This is all your fault, Josh! You heartless asshole! You stood me up and humiliated me!” She screeches a string of curses that would make a rap star blush. People around the office crane their necks to watch the drama.
Great.
She bellows a battle cry, then lunges at me, her talons extended toward my face. I step left to avoid the attack. She moves surprisingly well for a woman in heels.
Thankfully, security comes in and grabs her arms. “You crazy asshole!” she yells again. “You’re going to be sorry when I’m famous!”
Ted turns to Joey. “They didn’t sleep together. If she screamed like this in bed, he’d remember.” Then, to her: “You have a nasty voice. A doc could IV Viagra into a guy and he’d stay wilted like month-old broccoli in the back of a fridge.”
“Ted,don’t! Give me achance!” She shrieks and struggles as security drags her away. “I can make it worth your while!”
