Nicholas will never purposely cause me pain. I know that much. But you don’t have to mean it to wound someone. Even with the best intentions, sometimes it just happens.
Sighing, I save the work I’ve been doing and pull out my phone to take a break.Let’s see…what’s on Instagram?Lots of posts about upcoming books. Some talk about old favorites. I should do a monthly read update next week. Maybe I can make some cool visuals in Nicholas’s library. I’ve already made three posts there, but it’s just too gorgeous not to use again.
I notice a tag notification and frown.Dana?She and I have no reason to cross paths, even on Instagram. She does fitness; I do books. Our hashtags couldn’t be more different.
The post she tagged me on is a video showing Dana in Owen’s townhouse. The master bathroom is the same—except for tons of makeup strewn all over the vanity. Wait, does she havethreetubes of mascara? I squint at the screen.Oh yes she does.Why the need for three? Even if she used one per eye, she’d only need two.
She twists around, showing off a dress.
“I know I mostly talk about achieving fitness and a healthy lifestyle through better eating and physical activity. But today, I want to touch on a different benefit of the lifestyle I’m promoting.” Unlike most of her videos, this one has subtitles scrolling across the bottom of the screen as she talks. “My fiancé told me he’s never been with anybody who can satisfy him like I do. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons we hit it off so well—amazing sexual compatibility. It’s so critical to your physical and emotional wellbeing. It’s unfortunate we don’t talk about the subject as much as we should because we’re embarrassed or sex is taboo.”
Well, good for her and Owen. I guess it’s important for him to find somebody who’s content with the little pops he hands out during sex. Even if he got on his knees and begged me to take him back, I wouldn’t. Not after Nicholas and realizing how I’ve been getting cheated out ofrealorgasms, the kind that shake you up like a powerful earthquake. About all I can do when Nicholas makes me come is clutch him until the shock waves pass and I can come back down from the exhilarating height.
Dana drones on. “Over the last three weeks, I’ve started a new diet and exercise regimen, which I’ve shared with you already. And now that I’velost a few extra poundsand gained more flexibility and strength, our satisfaction in the bedroom—and the living room, and the kitchen”—she gives a saucy wink—“has increased even more. And when I saymore, I know it’s not just on my end. He says it’s so much more satisfying to make love to a strong body, one that has the stamina to go for those marathon sessions, than one a more neglected one that’scarrying some extra baggage. And as every girl knows, a satisfied man is a man who won’t stray.” She gives a little shrug.
“It’s a bit of a challenge to maintain the lifestyle I’ve committed to, but I can do it for my fiancé. He deserves the effort—and all my love. Relationships are a two-way street. You have to get off your butt and do your half before you can expect your partner tocarry the weighttoo and make the relationship better. I can’t wait to see how much our lives improve once I hit the three-month mark with my new routine.” She blows a kiss to the camera. “You gotta work for what’s important! We’re all on an individual journey of self-improvement, so that we can be loved and accepted for who we are.”
She doesn’t mention my name, but I know this post is all about me. Why else would she tag me? And those subtitles, with the italics!
Fuck her. Outrage starts to swell until my chest feels tight. She’s basically blaming me for the relationship not working out, and hinting that I’m too lazy and unmotivated to “improve” myself. The parting remark about being loved and accepted for who we are digs in like an ice pick.
There are so many comments agreeing with her. Some even say a partner who doesn’t try is a valid reason for breaking up.
Since Dana made sure to tag me, Owen and our mutual friends and acquaintances are going to know the video is about me. Actually, some of the people who follow my account are going to notice, too. Public humiliation sears my gut until I feel like curling up into a fetal position.
I reach for the home-baked cookie I brought with me and take a bite, then stop. Dana’s words about self-improvement—especially the part about losing weight—boom in my head, full of judgment. And the fact that I might be giving up on better sex.
I’m not too worried about getting better orgasms, because the sex is already fantastic.But would it make it better for Nicholas…?He seems insatiable, but it’s the beginning of the relationship. And he might get better orgasms if I did something about my body.
I touch my belly. It’s soft. Squishy. And my thighs jiggle when I poke them.
Now my dad’s voice joins Dana’s. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to have a body like Mom, but…
It’s possible I’m not doing my part. Viewed objectively, my relationship with Nicholas is pretty one-sided in my favor. He’s letting me live with him for free, and I don’t even have to do any chores or chip in with expenses. He’s much wealthier than I am, of course, but maybe I’m taking advantage without meaning to. And maybe doing what Dana said could be my way of contributing. I’d hate to give the impression that I don’t care about our relationship. I want Nicholas to know how special he is to me. I’d hate for him to think I take him for granted.
I dump the rest of the cookie in the trash can and text Georgia.
–Me: Did you see what Dana posted? She tagged me.
–Georgia: Gimme a sec.
A couple of moments later, I get another ping.
–Georgia: What a bitch! What the hell kind of passive-aggressive bullshit is that?
I smile a little at my bestie’s outrage, but it isn’t enough to silence Dana’s words echoing in my head.
–Me: But maybe she’s right about needing to self-improve.
Two beats pass.
–Georgia: Are you smoking something?
–Me: No! I’m talking about me and Nicholas.
–Georgia: Does he have trouble getting hard or maintaining an erection?
–Me: Seriously? You really want to know that about your brother?
