I cross my arms. It’s still strange to hear myself on the speakers. Huxley puts a hand on my shoulder.
“Nope. I should get to live here until I find a new apartment,” Peter says.
“What?”
“Wow,” Huxley says.
“I moved out,” Peter says over the speakers.
“When? Why?”
“Last month. I thought it made sense for me to live here with you. Saves money. I sold my old couches and TV for a decent price.”
“So his dick is small, and his bank account is smaller?” Huxley says loudly.
“Just so we’re on the same Kafkaesque page… You decided to move in here without telling me because you’re too cheap to pay rent for your own apartment?” the me on screen demands.
“Not cheap. Smart.”
“Broke!” Ted says. “What kind of a cheap ass does this? Grace, my daughter, you should’ve dated better men. Like me. I would’ve never moved in with you, and I certainly never would’ve fucked a girl as ugly as that Viv Webber. At least I’dhave the decency to invite you if I was going to expand my female horizons, assuming I found a chick hot enough to be worthy of us. I would’ve never left you out, and my dick is bigger. Which is important. A dick like that?” He gestures at the screen. “You might as well be using a baby’s thumb. Am I right?”
“Absolutely, boss,” Joey says with a bright smile.
Huxley curses under his breath. I stare mutely, unable to decide if Ted is saying things to pile humiliation on to Peter or if this is just how he is.
“Thank you…?” I say finally, since he’s taken time out of his busy day to come by and help this scene go viral.
“Dad, you were doing so great until thirty seconds ago,” Huxley grinds out.
“Eh.” Ted waves his hand. “Joey, put the whole video on my accounts, whatever they are. Make sure my online acolytes know howIfeel, because that’s important.”
Did he just call his followersacolytes?
“Really, this is just sad. I thought lawyers were supposed to be more dignified. I’ve seen porn stars with more modesty.” He checks his watch. “I feel like I have to do something now.”
“You have a meeting with Ryder Reed,” Joey says, mentioning one of the hottest Hollywood stars.
Ted snaps his fingers. “Oh yeah, Ryder. Let’s go, then.” He hugs and air-kisses me again. “I’m so glad I was able to visit. You did all right there, but if you ever need tips on camera angles or lighting, you come talk to Daddy Teddy.”
“I will.”
“And you know what? I’ll get you Ryder’s autograph. Consider it an early birthday present.”
I smile, unable to bring myself to tell him my birthday was four months ago. The man is all over the place, but at least he tries. I might be setting the bar low, but after Nelson, Ted looks like the father I’ve always wanted.
He leaves, causing a flurry of activity as his bodyguards clear a path and Joey says, “Make way, make way!”
Meanwhile, the porn video loops and starts back up, just in case anybody missed the good part from before. I can’t have that.
There is the sound of rapid footsteps—and Peter is suddenly rushing toward me, his face red. There’s something that looks like white foam around his mouth. Is he frothing? The sight is both amusing and pathetic.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screams. Huxley steps forward, his palm out. Peter runs into the palm and glares at Huxley. “Who the fuck—”
“If you have something to say to my wife, say it with respect.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
Huxley cocks an eyebrow.
